Never good enough...

So Friday morning around 10:30 my mother posts on FB saying she's going to the doctor to get migraine shots... whatever. Moments later she commented "ooops, not going... 'vehicle accident'"- in a COMMENT.

I see this FOUR HOURS LATER... and reply "Whaaat?!". Obviously a comment, not even tagging me or my brother AND that it had been FOUR HOURS, kind of hinted at that it was NOT serious.

A few hours later (around 6:30pm) she posts saying she'd backed into glass doors on the back of the house. That's all. Ruined those doors. When she posted this, we were out with the niece and nephew at a city halloween thing.

Sat morning, church (Sabbath), then family time... on the way to that at around 2, we see Mom has posted all this $#%^ tagging me by name to gripe that "neither of my sons called me, I could have been seriously hurt, they just don't care enough".

Seriously?! I am so sick and tired of NEVER being able to measure up. To NEVER be good enough. Angel and Satin in our system suffer immensely from this- in fact the "demand for perfection" and failing to live up to that likely pushed us to break to a point Charles, Satin, and Emily exist...
Since waking up this morning around 7:15 (about 3 hrs ago), we've been in and out constantly- more Angel, Satin, and some Pixie, and little me... in and out and in and out and in and out. So much instability... b/c we can't freakin even be good enough for our mother to not be freaking public shamed and called out over not calling in a panic if she's ok... for backing into a ######6 sliding glass doors?! And that she herself couldn't call to tell us over the FOUR HOURS before I saw it?! And we're supposed to freakin panic or be bad kids that don't love her?!

Angel wrote he wishes he could tell her to "###$ off" and just leave us the hell alone. I almost agree at this point. So sick of this.

Hi guys just wanted to say that sucks and I hope you are calming down now. She deserves the public shaming for what happened to you. Some people are just sick. And it's crap when they are related to you.

Hello Zor,

That is awful. I have to say that when it said the appointment was canceled due to an accident, I assumed there was a traffic jam or roadblock or something. It hardly seems like you or your brother's fault. I don't want to talk bad about anyone butbit FEELS to me like it was manipulative on her part, though feelings don't necessarily refelct the actual situation. Just my impression given what I read.

Hugs

I am not sure if you are aware, but she is staging a drama in which you have the role of the one who isn't good enough. it doesn't matter what you do or don't do, she makes it so that you end up in that place. it is severely manipulative and designed to be at your cost.
you can't stop her but you can stop accepting the role she is asigning you in her drama.
Start setting boundaries. if you feel brave, call out her BS.
And stop thinking there is anything you could do to make it right for her.
you are at a place in life where her drama doesn't have to dominate your day.
I know it is difficult at first, but you can give a $#%^ about what she believes about your worth. it is not like it matters. it is all drama anyway.
those inside who still try to please can realize that they can stop now. the childhood when that was adaptive is over.

& I agree with Birdsong!

& In here, the mother would do the same. Not say anything when a blood relative had a very big health issue, and days later, yell at us for not asking how that person was doing. Like we could guess there was something we needed to ask about...

& It is of course, all staged to make us - or you - look bad. She's playing the victim so that you can be the bad guy, and have other people play the savior. It's a passive-agressive think, I guess. She wants to attack you and make you look bad, but she does not want to look bad herself. So she needs to be your victim.

& I'll try to make a drawing?

& What she does: SHE ► YOU. If people can see that, then PEOPLE ► SHE to protect you.

& What she makes it look like: SHE ◄ YOU. So that PEOPLE ► YOU and she can feel a pang of victory for manipulating them into doing what she wants to do. She stays passive and still is agressive towards you.

& It's the victim-prosecutor-savior thing, you know?

& Our mother used to do that All. The. Time. So we stopped interacting with her at all. It is the only way we found so we could have peace. She still trashes us behind our back though but we don't interact with her social circle either.

& I hope you'll find a way to protect yourself/ves from your own mother, too!

& XOXO and tons of support!

--

Urielle

KalliopePS wrote:Hello Zor,

That is awful. I have to say that when it said the appointment was canceled due to an accident, I assumed there was a traffic jam or roadblock or something. It hardly seems like you or your brother's fault. I don't want to talk bad about anyone butbit FEELS to me like it was manipulative on her part, though feelings don't necessarily refelct the actual situation. Just my impression given what I read.

Hugs

I figured it wasn't anything big- a tire in the ditch, hitting their mailbox, backing into a garage door... I mean, I saw the post HOURS later and not a peep from her, and she'd posted that comment almost immediately. If it were serious they could have called and certainly FB wouldn't be a first thought kind of thing...

But for her feelings and blow up... What the hell does she expect?! Life to revolve around HER?! Feels nothing, it WAS manipulative and mean. Her feelings were way out there for backing into glass doors. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, it's a serious inconvenience and upsetting... but NO ONE WAS HURT. Her feelings were way overblown and that reaction was absurd.

ArbreMonde wrote:& I'll try to make a drawing?

& What she does: SHE ► YOU. If people can see that, then PEOPLE ► SHE to protect you.

& What she makes it look like: SHE ◄ YOU. So that PEOPLE ► YOU and she can feel a pang of victory for manipulating them into doing what she wants to do. She stays passive and still is agressive towards you.

& It's the victim-prosecutor-savior thing, you know?

Urielle

GREAT breakdown. Yeah, it's taken several years to understand this, mostly since we've been aware of our dissociation and system... even then it's taken a lot to get it... but that puts it so very very clearly.

She gets to be martyr and hero... all while in reality being just another villain, another monster hurting us.

You guys are right- and the distance we've had between us all this time clearly hasn't been enough. IDK what more I can do, without cutting her out entirely- which will only play into her game even more and openly... but distance and caution are VERY necessary right now, especially with her.

Hi Zor,

Oh man we know how that feels. It's awful!!! I hope you can really get how it's not your fault. Like everybody says - it's just drama. But it hurts pretty bad. Some people come with a price tag on their love. We always tried to pay the price and always got hurt. Don't pay ok? You don't have to because you're a good person whatever your mom says.

Iain & Cody

Zor wrote:IDK what more I can do, without cutting her out entirely- which will only play into her game even more and openly... but distance and caution are VERY necessary right now, especially with her.

I don't know the whole situation, so maybe I'm missing something.

But to me, cutting her out entirely isn't playing into her game more, it's quitting the game, saying "I don't want to play anymore".

You can't play if you're not here. She will not be able to play for long if you don't respond, if she can't expect to trigger you. If she wants to keep playing, she will eventually have to find someone else to trigger and manipulate.

Dwelt wrote:

Zor wrote:IDK what more I can do, without cutting her out entirely- which will only play into her game even more and openly... but distance and caution are VERY necessary right now, especially with her.

I don't know the whole situation, so maybe I'm missing something.

But to me, cutting her out entirely isn't playing into her game more, it's quitting the game, saying "I don't want to play anymore".

You can't play if you're not here. She will not be able to play for long if you don't respond, if she can't expect to trigger you. If she wants to keep playing, she will eventually have to find someone else to trigger and manipulate.

She'd use it as an excuse to play martyr and post public about us... "see he's cutting me out of his life entirely, he just doesn't care about me" stuff.
It just feels like a no-win situation.