I lost them and I feel terrible

Hi, I'm new here.
I was recently made aware of my system and had pretty good contact with some switching. But it came with so much "noise" that I had to ask for quiet after a few days so i could rest.
Now it seems most of the contact is lost, all I get are weird bodily symptoms like a feeling of overwhelmed eyes, DP/DR and the occasional headache.

I regret breaking contact while I had it, is there any way I can get it back?
Today I tried to go inside the headspace but it was hard to tell anything from my own imagination, I suspect there is a figure that keeps everyone apart but I'm not sure if I made it up or not.

Any advice at all would be appreciated, I feel so bad for being left outside while not understanding what's going on with me or why.
(I have appointments with a psychologist for evaluation but I'm going to have to wait for it)

Hello, and welcome!

I'm (maybe) more OSDD1b than DID, however for me I don't try to force, or fight things. If I force I feel frustrated, if I on the other hand fight them I find myself usually dizzy. I just let things happen when they do.

Snaga wrote:Hello, and welcome!

I'm (maybe) more OSDD1b than DID, however for me I don't try to force, or fight things. If I force I feel frustrated, if I on the other hand fight them I find myself usually dizzy. I just let things happen when they do.

Because we're an admin some of us can't post as them. But we're not playin' with you we're the same meatbag as that one (Snaga) (makes a face)

Look we'er not DID so we really can't say for everyone I mean we have this continuity of memory it's like oh yeah so and so did this and so and so did that and there's times where some or all of use except Hosty hide away in the headspace and we just live in our limbo but it's like we look as a system as a whole like a hive mind because I mean with like OSDD or DID it's like the person, the brain as a whole is like, in charge and doing these things for protection and/or to deal with overwhiming stuff (and almost everything makes us feel overwhelmed esp Hosty) and so it's like sometimes we get real quiet and Hosty doesn't feel like we exist after all and then we go thru a lot of being in or near the front and it's then like he can't get away from us even if he wants to but yeah he also gets used to us and can feel a bit aloneish? I guess when no one else is near the front but anyway like, the system? the hive-mind? Tends to know what's best in the moment for us. So we kinda see the um corporate us as a hive mind that acts like I guess some invisible influence a force that sometimes resets things or gets us thru a split or allows us to know a little more about ourselves and stuff and sometimes you just will have to walk out on faith that your brain knows what's best and if there's like a part that is in charge of who is near the front who's used for what needs or tasks and stuff like that then yeah sometimes someone in the system will get pissy or stubborn but in the end it all rights itself and things will settle down so be patient and try to remain like calm and stuff we know it's really hard when you're not feeling good like for us if we get too switchy or stuff we can feel all crowded with feeling of pressure in the head and especially get dizzy and stuff but we just have to be patient and let it settle down and sometimes if you're super lucky then the part that you really need in front to calm everything down will get out and do that.

Maybe if you apologise to them just say to yourself outloud or internally that you're sorry you fought them and broke off contact and that it was just a mistake and you didn't mean anything by it and explain that you're just overwhelmed and if any of them could help with that you'd sure appreciate it.

I mean, if the 'noise' is since becoming aware of the system then it follows there was some kind of mechanism in place before that or the noise would have been driving you nuts for a long time before that yeah? So they can do it again they just might have to be sweet talked into it especially if someone or several in the system feel kinda rejected and butthurt.

but don't try to make anyone come out or anything like that no one likes being a circus poodle and jump through hoops just have to learn to be like polite to each other and the more you can compromise with each other then like the better and easier it is to work together.

Also don't forget that I think at least with us from what we see that some systems kinda have a natural ebb and flow to them there are times when it's like only Hosty and then there are times that the system get more restless and parts need to express themselves and sometimes it's just all inside like influence more than anyone like fronting or anything and gosh it gets SO confusing sometimes but just take a deep breath, stay calm, and have faith that your SYSTEM knows best in the long run and that it'll sort itself out it just might take a while and be a little bumpy is all. But you've been around as a system for... years... and you're still above ground! You got this. It's just part of like discovery and finding out how to consciously work together now that awareness is here, yeah? It's like I guess maybe I don't know if it's like that for everyone but it seems like especially if you're DID and you've like lived your whole life with gaps and stuff that like once you become aware of one or more of you maybe it's kinda like it's a good thing but you could almost look at it like when someone has a stroke and they have to learn to do things again? Maybe it's like that it's just a upset and a shake up and you got to relearn how to get along but now knowing hey there's others in here and well we managed before so we can do this again we just have to learn it over in a new way and stuff.

Maybe we're full of it but that's what it feels like to us sometimes.

<3

Thanks for answering!

It seemed so well planned out in the beginning, most of the really calm and peaceful ones took over the body and they showed their intentions with music and writing.
It was just a bit too noisy because I could sense everyone and they seem to be many, I figured it was because my brain was getting used to the awareness.

Since it went quiet I've tried to explain myself and show that I appreciated the way I was being informed, it felt safe and it gave me time to process. But it's like someone put their foot down and closed everything up and now all I feel is confusion and grief.

I just wish I could understand what's going on, they seemed to know what they were doing up until the break. Logically I understand that I can't force it (even if I tried) but I still feel awful.
We were happy too meet each other, I wish I could have kept in touch with some of them at least instead of having them all ripped away like that.

I'm not sure that genie can be put back in the bottle, even if you wanted to- I'm willing to wager they'll show themselves eventually.

-- I've had periods of "everybody is hiding" before. And periods when I was the one hiding. It's only temporary.

-- What helped me/us was, sitting, focusing on breathing, and allowing ourself to feel the emotions. Yes, the emotions are here. They have the right to exist. It's okay to want peace and quiet sometimes. It's okay to miss the ones who are hiding / dormant. It's okay to feel frustrated and to feel "pushed away" when some want quiet and others want to talk. There is always a solution that can be found to mediate everybody's needs and feelings and wishes.

-- Journalling about it is something that I/we found helpful.

-- Good luck!

__
Zami