How do you maintain friendships as a system?

Hello, this is my first time posting on here, I'm not sure if this topic has been covered already. My name is Patience, I'm the host of my system and also a protector. I'm really struggling with inner system conflicts over how we should form relationships with other people, looking for any thoughts on how to have secure friendships with DID.

I've only been diagnosed for a few months, so I'm still working on building up system communication. Lately I've been trying to be more open about being multiple with family and friends, but not all my system members are happy about this.

Last night I tried talking to my sister about my struggles with DID, and she was really supportive. But once I started feeling vulnerable and talking about real emotions, then another alter- we'll call her L-switched to the front and started feeling as if my entire relationship with my sister is fake and surface-level and we don't really know her at all. L felt betrayed that I would try and share our struggles with someone else. L's been cold and distant in the headspace ever since, and it hurts me so much because I love L and only want to help her- I was trying to help us by sharing our emotions with a trusted friend, not hurt us. But now I feel like I've failed as a protector and betrayed L's trust.

At the same time, I also feel like I'm losing my real-life sister over this. I can't open up and be honest with her, because L will feel betrayed. I only want what's best for my system, but I'm at a loss of what to do. I'm sitting alone in my room unable to talk to my friends/family because it will make L cry. She doesn't want to talk about feelings and thinks it's pointless and unnecessary torture, she likes to cope by going numb and sees no reason to change. I hate knowing that L is hurting and she won't tell me why, I hate knowing that she hates me for making her cry.

I don't want to lose friends and family becasue of my trauma, does anyone have any advice on how to approach getting support when other alters feel traumatized any time I try to open up?

Also in a more general sense, how are friendships supposed to work with DID? I feel so much love for the people in my life, but some alters want to distance themselves from everyone. Does that make my(Patience) friendships less valid? Can my personality parts relate to friends and family as separate people? Meaning, can I be friends with someone other alters aren't friends with? Is that fair to other people? Or should it be a lowest-common-denominator situation... if some alters don't trust a person, then that means we ALL don't trust that person, because those alters are valid too? I just want to do what's right for my system but I feel like I don't know what to do.

Anyone been through this before or know what I'm talking about? Advice on how to help L? Other systems out there, how do you personally approach friendships? -Patience

I think it would be a good idea to slow down, and to talk about this with your therapist. It's important to remember that the only thing that has changed is your awareness of the system.

You already have relationships with people--you have people that you are calling your friends and family. The relationships you need to work on are the ones inside, and to learn that it's not a good idea to make unilateral decisions about important and permanent things without making sure that all of you are in agreement about them.

That certainly includes letting outside people in on this new awareness of yours. This is personal information that you don't have everyone's agreement to share with other people, and once you tell someone, you can't take it back--it's a permanent decision.

Therapy can help L learn new coping skills, and can help her learn to tolerate talking about feelings. But that's a long way in the future.

If you felt like you already had a relationship with your sister, then you still have one, it just might not be able to include talking about DID until the rest of your system is ok with that.

If some alters don't trust someone that you trust, you would need to find out why they don't trust that person, and look at whether or not you're being too trusting, or whether they are reacting based on earlier experiences with other people, and aren't giving the current person a fair chance. These are all things that are worked on in the relationship with the therapist, since developing trust in the T is a big part of the therapy.

Gang made great points. Good post, Gang.

In our system, Kalliope is generally the Social Director and go-to. Alts give out opinions. It takes a lot for any of the system parts to trust. Our system has been fairly covert so telling people, so far, has been a matter of choice. We don't tell many people we know and definitely don't tell people we don't know. (Anonymous Psych Forum aside.)

Kalliope has been very kind about talking things through and asking our permission before talking to people about us and the situation. Just as Gang said, have a concensus.

Also ask yourself just how relevant it is to those relationships. For us that is limited to a select few. We are new and learning.

Being new, we feel we need to learn us better before making any huge decisions. So far we have agreed, on not telling without checking in, and on one single pair of pants we all like. We know pants are a small thing but it gives us a starting point. Life is the same, we just have a better way of dealing with it than we did before.

Breathe and relax, you can do this.

EarthlingSystem wrote:
Also in a more general sense, how are friendships supposed to work with DID? I feel so much love for the people in my life, but some alters want to distance themselves from everyone. Does that make my(Patience) friendships less valid? Can my personality parts relate to friends and family as separate people? Meaning, can I be friends with someone other alters aren't friends with? Is that fair to other people? Or should it be a lowest-common-denominator situation... if some alters don't trust a person, then that means we ALL don't trust that person, because those alters are valid too? I just want to do what's right for my system but I feel like I don't know what to do.

Anyone been through this before or know what I'm talking about? Advice on how to help L? Other systems out there, how do you personally approach friendships? -Patience

Hello Earthling!

We have a Vulcan child in our system!

As to the friendship issue, we have been having this issue for the last several years. A different host was fronting when they're 'real life friend' left them out of being told of an 'important life event' (the kind you'd expect someone to tell their best friend first, or be one of the first).

After that she (our alter) felt there was no point being here (on the outside) we also lost a much loved family member in the real world around the same time which I guess didn't help matters as she was plunged into depression. She had been a host who had been unaware of the rest of the system and whose job it was just to deal with daily life and after becoming aware she struggled to cope so others had to take over.

Unfortunately our one that took over had no interest in maintaining the relationship, maybe because they understood how much the system member had been hurt by the 'friends' actions and partly other lies they seemed to know about which the previous host had been oblivious to.

The 'friend' is incredibly thick skinned though and seems to think if she continues to visit she is more than making up for it, thankfully the pandemic came to our rescue so she can't physically visit. Our 2nd current host (which has changed again since the one that originally took over) doesn't encourage her in anyway either but she still continues to send messages about once a month.

So we have some who desperately want 'out' of the relationship and a chance to make their own friends, and some who are happy not having any as people are too unreliable and unpredictable. Some see no point cos we've now discovered 'each other' so why can't our own alters just 'be our friends and/family?'

We are a covert system so NO-ONE else in our life knows and every alter that 'comes out' in front of real life others has to pretend to be whoever the other person is expecting!

Team Kit

TheGangsAllHere wrote:If you felt like you already had a relationship with your sister, then you still have one, it just might not be able to include talking about DID until the rest of your system is ok with that.

Thanks for your reply, this helped me a lot...you're right, I already have relationships with my friends and family, just because I don't front all the time doesn't mean that I'm not friends with people for that time...it sounds so simple when you say it, but it's what I needed to hear. I feel less anxiety realizing that the only thing that's fundamentally changed is my new awareness of other alters.