Checking in *TW*

I'm pretty sure I haven't been here in a while. Things were pretty quiet since I quit my job and went on vacation. But now things have been stressful and getting weirder. So I guess I just wanted to vent. Which I think would be nice to do here since I no longer keep any journals.

Stressors:

I started a new job. Lower pay and crappy work but pretty consistent time off at least and not being treated like crap is nice.

Moved into a new house. Rent is high. Roommates haven't been too great. I've had to pay for new appliances and pretty much everything including this month's rent out of my own pocket.

Also car trouble but whatever.

Anyway:

Been having a lot of dissociative episodes lately. Hugely when visiting family here lately. Almost went into a panic attack trying to stay calm and in control and presenting myself as normal.

Been dissociating a lot while driving lately too. You know, just spacing out and coming too some minutes later. It hasn't been a big deal, and I've read that it's actually normal, but today it seemed worse. I drive for a living, and I was coming up to my delivery stop and next thing I know I had driven past it and had to circle back. That's the first time that that has happened.

Normal depression and suicidal thoughts. No new self harm for the past few months. Lots of weird feelings going on though. Brain tingles, body tingles, etc. And some other weird stuff. I thought maybe it's epilepsy or something. Idk.

Sleep related:

One night, I had this wonderful experience, while trying to go to sleep, where I imagined myself dying. And then I felt like I actually was, and felt like such a calming, peaceful release. I've been trying to get that same feeling ever since, unsuccessfully, but it gives me hope for the future in a way.

I've also had some disturbing dreams about incest, and genitalia.

And a dream where I had a daughter whom I loved so much. And when I woke, all I wanted was to have a child, and that was followed by severe depression with the thought that I would likely never have one.

Last night:

I had a dream last night (now the night before last). I often dream. And usually I wake up depressed and not really wanting to live. This dream was not really different in that regard, but still peculiar. I've been trying to keep its memory alive in my mind for this moment here where I can put it out.

It involved an old girlfriend of mine. The last one I ever truly felt like I actually loved (sometimes (maybe I am bipolar)). IRL, she has gotten married, probably has kids now. In my dream she looked a little different, and talked different, with a strong accent, like her heritage had become more pronounced with time. And it made me realize that I wasn't meant for her, that I couldn't be part of her life, and that her husband is better for her life than I could have been. All of that is actually quite painful now but it was ok in my dream. What's more ok is that in my dream she told me that she had started taking anti-depressants and that that had really helped her out. And that was inspiring. Later... I? said it was time to put on a different "mask." And then I woke up. I don't want to say what we called the mask in my dream, but it makes sense, because that's who I am when I wake up, when I call in to work to find out what I'm doing that day.

So that's been on my mind all day. And I've been alternating between hopeless depression and hoping to finally take care of my mental health. Maybe next year.

Hello 08uP,

It's good to ehar you found a new job, even if it's not perfect (can a job be perfect ?) but at least it's not too stressful for you which is a good thing.

Be careful that your roomates don't ask this from you all the time, eveyone should do and pay their own part.

As for the dreams, don't belittle yourself, no one said you couldn't have made this woman happy too, it's just thing didn't happen the way you expected, that's part of life.


I hope you find the strength in you to look for help and not feel overwhelmed by these issues.
You can always check other posts in this forum, they can be very helpful with lots of tips.


Larme