Hi, and my journey thread

That sound like good progress!

Also, about the issues with your therapist. You could print out that post, from Thursday, and give it to him to read. We do that sometimes with posts, because we express ourselves more clearly when we're writing to people on the forum instead of being held back by thinking that we're telling those things directly to the T.

Thank you TheGangsAllHere. That also sounds like good advice. i think i reacted at the time, so i hope it did come across.
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the good news the T didn't do anything that i remember that was invalidating or triggering this last time. so that was good.
had gone super blank this time though, communication felt very broken down, still can't take notes, i got a paper out to take notes but went blank again, but then i did find I can draw pictures, and a part or parts did draw some pictures. so that may be something.

Hello SpinningTops!

What you describe sound a lot like some of the things we read in Janina Fisher's "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors". So maybe having a look at this book coud help you?

At least you managed to find ways of expression through drawing, it's a huge step forwards! Good job!
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The Mirror.

oh man had a terrible ugly cry. my husband was very kind and supportive though. i am a bit drunk now, which i rarely drink, but have just been having some more trouble dealing with my emotions then usual. but i contacted a psychiatrist and am thinkign of going on some kind of anti depressants to help with the day to day stuff.

anyways i realized that i have been carrying a lot of intense shame in relation to my work (or lack there of) because some part of me has been clinging to the idea 'of my family getting back together and being perfect,' somehow after all this time,,, i realized this part was still wanting and holding on to this... and yea... i don't know what to say. my dad's basically nearly catatonic mentally right now.. and um, yeah, my mom is someone with a lifetime of abuse to me. can't i make another dream now... hopefully now this is uncovered i can start to..

but the thought was, if i just get the most perfect job, somehow everything will go back to normal?! WtH But yeah some part just was certain Certain of this, and I have spent ALL this time on this!!! I cannot tell you, I think this is such a huge revolution though.. and how badly I need to learn to just learn to live my life in the present and that i can't solve my parents problems.. and i just feel so hollow thinking of this..

Healing is a path that goes through grief. We need to mourn the life we never had, the life we will never have, and once this time of mourning is over, we can focus on doing the best that can be done now.

Take your time. Grief is a normal and important step in healing.
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David.

therapist left suddenly with basically no notice. what happened was i had cancelled an appointment cause of sickness in the house hold. then when things were better I tried to reschedule and they said it would be a month till they had an opening. which the way things turned out, would equal almost 2 months between times of seeing them. and they gave no reason or anything. but i said okay and just asked if when the month happened if we could resume the bi-weekly times we had, and they said okay.
the month passes, and a day before our appointment he says he's sick and has to cancel but will update in a couple days/schedule, (he tells me on Wedsnesday he'd know by Saturday. But he doesn't. it's almost two weeks before he contacts me and makes an appointment. At that point I just feel complete doubt in him and say I cannot trust him at this point and cannot make that appointment.
I mean it could be legit, but I just got the feeling I was just getting the run around from him. Which I have pretty big issues with rejection, and avoid social situations that I feel rejection is a possibility (as he knows), and so this all felt cruel and somewhat intentional. I don't know. anyways, it's been hard cause in the end, the result is I lost my therapist with like no notice.
Also my dad passed away a couple weeks ago. Whom I devoted my love and attention in the last year caring for him. Giving him like everything I had. And no matter what I did it still hurt so much, been just feeling sad and numb since. Like I just can't believe he's not here. (I was so numb during the year processing these things was pretty much impossible). And now I just don't know. Meanwhile my abusive mother fricking talked $#%^ about him like immediately. (like my husband was just asking her what she wanted to be put in the obituary) (fortunately to my husband and not to me, but it still makes me totally PO). she abused him and me all our lives, over nothing often, and i am the one who cared for him and still she has the nerve to talk $#%^ about him days after he's gone.. Anyways otherwise I have been okay, just taking things one day at a time and trying to be healthy.

I'm sorry for the loss of your father, and it's awful that you had to lose your therapist at the same time. Had you seen your T for a long time? If there's an established relationship, stuff like that can usually be worked out, and the T can apologize and explain what happened. But if you hadn't known him for very long, then it's hard to get past ruptures like that.

And it sounds like a lot of stuff has been rough lately. I hope things improve for you.

Thank you very much. @TheGangsAllHere I appreciate so much your comment. It has been rough for sure.
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I am doing a little better now. It's been almost a month since my dad passed on now. and i am moving on from the therapist except when i get to feeling bad i think even the therapist left, sort of feelings, but i try not to think like that.
i got a rev share job for a game, it's like a job, but i get paid if the game finishes and makes money. which is iffy, but i am glad i am working on something nontheless! yay! and i have been super busy with that. it's keeping me busy which is pretty good for me. the only downside is I am not having as much time for personal learning.
i think the hard part of my dad passing is i keep getting flashbacks now of various things and i have to figure out how to frame my life now. it is really weird. some part of me didn't think he'd die for a long time from now and it just is shocking. and like people sometimes talk to us, like family did try to give their condolences, but we just felt too numb also social anxiety symptoms have increased so much over the years we can barely manage to see any of our family let alone connect with them. and it's sad cause i mourn that. i think they would like to see me but it all is just too hard.
i feel like i have put wooden boards over my house and everyone i knew or could know except in just a couple online spaces is blocked out. i don't know how to take them down anymore. maybe when things get sad again i will try to get another therapist. money is a bit tight this year, so i will wait for that.
sorry, long post. i am kind of looking forward to winter a bit. i want to see the snow. so far there has been no snow where i am. we'll see. then maybe i will make a snow man and a snow angel and such and that will be fun. Thanks.

argh feeling blah. i looked a bit online for a new therapist and found one that may work, but gonna wait till the new year as money is just too tight at this time. also got to remember to make some appointments that i've been forgetting. today it hit me that i felt lonely. so yeah. also i played a game yesterday, and it was fun.
today was a bit stressful. calls and looking through paper work, but yeah. am okay for the most part. anyways that is all.

edit* oh i just remembered a song that i like that i think is uplifting is Lost by Amanda Palmer. it's about how even when we feel lost it ends up being okay. it's really nice
"Nothing's ever lost forever, it's just caught inside the cushions of your couch and when you find it you'll have such a nice surprise"

i have been noticing something i do when losing time is listening to the same song over and over for a long time. i didn't think about it before, but it's another way i lose time. the repetition of it kind of is a vehicle for not being very present. um. the reason i think i didnt put htis together is i just assume as long as i am getting some work done that it's fine, i'm just taking breaks, but like i see now when it stretches a long time, and i just feel so exhausted and out of it, that that's something different. um so christmas is extra hard this year cause i still feel just so tired from this last years stuff, even though all of that was months ago now, it's just like it takes me so long to recooperate, and i still have to keep things going, meet demands in my life. but anyways, it's like every step of getting ready for christmas seems so incredibly hard this year. i got out of going shopping today, and convinved my husband to do it this time. but some part of me thinks maybe it's too much and i just can't keep the normal christmas things going.. i'm just still so tired. anyways. i feel so weird and self conscious when i post here cause i start to think am i being weird, am i being too much, but i just am trying to ignore that and not make any feelings on it. i don't have any other online blog or place then this. it's all too hard to be vulnerable like that. so this is the place i feel safest right now. i know it's weird i don't talk about alters much. i just get embarrassed about that. but that is happening too. anyways that's all for today. bye