To be or not to be (a journey thread)

It was going to happen because they were in their 90s

The person that facilitated the abuse that caused our did died this week. Littles are grieving big time but too many of us are just angry. Want to be there for my dad but the family political shitstorm made it clear im not wanted.

On the outside we look cold like we couldn't care less.

People are going to expect us to greive but the parts that need to grieve are the parts that noone accepts. So all that's left for public consumption is either anger or numbness.

How do you compassionately deal with a part that is grieving an abuser? I don't want them exposed to the abusive memories I hold, i can't sit and listen to "he was soo nice" without being triggered. They are so alone and hurt and I don't know how to cope with this.

It is ok to be sad when something is gone forever, even when this something was a bad one we grew used to seeing around.

It's okay to mourn the few not-so-bad moments while acknowledging the rest of the time was bullshirt. Though it's super difficult to do when you have DID, because the dissociation is here, among other things, due to the difficulties to feel both these things at the same time, the "sometimes they were nice" and the "sometimes they were abusers".

The blog "Discussing dissociation" has an article from june 2009 about what happens when an abuser dies and how to cope. I am not linking it directly coz part of the website is advertisement for products they sell. The article I am talking about is free to read (once you close all the adds windows). Hope this helps a bit.

Thanks

Spent most of the day feeling gas lit and half crazy. On the surface it looked like a normal loving church service. Yet we were discociating rapid switching, triggered as ###$ , our dad was hyperventilating so bad he sounded like a woman in labour and our partner was like "what was that about, it seemed like the sort of thing you'd get at any church."

And I was so confused because I couldn't articulate why. I had started the day expecting to have to prove our worth, to be interrogated as to weather we were pure enough to attend but nothing happened.

I started to doubt our memories. Maybe the cult had always been loving and accepting maybe we were broken and mistook a healthy concern for our soul as coercion and emotional abuse because we wanted worldly things and actually if we had been satisfied with what the cult provided we would be happy, maybe we were the bad guy of our childhood.

It was only when we got home and were able to comunicate in a safe space that I saw what we saw.

Listing them now so if we doubt our recollection in the future we can look at this.

1) the funeral didn't take place in the cult Hall it took place in another denominations church therefore the presence of unbelievers couldn't defile the hall.
2) the hall was dived into 2 the side we sat on was a hodge podge of people the opposite side was the uniformity of active cult members only my grandma and 3 cousins were allowed to sit on that side.
3) whenever the elder who had been introduced to all of us on arrival mentioned family he only looked at the 3 on the cult side of the hall
4) it didn't matter that there were "worldly unbelievers " because a mental block was inplace noone from the saved side even looked in our direction. We didn't exist.
5) except for the kids, our kids, cousins kids any kid around 10-12 years old got a LOT of attention. But in a grilling, tell me what the elder said, did you listen, you must remember type of attention.
6) every other sentence was followed with "how many of you can say in your heart and soul that you know you are saved" or " x was 10 when he was born again in christ what a wonderful age to be"
7) 5 elders all competed for the honour of speaking, each outdoing the next , there was fist waving, bible shaking, actual foaming at the mouth.

In short today was a pleasantish on the surface superficially welcoming service because they wanted to get to the children, children who arnt old enough yet to be told why mum/dad left the cult, a service designed to make them feel special for being at "that most precious age" and yet just enough low level anxiety about their soul that they might be tempted to join. The insidious nature of it. They know there is no other time that us outcasts would come near the cult. And if a kid did join all of a sudden they would be lovebombed by a cult aunt/uncle until the kid was old enough to take themselves to church regardless of parent protestations.

Grown ass men and women donot have fight or flight responses triggered by loving churches.
Our abuse was real.
No mater how they try to disguise it the separation between cult and non cult is still there.

Abusive cults never look abusive to the outsider. They know how to disguise themselves, because this is how they attract new members and keep old ones. Coertion and gaslighting.

Your past suffering is real. It does not matter if they wanted to hurt you or not, if they accidentally hurt you or purposefully did it, you did suffer and this is all that matters.

Your pain is heard. Your triggers are seen. I see you. Sending tons of moral support your way.

Thanks arbremonde.
Logically we know it was abusive, csa and pa are non negotiable. We went on a survivers of this cult forum last night to confirm it is a cult thing because that's how they get you, after you've been out a while and you try to explain to folk why you are terrified of this "loving" cult who do all these good works in the community (soup kitchens etc).

outsiders refuse to believe that what you went through was part of the cult belief system, it must have just been one bad apple. The abuse you describe doesn't match the public image don't tarnish the whole cult with the actions of a few abusers that "happen" to be cult.

Dad and I swapped stories about the pa (he doesn't know about the csa) just to confirm that grandad was the man we remember but it still didn't shake the one bad apple doubt that had started worming its way in.

Survivors forums are essential to staying out I think. I spent the night watching testimonies from cult members who escaped from Australia America UK Jamaica Africa they all had similar tales of pa or csa dressed up as religious duty. Then the emotional coercive stuff to keep you in. The psychological abuse when you start to question the cult.

Thanks for your support. Hope you are doing OK.

Today I finally met who my stepgran realy is. It is the first time we have met since my grandfather passed and the first time she has been able to express herself without censorship or fear. She is the most sweet and wonderful woman, she shared memories of my grandmother that suggest that she and my grandmother had been friends long before she married my grandfather. She is so intelligent and witty and it makes me cry that this wonderful woman was reduced to a mousey puppet for so long. The hug she gave me was so full of love.

I am so happy, this is the love and acceptance we should have had as a child. I can't wait for our next visit, we will most certainly be blending with the littles this is the sort of grandma time they should have had from the start.

That sounds wonderful. So happy for you.

We gots new peoples! We gots clovis what lives wif elspeth in the quiet place an we gots the mountin lady whot not told us her name yet. But she likes stretchin an a silly song what I nots rememberin right now. Me an shadow an clovis whent to the badminton place wif the chips an I played badminton realy well an the chips had fun wif me and it was good to be fronting.

An the irl kid has gots a new game called fallout its like sims but if sims was in mad max times. I bin blending wif the bigs so I can play fallout wif the irl kid

Hi everybody, We havent posted for a while. There were 3 or 4 of us at the time and now there are 17 of us counting our puppy. Went to our doctor about a year ago and told him we thought we had DID. Sent us to a neurologist who asked what we are there for and we told him and he said whats that.
To make a long story short we have seen two neurologist, had mri, eeg, cognitive testing and nothing is showing up that they can see. They have sent me to a psychiatrist which we are seeing in a couple of days. We have found a therapist that deals with DID and hope to see her next week. Hard to find anyone in this area that knows what it is. We don't know if we should reveal everything that is going on with us because there is a lot. Mostly good but we do have our moments. We are really nervous. Any advice? Sorry we havent been around for a while. Tracy misses everyone on the kids forum. I am crazy about David and I think that he is crazy about me too. I always try to tell everyone I love them everyday. Sorry for the long message. Love you all, Cherylann