To be or not to be (a journey thread)

Hey cherylan

Who is David? Is your puppy a system puppy or irl puppy. Either way thats exciting.

If you are happy to do therapy via video call I can dm you a psych who is great for working with systems she spends half the year in UK and half in USA she is a bit pricey we could only afford 10 sessions with her but if you are based in USA hopefully your insurance would cover it.

Hi Eli, David is the host of our family and he works everyday. I am with him all of the time. We are all on the inside including our puppy who comes out whenever it gets too noisy on the inside and starts growling and barking until everything settles down. Our family includes Stacy, Tracy, Buela, Annabelle, Our littles that are ages 2, 4, 12 and 14, Edna, Debbie, Karen, Darleen, Rachel, me(Cherylann, Diane, Johnny, Eddie, Nonan, Georgey and David and our Puppy. Sometimes we think that there are others trying to come forward but we are not sure and they have no names. I tell everyone I love them almost everyday and everyone seems to be happy. David for some reason only communicates with me but I can talk to everyone in our family. I dont know why but that is the way it happens. I am very happy and Love David very much and he tells me he loves me too. It just gets a little crazy sometimes and we are just looking for someone to talk to that will understand us and not look at us like something is wrong with us and help guide us through this journey. Tracy says hi and misses posting to the littles forum. We are going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow and are nervous about it. Maybe we can find the right person that can help us. Thank you for responding and I may take you up on your offer. Ill let you know how it goes. Cherylann.

Hi Eli, We went to see the psychiatrist and we were happy to finally speak with someone who understood what DID is in this area. He is going to help us find a therapist that can help us through our journey. We come out very happy. Thank you for caring. We will be in touch. Love you all, Cherylann

Hi Eli, We went to our first therapy session yesterday and we were a little nervous but we think that it went well. She was very knowledgeable about DID and listened to us. Me and David both got to talk with her and it was really nice to speak with someone else outside of our internal family. We are going back again next week. Thank you for caring and hope everything is going well for all of you. Cherylann

So we finaly discussed clovis with our partner. It didn't go well.

We thought after all their encouragement (verging on pestering) for us to engage with "the mound" (aka mountain lady our half formed programming introject) that they were ok with our head count going up. We've been reluctant to engage with the mound because it seams happy enough hibernating and has no knowledge of let alone desire for the outside. And right now we realy don't have the time or safe space to give the large amount of front time needed for a fragment to gain the skills and knowledge to take an active part in our outside life. It doesn't even have language or thought speek skills so we have no way of communicating with it anymore than one could comunicate with a slug.

Clovis on the other hand is a fully formed 5 year old who can express wants and needs. He is mute but he can thought speek. He is a bright little button.

Our partners reaction was one of anger and revulsion and when they heard that clovis was no longer a baby they said "well I guess its pointless wishing him away". Which was so triggering and reminded us of when our dad found the kitten we had been nursing for several weeks and said "that's gonna be to big to flush down the loo".

We asked why they were so against clovis when they were actively pushing for us to interact with the mound. They said " kids are pointless" I realy feel for their system little right now.

Today I gotten to play PlayStation and cudel likydog an that is extra nice cosn usually when the bigs have big nasty fings hapnin they forget i need time front to cuddle lickydog but today even tho a big bad thing happened they still remembered it bin ages since I had time to have a cuddle wif lickydog.

We're glad you got to do that, Peter.

Hey Eli

I shouldn't curse but ********** (self-censorship for the win). That wasn't very nice of your partner! Maybe your partner had an alter fronting who doesn't get along with kids? Either way, I recognise that this must be very challenging and confusing, especially when your partner seemed to be so supportive before.

Well, it's a good thing you're here on this forum so you and your littles can have a safe space to be themselves at least.

Happy you got to play playstation and cuddle likydog, Peter! Good that they remembered despite everything. I hope you can keep on getting your fun times whenever you need them in the future.

Take care!

~ Grey / Knight

Hi grey/Knight

Yeah there is one alter that has close to a phobia for young kids, they get very jumpy around them. They can't stand the loud noises, the dirt the unpredictableness.

I suppose we hadn't realised that hatred/fear of children would translate to littles.

Its not so much our littles we are concerned with because they can just avoid said alter its their little that we feel for. We hope they have somewhere safe inside.

Ever since we started high-school there has been a face or more correctly half a face that haunted every sketch we ever did. It would always peak round the corner of something.

Every so often we would try to draw the face itself but we could never get any further. It was always half a face that looked like noone we recognised but was most definitely pleading for help.

During therapy our T suggested that the face represented us and our feelings of hopelessness, that it looked nothing like us was a side effect of our face blindness...

Last week we were at the art gallery and while we were sat amongst the tryptics and religious art we felt "inspired" to draw.

It was the same half face but this time we were able to finish it, still we didn't recognise it. The pencil wouldn't stop moving though and soon we had the person behind the face. A gaunt old lady wearing pearls clutching the young boy posesivly by the shoulder.

All of a sudden we realised who we have been drawing all these years. A whole truck load of memories gut punched us. It was jojo and nona. Jojo was effectively best friend to someone in the system and nona was his uber religious grandmother.

I don't know which little these memories belong to and they are very happy memories so at first we couldn't work out why they had been discociated but I think I know. Jojo was terrified of nona. With the same terror we had about our church elders. I wonder if either we picked up on the religious abuse subconsciously or if he told us one day and everything got retconed because we felt guilty about not spotting it and/or being powerless to help.

Either way I'm glad the littles have their nice memories back.