Lost, Confused, Stuck - how do you live?

Hello,

I haven’t been on the forum for a while. I have to say that the encouragement and support I received here pushed me to seek a diagnosis. So thank you to those that made the effort to respond to my questions and validating my experiences. It’s invaluable. I have officially been diagnosed with DID as well as BPD although I know I have CPTSD and possibly another personality disorder. Anyway, I was expecting to be diagnosed but I still felt shock and denial. It sort of puts everything into perspective and I think now that there is a strong possibility that I am polyfragmented. I actually know I am but at the same time deny that I am. But the question remains - how do I face the world being DID as I feel like when I have disclosed the truth, I am judged and misunderstood. How do people live, hold romantic relationships and have children with the knowledge they are DID - I feel like I cannot accept myself as the world does not accept me as I am... it’s silly but I just feel like my entire life has changed and I had lived a lie before the diagnosis.

Welcome back, and congratudolences.

I have been there; so has almost everyone else posting here.

I live the same as before. You too will live the same as before, unless you decide to live better.

Thinking that you were or are living a lie often reflects a kind of anxiety called impostor syndrome. Psychotherapy can help you with that.

Did I ever think I lived a lie before diagnosis? I don't remember that, so probably not. What I do remember thinking, again and again, is:

• Why was I so oblivious?!
• Am I imagining everything? (No, and if I were that would be a bigger reason to worry.)
• Why did I ignore the symptoms?
• Why were those other people so indifferent, unconcerned, oblivious when I described symptoms to them?

And then I realized we were the same: just ordinary people who didn't know what to make of it so made nothing of it. And I realized there was not all that much cause for concern because my life was going well enough.

Could my life have been better? Maybe. Different? Of course! But different is not better. Here is an example: I could do without the experiences of "coming to" in some yucky situation, but on the other hand I am spared all memory of those yucky situations developing. There have been other times where I did experience a situation developing and in a lot of ways it was yuckier than coming to, because there was all the added uncertainty and fear and second-guessing. Is this going to be as yucky as I think it is? But then I wonder how it was for the part of me that was present. Was it awful? Probably yes. So I am grateful to have diagnosis and insight and treatment.

Now the DID label and the BPD label: they do scare a lot of people, mostly silly people who imagine they're okay and now you're not. So don't use it. Or use it and let their negative reaction help you filter them out of your life and make room for new people who are more psychologically aware.

You don't have to tell everyone your diagnosis. It merely names what has been there all along. It is not an emergency, doesn't require you to radically change your life by leaving your job or moving far away. As status changes go, receiving a diagnosis of a lifelong pre-existing condition is pretty minor.

Are you safe? That's the most important question right now.

Hi UnknownUnseen,

I think you should listen to Una - she's really smart.

The deal is you're already living with DID so you can just go on living. Telling people is optional. We don't tell people about our DID because it's none of their business. They need to get to know who we are - not who they think we are because of some stupid movies or stuff. The deal is - There is nothing wrong with you - You are not broken - You are good and real and powerful. DID doesn't change that.

Iain