Newly diagnosed, confused and seeking clarity

Hi Everyone,

A little background before I get into the nitty gritty...

I am 36, diagnosed with DID and complex ptsd. Throughout my life I'd been diagnosed with a lot of different things, but nothing really fit and I'd eventually stop going to therapy for whatever reason. I'd never heard the word dissociation until my therapist caught me dissociating in a session. A few months later there was a crisis in my life and I kind of spiraled and passively watched my world crumble around me. Long story short, I finally allowed myself to admit that I have a team of voices that I can see and 'communicate' with in my head. I have never seriously told anyone that. Ever. If my moodiness comes up, I joke about it or ignore it…

There is a part of me that won't allow me to say certain things in therapy, but if I write it down and read allowed I can force the words out. That's how I was able to admit it to my therapist and to my relief, she said she'd suspected it for a while and now we are slowly working on me becoming more comfortable with the idea.

Ok, brief origin story complete…

I am struggling with knowing they're there and connecting with them. Before consciously acknowledging them, I was in harmony. Or felt like I was. Sure, there are chunks of time missing, weird things I didn't remember doing, conversations I have no knowledge of, things misplaced with a weird inckly feeling that I know very well what happened to that dress, or I should at least.

I have had intense vivid dreams whereas before,I had trouble remembering if I dreamt at all. I have these urges to draw and when I draw, I draw their likeness. I've never drawn before, and certainly not well enough to capture likeness and perspective. I don't feel like they have names, but I can recall spans of time when different parts of me were in the front, but I feel like they are a part of me and have never questioned if that was normal or not.

I guess what I'm really stressing about is whether I should be trying to learn more about them or if should just let it be the way it is. Since I've found out I feel like I'm going crazy. Like, sometimes they're much louder than normal and sometimes they're too quiet. A part of me firmly denies this is real and makes sure I feel how crazy and irrational this all is, but then another part knows its true and that part feels more trustworthy.

Idk. I curiously have been watching YouTube videos about DID. they're all so much more extreme than me, it makes me question everything.

I can see some of the parts in my mind but I've always felt like it was just how my mind works and how I deal with life. I never imagined they had names or anything, it never occurred to me.

-- Welcome into the DID chaos! What you're going through is perfectly normal!

-- It's normal to have periods of denial, especially when starting to get in touch with the rest of the system. It's normal to struggle to get in touch with the rest of the system.

-- Nobody "has it worse". Every system is different. Some people could say that WE have it less worse because we have less denial and stress, but that's because we're polyfragmented. Some people would say that OSDD-1a people have it less worse because they are less dissociated, but sometimes it can be more confusing for them.

-- There is no "better" or "worse" in DID. Just, more visible and less visible. Just, different ways of coping with what happened to us.

-- It's normal to feel lost and chaotic when discovering there are other alters than you. It's normal to struggle to connect, to find a way to communicate. It's a bit like finding yourself in the driver's seat of a car for the first time in your life. Everything feels overwhelming and complicated and unknown. Then, you start working on your driver's licence. It's difficult. It takes time. Though after a while, things get better. You start memorizing things, you gain experience. And after you get your licence, and you have a few years of experiences driving, you can almost drive with your eyes closed, and you wonder how you could have been lost and scared being behind the wheel.

-- Well, starting to get in touch with the other alters, is just like that. Like learning how to drive a car. It gets better and easier with time, as things become more familiar.

-- It will get better. It's just the period of stress because everything is new and unknown and scary. Take it easy. One step at a time.

-- You will find some ressources here https://www.isst-d.org/wp-content/uploa ... ED2011.pdf

-- It's okay if you need to read this one page at a time, or to go back and forth across the document.

-- Good luck and welcome to the forums, too!

__
Zami

I don't have much of an advice since I'm new to all this (don't have any diagnosis yet except ADD and anxiety disorder). I just wanted to say that I'm going through the same $#%^ rn but I have found comfort from reading blogs about DID and this forum's post, helped me realize the way a person experiences their DID is really unique to every one of us. Since this disorder is kind of intense and there are lot of misconceptions and doubts about it, it's apparently kind of normal to question it from time to time.

I hope we both can find a peace and clarity with this as the time goes on. Glad to hear you seem to have a decent therapist at your side.

It amazes me that we all have our own unique spin on the DID spectrum.

I was just as confused as you are but with therapy and understanding by others, I'm healing and growing together with an internal workforce.

Hope you can find answers and hope here, unitywithin