What D.I.D. We Say? (Advice?)

My alts keep talking to my SO and telling her things they do or don't remember and then hours later I feel the urge to talk about what ever they were talking about and have a different memory of the events. She asks the alt when they were speaking who she is talking to. They give her my name. So she isn't nearly as disturbed by my differing/lack of memory (the conversation are usually about food we tried or hadn't or what movies we have seen, etc.) as much as the idea that my alts will impersonate me and not tell her who they are. She wants for us to work on that but if I don't know myself and get dropped into the middle of some conversation, I am kind of at a loss. How can this be handled better?

But... aren't we... the sum of our alts? Isn't Bastian you, part of you? And Lucy?

Also, someone please correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't systems accustomed to imitating the 'host', the Main? So as to not attract attention?

Do you think these alts are doing it from habit, or malice? Do they even have names? Do they consider themselves 'you'? You can't work on it until you know what you're supposed to be working on?

I think I'd be tempted to tell her it is what it is but until there's communication (and it takes two to tango) then you're kinda at a loss....

Totally agree with Snaga !

Imitating the host can be something alters are so used to do for safety reason (coherence, etc.) that it feels unsafe to be "themselves", they can feel too much exposed, and they might need a lot of time before being able to do that. Pushing them isn't going to make them feel safer...
You have the right to present yourself the way you (all of you) want and need.

My co-host and I have been in a romantic relationship with our boyfriend for more than a year now, and we've been officially dating him for six months, but my co-host and the few alters who've been out around him (mostly some Littles, we have been keeping them away from the relationship before it became official, so the adult alters had time to form a relationship with him and see if it works for them, and now they want to spend time with him as well) still feels the need to imitate me.

The rest of my system isn't used to feel safe around someone, and they need time to explore that feeling in a way that doesn't make them feel too much vulnerable. It's okay. Our boyfriend loves all of us, so it doesn't bother him to not know, and he never asks. He understands it's not about him, we don't do this because we don't trust him, on the contrary : we trust him so much, it never happened to us before, we need time to adjust and get used to that feeling.

We even do this with our therapist. The point is to communicate in a way the alter feel safe. If it feels safe to imitate me, then it's not a problem. We could clarify it later.

Also, they could do this because they fear being rejected if they give their name (if they have one !).
That's something my ex did, and the main reason my co-host still pretend a bit to be me around our boyfriend. He's afraid to make him feel uncomfortable, still have a hard time to believe our boyfriend loves him too, and still expect to be told "Why Plume isn't here ? Why it's you who's explaining me this ? She should be the one here and explaining."

It's not something that can be rushed, it needs time, reassurance, and some alters might never be able to feel safe enough to give their name.

Have you asked your SO why it's important to her to know who she's talking to ?

For some of us, being openly multiple (assuming I am), is not an option. Which makes it imperative that system parts that can front, keep a low profile and go along, to get along. Pretending to be a Singly is too ingrained, for some people to just stop on a dime, and that's something your S/O is just going to have to be patient with, Kalli. She needs to understand this is a survival skill, ingrained out of habit of necessity- something it will take time to unlearn for when she is around. It's not something you just 'turn off'.

Thank you Snaga and Dwelt,

Yeah, the reason is likely based on her own feelings/concerns but mostly having a genuine interest in understanding what is going on. I understand this. Apparently she had read about someone who had an alt who hated their partner/so whatever. This probably had her worried. (My alts so far tend to be respectful to her when fronting. The littles have impressed on her like a momma duckling. So, I think that helps. Not to mention we are both trying hard to understand and map my system.

I do know they tend to be very shy when switching but tha5 may be my insecurity bleeding through to them? I don't know. We are both trying to be super patient. The process has felt traumatic itself and it feel unrelenting. The minute I think I have an answer, more pop up. Not to mention the emotional rollercoaster of passive influence, strange sleep, denial, and this all freaking out my abandonment and anxiety issues. I am counting down the hours to my next appointment and it couldn't come sooner. I keep writing things in my journal as if they were things I wanted to say to my T, even though some of it they may never see. I think it is easier to journal if it feels more like someone other than me were reading it. Maybe I am weird, I dont know.

