Relationships, contradictions and acting out

I've been dating my bf for almost a year now. At the beginning we had a rough time apparently because I was acting out and doing stupid $#%^, acting contradictingly etc. I only remember I was annoyed not being able to be myself, like someone blocked me while being still very aware of things.

Anyway, today this stuff came up and I absolutely even cannot see myself in that time, what was I like, what was I feeling or what exactly happened. And this was like 6 months ago... It makes me anxious trying to really hard build a relationship with another traumatized human being while not being able to remember -> have conversations about stuff. Learn from the past... I ###$ up at the beginning and I'm struggling to build a trust with him with these issues with myself. He even told me he's cautious since he can't know if I'll just change again randomly at some point to worse. And I srsly can't promise him I won't, even I'm trying so damn hard and want to make this work and see no reason to be like that or why I previously acted the way I did.

Thank god he understands how my mind works and I don't remember stuff, I'm mostly just worried that I'll screw everything up somehow even that is the last thing I want to or try to do. One night I tried to tell him my doubts about being multiple but my mind was fighting over it so badly it just didn't come out right, and now I don't even want to bring that up again so it doesn't seem like I'm not taking responsibility about things...

######6 hate my mind atm, that's all.

renegadex wrote:######6 hate my mind atm, that's all.

Yeah I know what you mean, you're in good company, sweetie. Hugs, if wanted.

I think when someone gets into a relationship with someone with DID there is gonna be some adjustment. They are not used to it, it's different to them. But I don't know, I think that they should understand about your issues and how you feel bad that that happened it sounds like, and that you will try not to have that happen again, but it's not something you 100% can control.
Also I relate to forgetting things, it's really a weird feeling.

We totally understand this.

We have been in a very long term relationship and discovering that "I" am "we" was a huge adjustment even with a long history. It explained a lot and the system acting up was what brought everything into focus. It basically outted us in doing so. I can't imagine going through this in a new relationship.

We wish you all the best.