What happened to us

Allcoulors wrote:Im sorry but if you go on reacting like this as a system you will not learn antything. Its clear you dont even want to. Your manipulating and telling people what to do. Thats not ok. Im not ok with that and i can react where and when i want to. This is a public forum. If you dont like the reactions then dont open a topic.
Una is trying to make you reflect on boudries and relationships, she has very good points. Dont treat her like you do because you dont agree.

We are a system and we work as a system.

What do you find manipulating?

It is true, that I am not willing to learn anything about this from Una+, non of us are, because we do not share her ethics. They're VERY far from ours. We genuinely think people are only responsible of their own actions and that it is a violation to tell Trigger warning, mentioning SA for example a victim of rape that it was their fault it happened, they should've just had boundaries that couldn't have been crossed that way, so blame is not the rapers but their own. Trigger warning ends To us it is disgusting someone tries to sell that idea in a trauma forum and we are allowed to react to it.

Do not defend your right to react and try to take it away from us. Either non has that right, or all have it.

There are also huge double standards there, but we decided not to start fighting about them with a person whose ethics are so far from ours. It is pointless. That's why do not comment the boundary subject. It gets more and more disturbing to think someone can blame victims just like it's nothing.
We actually tried to make a conversation and asked questions to understand what she meant, but instead of having a dialogue or reacting to things that questions her theory with explaining it, she chose to just repeat who is to blame. That is not a conversation, that is feeding an agenda. And like told, we don't do yes-no conversations, they don't lead anywhere. That is pointless fighting, and in the end it is about someone wanting to have it their way. But this is our life.

What she said about HOW to keep boundaries, we do agree like told. And that is how we also behave. Including towards her. But the way we first understood blaming the victim turned out to be true, not just us getting triggered and misunderstanding what was hidden between the lines, and that is why we are allowed to not read her messages anymore, ever if choose to.

There are real authorities, laws etc. to prevent the world being like claimed it is.

I wanna believe you know many reasons why someone can be unable to defend themselves. For example not running fast enough or not being physically strong enough to win the fight. In those situation the one who can outrun you can decide to not listen to your No, and in my opinion, that is a criminal act, not your failure with boundaries. If in your mind that gives other people free rights to violate you, then our ethics are very different from yours, too, and I am also sorry for you.

Repeating this will not change anything. I would've thought these kind of things are understood in a place like this, but clearly they are not.

I do not have to submit to any people who attack me. Not to a T, not to Una, not to you. I do have right to feel, be vulnerable without anyone taking advantage of it and defend myself and be defended.

We went to therapy for reasons Gangs told as an example in their latest message. They make a very valid point that totally explains why Una is not right in our opinion either. It is not just a therapists right to suddenly violate someone who pays for them for support. And that she did that is not our fault but hers. She owns apology, I don't have to apologize T because of not controlling her emotions well enough. That kind of thought is just ridiculous to us.

People: If you don't like us, just stop reading our messages instead of coming to fight. That would be an adult thing to do. It IS as simple as that.

Why making your own thread about the boundary issue is so hard, if you wanna talk about it, you have to ruin the thread I made as an attempt to stop being self destructive? I do not understand, but do not answer. It's gonna be something that I do not wanna know other people can think about me. Just like I don't wanna know how awful things Una thinks about me. That's why I don't deal with her. I do not have to stand and listen to someone blaming me for other peoples behavior.

Flor&Sami

Forgot to say: it's always been an unwritten rule that diary type of threads are personal, and that people do not go to them to attack the one whose thread it is, go there to make their own topics or otherwise violate the diary. It is different from a thread that's been started to ask a question or hear opinions of other people's about something. You can decide not to respect it, but you're then choosing to do something that isn't done to other people in this forum.

I've made that mistake once, someone wrote about something that interested me as a subject and I went in and questioned their opinion to start a conversation. They got upset, I apologized, explained I didn't know it was personal or written to have support and my intention was not to hurt. I just liked to talk about it. And I left. And I am still sorry I hurt them.

That's why asking to stop talking about things that prevent this thread to be what it was started for is not a mean way to try to control. We'd never do it in any other type of thread. This one was supposed to be mine and for support. And I don't wanna be left alone, but I can see there's just two ways, being attacked or being alone.

I can not talk about things that hurt in here, with all the aggression and negativity. There are parts really scared and sad blaming themselves and wanting to do bad things to the body. I don't know why I thought this could go well. I've never succeeded in having help, there was no reason to think this time is different. I just don't know what is so different in me people dislike me so much.

I don't know if you've ever been in anorectic weight, but it's really hard to think when there's no energy.

What makes me most sad is our little, who's been waiting for his friend to come to littles thread and soon they can come. But it's clear we can not let littles into this forum. We can not protect them, we can not add everyone as a foe or guess who's gonna be next one getting angry and where.

There's no point in writing this, it would just give more weapons to use against us.

Flor & Sami,

I really wanted to hear the whole story of what happened with you and the T, and we feel upset that this whole thread has been hijacked with what we feel is a misguided and somewhat irrelevant lecture about boundaries.

You didn't make a topic about boundaries--that would be a different discussion, and of course if you were asking for advice about boundaries, or about how you might have responded differently to the T, then it wouldn't be surprising to receive different perspectives about that, which you might or might not agree with.

Allcoulors wrote:Una is trying to make you reflect on boudries and relationships, she has very good points.

What gives Una the right to "make" SystemFlo reflect on "boundaries and relationships?" She's not asking for people's opinions on that. I thought that she was using this thread to help her process what happened with the T--to put it down in writing and maybe get some input about the T's role in all of this. Especially because the T told her not to tell anyone what happened.

Flor, I guess you can continue on in this thread with the rest of the story if you still want to (I would really like to hear it), or you can make a new thread and put in the posts you've made so far that tell the story and leave out all the sidetracks, or give up on us altogether (that would make us sad, but of course you have the right to do that).

There's probably some other option I didn't think of, but anyway, I'm sorry that things have devolved to this level because of some people's assumption that the only people who attend therapy are those who already know how to have healthy boundaries and relationships, and who feel like it's ok to tell you what you could have or should have done differently with the T, when what I think one of the things you want help with is knowing what SHE should have done differently.

Im not saying she has to do something with the information or advice. Just saying that you do not have to put anyone down or telling them off because you do not agree.
And no, its not that i think therapy is for people who already know about boundries. I do think that also with did there is always a responsibility of our own no matter the trauma. We are grown ups now and can reflect on ourselves and teach ourselves how things are normaly done.
I will not write here anymore so the thread can go on topic again.

Allcoulors wrote:Your manipulating ...

There was a reason why we asked Una what T's boundary we crossed in her opinion and there's a point why you were asked what did you find manipulating. It's not to question that, but to get to know. If you said it without thinking, let's forget it, I'm not that sensitive I'd find it disturbing. If you saw manipulation, what and where?

People are to be hold accountable for their own actions. That applies to us also. I don't find things I said manipulative, I had a point and I chose to say it the way it will be understood without repeating. Being fair is important, I'm in this world to defend those who can't defend themselves. If you have a point I wanna know.

Gangs, Flor will process and come back to you later. Thanks.

Sami

My sister told me I wasn't allowed to react to her actions and words yesterday. She told me I was self absorbed and childish to react to things she said and did. Then she said she had a right to do and say those things because she has a right to control my life. I decided I'll stop having anything to do with her again. I didn't speak to her for six years, I talked to her for 3 months and she already did and said unacceptable things, then told me i can't react to them and that she's allowed to dictate my life.

I believe you are allowed to react to people's words and actions. You are also allowed to simply walk away. It's a choice.