I think you have a point Dwelt, their is a good chance some of them may fear rejection, hosts included though in many ways, we know that our long term relationship isn't easily shaken. Thank goodness.

Keeping a distance until a relationship is established sounds like a really good idea. And congrats on your "newish" relationship, we wish you all the best. I am curious how they reacted to being told of your system. I feel similarly about working with my T. Just the thought of switching in front of the T makes me hyperventilate. Between the attachment potential, denial, and the anxiety it may be a long time before she knows them unless the T starts noticing spontaneous switches. I really need to feel safe around her and it will take time.

Snaga, I feel for you and your situation around having to be covert. I can't fathom myself in that position, though with me, I suspect covert was no longer an option for my system given how it all went down. Good luck to you all.

Again. Thank you for your advice.

Apparently she had read about someone who had an alt who hated their partner/so whatever. This probably had her worried.

Yeah, I understand how it can be a bit scary for an outside person to learn about that.

I do know they tend to be very shy when switching but tha5 may be my insecurity bleeding through to them? I don't know.

It's a possibility. There's so many things playing into DID, switching and dynamics between alters...

At first with my ex, Daem pretended to be me because *I* was to one too uncomfortable with the idea. Daem wasn't the kind who put a lot of efforts into pretending to be me with people we feel safe with + my ex was there when I discovered about my DID and system, and she seemed to be extra-supportive and okay with it at the beginning ; but I wasn't ready for this at all. It was already weird enough to notice him acting through me and to remember about it.

The minute I think I have an answer, more pop up. Not to mention the emotional rollercoaster of passive influence, strange sleep, denial

Luckily, it calms down after a while. Or maybe we get used to dealing with it... anyway, I think it becomes a bit easier.

I think it is easier to journal if it feels more like someone other than me were reading it. Maybe I am weird, I dont know.

I totally get that ! We write in our journal kind of the same way we would write a story, as if someone would read it one day. It helps a lot.

Keeping a distance until a relationship is established sounds like a really good idea. And congrats on your "newish" relationship, we wish you all the best. I am curious how they reacted to being told of your system.

Thank you =)
He kind of always knew, for two reasons : first, we had few websites in common, and he saw us sharing our French forum about DID before we became friends. Second, and that the "fun" part of our story : he was a friend of my ex first, and even if he became us too after a short while, she reached for him more than once to complain about me and Daem. So yeah, he already knew about a lot

I feel similarly about working with my T. Just the thought of switching in front of the T makes me hyperventilate. Between the attachment potential, denial, and the anxiety it may be a long time before she knows them unless the T starts noticing spontaneous switches. I really need to feel safe around her and it will take time.

Yep, relationship with T is a big thing. It's totally okay to take your time !

Hope it will calm down for you soon !

Thank you again

Hope everyone is well and looking forward to a great weekend.

Just the idea that things will settle is helpful to know. I hope for our S/O they do soon. She is having a rough week with everything. Myself as well. My T wants "me" to learn more about their backstory. Afraid to poke that bear. There is a reason they hold memories. I can ask them to say things we might all feel cumfy with, perhaps. I am not exactly the one in charge of things in these situations. So any advice on digging into their stories would be greatly appreciated. I started with basic map and Name, age. Jobs, behavior. likes and dislikes. If what little I know of these is the best we can do, the T will have to be content with that.

It sounds as if you're doing fine. I wouldn't force anything, let them speak as they are willing. Hugs!

I would say : follow your instinct and what your guts are telling you. If you don't feel comfortable to look into their backstory for now, it's okay ! And you don't have to do all of their stories at once. If you have an alter you know more than the others, maybe you can start with them ?

But usually, therapists are just offering ideas of work that can be done. You can say it if you don't want to do that now. A good T will not pressure you into doing something if you don't feel it's the right time.

If you don't want to go that way, ask your T if they have other ideas, or think about what you want to explore (about your system, or about your own past).

Doing a map and trying to complete it with whatever the system want to share seems like a very good start

Hi,

We learned that the system had to be pretty balanced - and get good at re-balancing itself - before we could do anything with memories. That's why it takes so long before you get to that part of the therapy.

Also I'm totally freaking GOOD at impersonating Host. I do it all the time. I'm not trying to mess things up. It's just what we're supposed to do to stay safe.

Iain