I have stumbled over a boundary issue several times this past week.
Person A with trauma wants to feel close to person B with trauma. The only way they know how to achieve closeness is emotional care-taking, like they have probably done it for abusive parents. So A takes on a false responsibility to manage Bs well-being. Sometimes without B even knowing this is happening. Sometimes with an open invitation to lean on them.
In every one of the 3 situations I encountered last week A was in a miserable position themselves and in need of help. Taking responsibility for someone else was obviously too much.
To me what it looked like was A begging B to emotionally abuse them because that is the only closeness they know.
We know that care-taking can help people to feel more powerful in general when they feel powerless about their own life. But this is a trap. It creates an abusive situation.
It shocks me deeply when we get approached that way by complete strangers. We have long-standing friendships on this forum and that is a different kind of exchange. I feel like trust was earned here.
One of the 'person A's we observed in the unhealthy pattern, without boundaries and trying to take responsibility for someone elses emotions, was a part of our system. The understanding of the dynamic is new to us.
We wanted to point it out, that it can happen and that it is happening on this forum, so you can reflect on it and check yourself and your interactions. I want everyone to be safe. And offering others that they can emotionally abuse us for their well-being when we barely make it through the day ourselves is not safe. Neither is allowing someone to take on the role of helper when there is no foundation of relationship and earned trust.
Please take care.