I'm new here and just want someone to listen

The first thing is that I got an appointment with a senior trauma psychologist in three weeks yay, though she's not a did specialist. I realised that my mind seems to be stuck in 2015 when I was 18, although it recognises that time has passed and that's just really confusing :/

Hmm that's a good point Theia, I've been trying to work it out but maybe I shouldn't and just recognise my symptoms as valid take it slowly when my mind feels its ready to. I think my problem is that if I wasn't traumatised as a child I feel like my experiences can't be valid because I'm not "normal". But it is true that I basically don't have any memories of my childhood. I've been trying to examine what I do and don't remember and it's really scary because I remember I don't really have many memories at all, unless you count vague factual information as memory. But others seem to talk about visual minds eye type detailed things that happen and it's like..how?

Ooh I didn't consider normalised forms of emotional harm. Mm maybe I was under the impression that only like really bad forms of it could be damaging. Now I think about it my siblings don't show their emotions and I don't have a bond with my parents where I would share my feelings with them. Mm I'm fairly sure they were supportive, based on how they are now. I guess the only thingI know about the way things were in my childhood is that I have always had an anxious/avoidant type personality and I guess that comes from somewhere.

What kind of things do you all put in your journal and how do you go about it? I feel like I'm mixed a lot so it's difficult for me to express myself and the different parts of me so I don't really know how to go about it.

For what you might put into a journal, the best start is getting one, opening it up, and start writing. Your first sentence can even be something like "well, here I am starting my journal, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to write..." I've started a few journals like that in my life. It can be an online journal too obviously, most of my journaling is now electronic unless I'm somewhere with a paper and pen but nothing else, or if I just don't have time to wait until my laptop boots up.

WaterSelkie wrote:I think my problem is that if I wasn't traumatised as a child I feel like my experiences can't be valid because I'm not "normal". But it is true that I basically don't have any memories of my childhood. I've been trying to examine what I do and don't remember and it's really scary because I remember I don't really have many memories at all, unless you count vague factual information as memory. But others seem to talk about visual minds eye type detailed things that happen and it's like..how?

Just sayin' but this -- and other parts of what you've written -- sound very familiar to the words of many others who have posted on this board (and I've been around 9+ yrs). Except in the case of brain injury or disease, it is absolutely not normal to have no real memories of one's childhood.

I too, and many others here, have sort of factual accounts of events. My own mind has put together images that match certain childhood events, but often those images don't match actual memories once I recall them, that is, the images had been constructed rather than remembered.

WaterSelkie wrote:
That I really don't have any identity and my personality changes when exposed to certain situations or people. It confused me cause my symptoms seem like OSDD but like...the worst stress in my childhood from when I was really little was being really avoidant due to social situations and dissociating/avoiding everything till I could get back to my parents where everything was safe.

Other than that, I'm pretty quiet and serious. Can't deal with socialising and tends to self-isolate (if the others would let me stay quiet :s).

Social: activates in every single face to face social situation without fail. holds everyone at arms length away, good at speaking and doing things in public.


The social one has completely taken control of me but only really in situations with lots of people

Hi

I've copied these particular sentences because our deepest inner self identifies with alot of it from their memories of childhood.

For us the avoidance and social difficulties are due to Autism. The trauma coming from other people that is remembered was bullying from school, every thing we said or did (as ourselves) been made fun of and always been told to 'be more like x {insert name of 'normal' child/person}'

Also as a child with autism most of the world was simply terrifying because we could not process sensory information properly. Apparently I was hospitalised alot in early childhood due to other medical conditions too. There's no memory beyond 7 and I have always hated physical contact.

so although I have no memories of experiencing 'traumatic physical assault' as a child by family memories (though do remember being punched by other kids at school) just having to deal with the outside world is 'traumatic' for me! I still often feel like an alien left on another planet with no understanding of 'how humans work' and feel happier in my own company with just animals (real not alters) so have been loving lockdown with no social expectation to perform or entertain.

I even went as far as telling those I felt I needed a break from that I had to 'shield' so can have no face to face contact and can't let them in to visit. It's felt like a welcome break from being forced to deal with the outside world tbh! Personally I'm looking forwards to a long winter lockdown I'm feeling more and more like 'myself', the longer I can go without another alter having to take over to deal with social stuff.

SS

oOo I second what SS said. Not everybody has the same sensitivities to the same events. Some can go through one event completely fine while for others, the same event will be a life-long trauma.

oOo Just like you cannot say "I cannot be having this medical reaction to cats because most people are not allergic to cats" - you cannot say "The childhood I had cannot be traumatic". The "trauma" depends on how you reacted to the events. It does not depend solely on the events.

oOo Hope this helped you figure things out.

--

van H.