More validation of trauma *TW*

That really stinks. It isn't right how people who are supposed to protect us, especially at such young ages, don't and others turn away. Hurts. Happy your system is still here. Your system parts are very strong.

KalliopePS wrote:That really stinks. It isn't right how people who are supposed to protect us, especially at such young ages, don't and others turn away. Hurts. Happy your system is still here. Your system parts are very strong.

Yeah. It sucks later to look back and be coping with and realizing that that has been our reality.

Yeah. It sucks later to look back and be coping with and realizing that that has been our reality.

I am dealing with this now. (trying real hard to anyways) I get triggered super easily. And my system is in full rolodex mode. It isn't the first time I made an attempt at it. I just seem to dissociate or switch when it starts to hurt too much or we start flooding memories.. All system parts feel broken, me(Kalli) included.

I understand this at least from my own perspective anyway.

Hugs

I get it.

You have validation of your trauma and also validation that there is something terribly wrong with your parents, that they were so oblivious, so in denial. Did they (do they now?) dissociate? Was there alcohol or drug abuse? Are they war refugees? Were they too victims of abuse? Just as child abuse begets child abuse, damage begets damage.

I was damaged because my parents were damaged because their parents were damaged. I hope that my diagnosis and treatment came early enough, and I have been vigilant enough, that I have stopped the cycle of abuse in my own family. That has included strictly supervising contact with the family of origin.

Have you done thorough safety planning for your family? If something happens to you and/or your wife, will your children be safe from your family of origin?

Una+ wrote:I get it.

You have validation of your trauma and also validation that there is something terribly wrong with your parents, that they were so oblivious, so in denial. Did they (do they now?) dissociate? Was there alcohol or drug abuse? Are they war refugees? Were they too victims of abuse? Just as child abuse begets child abuse, damage begets damage.

I was damaged because my parents were damaged because their parents were damaged. I hope that my diagnosis and treatment came early enough, and I have been vigilant enough, that I have stopped the cycle of abuse in my own family. That has included strictly supervising contact with the family of origin.

Have you done thorough safety planning for your family? If something happens to you and/or your wife, will your children be safe from your family of origin?

---TRIGGER WARNINGS THROUGHOUT- Mention of Traumas of many sorts, without details.---

War or refugees? No. Dad was military but only in a "combat adjacent" zone once, for a year - the year he basically "ran" halfway around the world to get us out of CA and away from problems there and when Mom was starving herself to death essentially leaving my brother and I to fend for ourselves, care for her, and mind the house...

Abuse? Yes. Both of them. Mostly emotional/neglect for Dad (though he mostly tries to deny it happened, we KNOW it did as he's admitted it at times) and Mom was raised in a VERY abusive home with physical, emotional, and sexual trauma... causing her to be anorexic and have lots of abuse-related issues.

Did THEY do it to us? Not directly, not that ANY of us remember or know of... BUT mom KNEW the uncle was a pedo (he'd touched HER and younger sisters before he married her older sister) when he and our aunt came to live with us, when they left him alone to babysit us...

And that cycle of damage exists, too- my grandmother (both sides) had it really hard, one leaving home at 14-15 marrying at 16 b/c of that and no options... into a bad relationship that lasted years and ended in a hard and bitter divorce (dad's side); mom's side her dad was sick (cancer) and on and off at work, she was young and from an abusive home, they were catholic so Mom is middle of TWELVE kids... and all the abuse that comes along with that stress, that emotional abuse, and the power games older sibs play (including sexual abuse) on littler kids to have "power" and emulate what they suffer. ALL OF THAT.

Later, after we moved to Japan and away from pervert & foot crushing uncle... that's when Dad got to drinking, mom being away a lot to avoid that, them fighting etc...

So yes, on A LOT of what you asked about.

My wife and I don't have kids. The blackouts, inconsistancies, and her general loathing of anything feminine (like having kids) ensured that... which given the mess, probably just as well... however, now we have niece & nephew living with us b/c HER sister is falling apart and is basically a loser... drinking, drugs, etc... over and over and over. Third serious "crash" we're on now...
As for "safety plan"... didn't know we NEEDED one until lately and her unwillingness to even talk about these things makes that hard. Her unwillingness to work WITH us, as a system, on this makes that hard, too.
And as we have no kids, even if something happened to us, the niece and nephew would go with one of their sets of grandparents most likely. They wouldn't go to my family even if that were a legal option. I would NEVER allow that- by that I mean we'd have emergency guardians in place to ensure it didn't happen.