Hi, and my journey thread

hi the psychotic symptoms did go down and i am more or less better now in that regard.
grounding is a good idea thank you.
been a bit sad lately, trying to be caring with myself to get through it.

Glad it helped!

Baby steps! You can do it, little bit by little bit!

Thank you Arbre!

I realized I know a lot more about things inside then I thought. Things are complicated though, there are a lot of parts. i think i have at least 50, but a lot are blurry more the undefined type of DID. forget what its called though.
Even though I vaguely know some things other things I don't know.. Like I don't know when switches happen often, and it can be really subtle, people around me often don't know either.
um i feel sad at the moment. I realized that some of the old things I used to do to comfort the system or to function aren't working well anymore. and it brings up more pain to feel. but maybe that is good? idk.
but yeah.. am sad and lonely when i stop the flurry of activity sometimes. but .. other times i'm okay. i don't know that it is loneliness for something specific, its like a deep like bone loneliness that is not just, people aren't here though. :/ it's also realizing the lies i told myself to get through life and then how to cope after they get dismantled. i guess it will be okay though. i am strong and i have gotten through a lot. and i am proud of myself for that. so i will likely to find some way through it.

I used to have bags of those blurry fragments, therapy helped sorting them through by "thematics" or "vibes" which helped healing them because they turned out to be fragments of the same events or series of events. Dunno if this will turn out to be your structure tho.

Most switches are subtle, especially when your life becomes more stable and safe. The more stable and safe you are the more stubtle it becomes.

It's very bitter sweet - and more bitter than sweet - to just become aware of all the stuff we've been through, all the things we needed to do to survive, mourn the perfect childhood we will never have... It's sweet because when we finally feel the feels it helps them move on and heal but it's bitter because heck it hurts. And sometimes it hurts so much we need to ask the part to stand by until next therapy cession to manage it with the help of the therapist.

Healing is bittersweet with lots of mourning. But without the mourning we cannot "move on" for real, we just hide things under the rug and dissociate.

Wow thank you so much for that. That was beautiful. It warmed my heart! It does hurt so much. I do hope someday things will get better. Therapy feels like it moves slowly, but it is moving. <3

system is going into an isolation mode which sucks, we feel we don't fit anywhere again. also the therapist says we are being slow to open up to her too cause we I guess don't trust easily.. and can't really talk to her either cause we just don't trust her yet, and it is very hard to overcome that.
But anyways i just feel like i cant fit in and i just say things that make me look super weird. so anyways gonna just be focusing on doing stuff by myself for a little while and as i say, am sad about that. i haven't had to go through a big shutting away from others for a long while. and i hate when this happens cause i relaly like talking to people. it is very much hard on me. but at the same time, it is also that it is likely a partial shut down, where i may still be on places, but it may just be a lot of the system won't be there as they are deemed 'too embarrassing,' right now and as say a lot of internal sadness at this situation.

Fuuu the board ate my answer. Gotta type it again.

First, tons of support. I've had similar episodes in the past, it sucks all of Willy Wonka's factory production. That's how much it sucks.

Second, to explain a bit what might be the mecanism at play. This is something commonplace in complex trauma survivors. Some part/s want to get close and trust, other/s remember that "getting close" and "trusting" meant "getting hurt" in the past so they back the fork out. And for good safety measure, they want to completely isolate the whole system. No interaction, no problem.

But, no interaction, no help...

So it's a delicate balance to be found between the need to get close and trust and get help, and the need to stay away to be safe.

There are helpful explanations on how to manage by showing compassion to every part/alter, in the book "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors" by Janina Fisher. In case you cannot find it in the library and second-hand is still too expensive, you can find previews of the book on "Library Genesis" and similar platforms that start at the front cover and go all the way to the back cover. So you can start reading and working and healing long before you manage to gether the funds to buy the physical book.

Good luck and tons of support !

Thank you, I picked up the book and am going to go through it. I already started it and it is comforting already. I hope it helps me. Thank you so much for the suggestion and the beautiful message as well. I'm tearing up a bit cause you are always so nice. So thank you.

I don't know how long I went through that phase I wrote about before, as that was clearly a while ago. I'm not sure why but I struggle to come back here with much regularity, even though it is a nice place to be honest on.
But I am really struggling with control of myself. I again did something impulsive that I know now was maybe not good. I wrote a message to someone that was a bit weird and manic. And I do regret that I made this choice. I feel I must have lost control of myself for this to have happened. I wish I could trust someone better, so I would stop doing this, cause then maybe if i felt i could be open somewhere else maybe it wouldn't keep happening?. It is really hard. But am not gonna beat myself up over it. It happened but I will be okay. I will do better next time. I just need to remember it is just my mind trying to cope when i feel some bad things.
And i realize I feel i am struggling to care for myself enough, but I am still trying.
I do not trust anyone really at all, my therapist idk I get nervous if she finds out she will make me do something i don't want to do, i don't know if that is true or not but I worry. but am trying to be vulnerable if anything in more anonymous forums and I do feel it is helping. This message included.

One step at a time and you can do it

It took me a lot of time and effort to be able to trust people, too. The exercises about building trust inside between the parts/alters and the exercises about building the feeling of inner safety helped me tons. It can sound silly to do some of them at first but they really help.

I once again am between therapists. But i am doing a lot better then I was. My social anxiety issues have gone down a lot and I am volunteering 1 day a week at a local place. I was struggling with anger issues with my therapist that I had. I have had a certain amount of abuse with my partner which is deeply upsetting to me and she down plays it sadly.. Um it took me a long time to leave though cause I never left a therapist by choice before. But there was a really long break between appointments and then I got myself together enough to do so. But it's still super sad, um she apologized a bit, but it just already hurt a lot and was so hard to leave that I guess it is done. I hope I will find another but given where i live, it's probably not gonna be a DID therapist like they were. Idk though. But I will wait a bit for now and have a little time to just be for a while.
Otherwise I have been doing okay. I am working on being more like normalized socially. I have gotten better at taking cues from how others act and doing the same. (I went a loong period of time where I wasn't around peopel, so I wasn't sure how to be at first, but it's getting better.) A lot of my disassociation is way down too. Apparently it got really bad after prolonged caregiving and the stresses from that, but now that time has passed it;s been settling a lot.
I do a lot of things that are emotionally nurturing for me. I got soaps with a nice smell and got a couple things for the house so it feels more comfortable and I make sure now to give myself down time when I am working so that I can check in with myself.

Health wise a lot of my partners family is not doing well and we're seeing what will happen. I need to call my mom to see how she is doing, but it's hard, cause I struggle with getting really spacey when I think about trying to contact her. It takes a lot of grounding and stuff, but I need to make she is okay anyways.

I forget to come back here for long periods of time. I forget a lot of things still in more that long term way, like if it's something I think I ought to come back to in a week say, there's a good chance 6 months will pass and I will suddenly think of it.

-- Thu Mar 13, 2025 10:37 pm --

ooh yes Arbre I believe it does take a long time to trust. It's good to know that it get's better with baby steps.! Thank you.! I hope you are doing well. <3