The Return of the Ellenofnine ***Trigger Warning ***

Hi,

I haven't been on this forum for some time.

[I am still having housing issues. I have a place to shelter, but still not a home, and time is running out. There are some health issues as well.]

**** Trigger Warning! I am going through SSI/SSD re-determination. In addition to the anxiety I am feeling, one of the SSI people triggered me. During the course of a phone interview, he wanted to control me, as a person. He was angry with me because he had to spend too long to help me, so he made me apologize. We argued about the time. In the end, he made me agree even to how long his version of the call was, but it said something different on my phone. *****

By evening, I was going through bad panic attacks, that were so bad, I went to the hospital. My blood pressure and heart-rate were high. I asked for some Ativan for the anxiety.

**** Trigger Warning! When the doctor asked me what was the matter, I told him that I had talked to someone on the phone who made me feel like I did when I raped as a child.****

I made an appointment with my doctor. She got some kind of counselor/social worker. I don't think she can help me with housing, but she will document some of my difficulty, psychologically. So we talked on the phone about anything that might have caused me trauma.

I know I have PTSD. I told her I could have some kind of dissociative disorder. I can't control what people think, but I would rather them not treat my dissociative issues as psychosis. And yet, I don't want them, or apparently, even me to know that I am a multiple.

Still, I knew that I came here, and posted something. I remembered my login name, and got the password after a few tries. I felt so proud that I remembered, until I found out that I made 41 posts here, and there's a draft here that may or may not have been posted.

I don't know what to do. I don't want anyone to know about me.

I've been handling things the best that I can, and for a long time the only parts of me that faced the world, where there to to protect me, but they can't feel as much, and that is what makes them stronger.

But the parts of me that feel also remember what happened. I feel like my life won't let me switch. I'm just handling everything.

I don't know what to do, because I need someone who I can trust, but I don't have anyone : (

If I tell anyone at the medical center, or if they really figure things out, they would hurt me : (

I just herd my little self sta that las thing. I need to be me, and let them out, but I am scared. I don't want anyone to hurt me.

I found out that I am 8 years old, and I don't know why I am 8 yers old becayse my body o is very old.

I have a stuffed rabbit animal. I want to get it. I am so stupid.

I could not find the rabbit. I have to find someone I can trust, who is trustworthy, somehow.

Well, LOL, what kind of update did you think you were going to find on a Did forum?

Welcome back!

Even people who have not been abused get triggered by horrible behavior like that. I expect you can refuse to deal with that man again, and ask for your case to be reassigned. Do you think that would help? Or are you nearly at the finish line now?

Consumer-facing workers everywhere are very stressed out, and so are consumers. Call volumes are surging. This week I had one of these workers fly off the handle and verbally attack me. It took me a quite a while to calm down.

I am glad you have a safe place to live now, even though it is temporary.

Hey there did you find your rabbit?
Its not stupid to have a rabbit it can be scary when grown ups don't understand. We had to go talk to the police about the Mr's what abused us and we brough our toy doggy and the grown ups looked at us like why do you have a stuffed doggy but when we talked we squeeze the doggy so tight they saw we needed the doggy and they let me keep it. I'm sorry you don't have a proper house. Grown ups can help if they now you are lots of people. We had some nice grown up lady's that came to our shelter and they made sure we would be ok if we gotted a home.

Give bunny a big squeeze when you find it. Peter and eli

Hi @Una+, I am unsure if I am done with him. If not I guess I should ask for a different person. I am sorry that you had trouble with your worker.

Hi @Eliasahorse, yes, I found the rabbit, and found this stuffed little dog that I have for a long time.

This is going to seem strange, but sometimes, I need to be. (It's hard to type, like buffering information from one place to another). This is so hard to do this. I am switching almost every minute to type. I guess, that I need to well, be someone else to go outside, and do the things I need to, and I get stuck. More or less, my adult parts get locked out front, and then, they become depersonalized, and then the other parts of me, don't every come out.

I feel better and even more alive, even switching, than being locked to being one thing.

I can do things, but I am unkind to myself, by making myself be strong, when I need to be alive. There are worse things than switching, but I am so secret about it. For the last 2 years, it has felt like I have been on a ledge, waiting for the window to open so I can come inside. I am so scared.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I might even get a counselor, but I can't tell them because SSD hates me, and they want to hurt me.

A few years ago, I lost a dear friend because I told her, that I was likely DID.

I can't seem to get this sentence out:
EoN's ANP is upset because there is a day missing from last week.

I've already typed it from three or four points of view. Then, it's wrong, and it has to be changed. LOL!

My regular doctor is supposed to call today. I hope I have this sorted out when I answer the phone.

Today, I told one of my oldest friends about what's going on. She is TS, and likely on the autistic spectrum, herself. So far, she's been a great friend, but she is a long-distance friend.

I told her than I lost a day last week.

I tried to explain some of the subtle things. I asked her to count to herself to ten. Whatever I am does not always use the same narrative speaker. (That it's very upsetting, and I cannot stop it.)

I even told her that when I first moved here from out of state, at times, I did not know where I was or how I got here, and that's f'ed up.

[I had moved here from across the country. I came out here from work. I couldn't find a place to rent, so I slept at work, but would walk around in the early morning. I had managed to stay ANP until then, until someone followed me in their car. It could have even been a detective looking out for me for all I know. I switched out, to someone who didn't know where they were. I had a fugue-state, 3,500 miles from home, and it happened more than once. That's an awesome chunk of f'ed up psychology. Why shouldn't I keep it from myself? LOL!]

I guess that it's easy to be open on a forum, when I might not even remember I was every here. I know I switched today, around others. Still wearing a mask and social distancing.

Last night, whatever I was then, did not recognize the same electronic project I have been working on, for days.

This is so hard to get out. It said, "What the hell is that?" Outloud. I don't know what I am right now. I'm scared.

...

I was looking at the floor because I was afraid to look at the monitor. I heard my kids say, "It's true..."

They think it's "wrong" to be more than one person, or to have more than one person.

I am going to record some video, soon. Or I will disappear from hear for another year or two, and hardly remember the half of it. : P

- Good luck dealing with the people who think it is "wrong" to be dissociative. In here, we tend to be very irritated by the pathologisation of DID. Being DID is not wrong. What is wrong is, what caused us to be DID.

- It happens to us too, not to know who/what we are at times. It is scary at first, but after a while, it becomes part of the daily routine. We aknowledge that our sense of identity is blurred at the moment, and take some time to calm down, breathe, then we focus on what we need to do (house chores, work, this kind of things). Focusing on tasks helps us going through the blurry identity phase, and can sometimes trigger (positive trigger) one of us fully front.

- Loosing time is uncomfortable. It happens here too, but we shrug it off. We tend to keep a tight record of our daily activities through a bullet journal, as well as using a gamification to-do list app. Together, they feel like a safety net in case we loose time. I hope this might give you some ideas on how to deal with your own time losses.

- Take care.

---

- X

Thanks for replying ArbreMonde.

Oddly, the "they" that thought it was wrong to be more than one person are me.

~

I found some handy notes on my computer, about my alter names and ages : O
It was right were I was going to save list the ones that I remembered.