Hi, and my journey thread

Thank you! Um we did move. I have been trying to just like be more or less happy, focus on the simple stuff and not get too bogged down with it. though today was hard. i got mad at our partner but i don't know exactly why. but it was upsetting. and i think he just ignored me when i was upset, but then i just tried to move on.
but anyways.. again just trying to be 'positive-ish.' um but the good thing is, that I did email a therapist today. I am really hoping they have space cause there are not many here that treat trauma based things.. that i saw.. but she does. so i am super hoping she has some spaces.. but anyways, i think this is a good step for me. also trying to stay positive about my trying to find work as well. and just like.. "keep at it." I made a good dinner tonight for everyone and was happy about that. there is no stove set up yet, so am using an electric skillet and microwave. I had not ever thought about not having a stove before and cooking.
Anyways staying positive seems really important for me cause I don't do that well otherwise. so that's what i am trying to do.

i applied to two more therapists today. The first one I applied to was not available, but i broke out and am trying again, so yay on that. That seems like a good step.
my husband has not been listening to me lately, and when I say something he doesn't like he changes the subject. i want to travel somewhere far away lately. I guess it's cause i just moved. I told him, and he changed the subject. But still I think about it. Just driving some place. Being in control of my own choices more. i think it could be nice.

Congratulations on managing to apply for therapists!

I hope that the communication issue with your husband will be solved soon. The earlier the better.

It's a really hard process to look for therapists, so good job!

Can you do some kind of outdoor activity by yourself that helps you feel far away? I don't know if you're near any beaches (at lakes or the ocean), or if there are places to go hiking or walking? Those kinds of things help us feel like we got away even if we really didn't go very far.

the other day my pet rabbit ended up with this situation where he got sauce on the carpet. not a lot. it got cleaned up okay, but then partner wanted more restrictions on the rabbit. at first relegating him to his cage only. he usually would get to run about freely in the house and sit where he wanted to. i got very sad, more so then I expected to. as he had to be alone all day in this cage. then he got this fence for him to be in later that evening. and I made a wall around my computer area so he could now also sit by me. But the original day as I say I felt very sad and hurt by this. We didn't even get a chance to try and correct the behavior that was a problem or find some better way to deal with it.
~
And anyways now that I have an area for him to be in I am feeling better, but I can hear an alter inside that is upset still, or something, but i don't feel anything except just sad for them how I would be for someone completely different than myself and not in a direct way at all. But yeah i can hear them crying in my head sometimes. ;/

So anyways this has been a weird experience that I had today around this. Though it was a warm day for the first time in a while and I got to go outside and so did the rabbit and that was nice! it's like the first day in weeks that it's not been really cold here.

Another weird thing is I have a mentorship now to work on art skills and went to a meeting today and they were talking a bit like Gary V or something about being motivated and training yourself to be very productive and I always find these attitudes rub me the wrong way. I didn't say anything about it. But it just doesn't take into account how everyone is really different and going through different htings. But anyways, i doubt he meant much by it. It's just how the art industry is. Just super competitive and hard on artists. I hope someday there will be a better more nurturing environment for like really all workers. this super work mentality is just not very healthy for people. ? idk.. just a work /student rant. but yeah when I say that to people i feel like a lot of times people just buckle down even harder into it. so idk. i guess it's just me somewhat.
But ok so one person on that group asked at one point what to do when dealing with grief and how to keep going and i thought the reply was just kind of cold and they just said that everyone goes through stuff and it's up to you to get through it or something. ick. ;/ anyways. that's okay. I love art and being an artist even though the atmosphere can be not exactly 'sensitive.'

I guess it sounds very um unaware to see a part hurt but not feel it. But I guess i think this is more aware cause it's like something I think has been going on but i just never really totally noticed it. So for me it is probably more aware? idk.

If the sauce got cleaned up ok so that the carpet wasn't ruined, and if this isn't something that has happened before or happened often, then why does your partner get to decide that the rabbit has to have more restrictions if it's your rabbit? That doesn't sound right at all. I don't see why you can't say that you'll try to correct the behavior and to give the rabbit another chance.

It's good that you're more aware of the feelings of other parts. Maybe you can show them that the rabbit is happy now, and doesn't have to stay in his cage all the time anymore and even got to go outside!

Yes--that sounds really insensitive on the part of people running the mentorship thing. Maybe you and the person who asked the question about grief, and some others would be interested in forming a little group to help provide some emotional support for each other?

i had some really nice dreams the last few days, bright colors, out in the open in a natural place, many nice people.
i was listening to a song that reminded me of my dad and i felt positively about him. i have been having scary memories but this was the first time in the last year or so i think where i can remember him how he was. and my inner alter that is him i think has been speaking up. idk.
i did a drive today, took my daughter to a doctor appointment. i was not expecting how far it was. so i was really nervous we'd be late, but they let us in and it went very well. i have some driving anxieties since we moved, but it was not so scary this time either. i am hoping this means that some of my fears are going down.
i had taken a break from working all yesterday cause i had been working a lot and i just felt i needed to do that. and when i did i felt just how tired i have been. i also felt this weird thing that happens occasionally to me, where i just feel like surrounded by internal people. it feels okay, just like there are so many there and they are with me. i think it was cause i was feeling a bit lonely too, and anyways also a bit disassociative as well. i just am super gentle with myself when this happens. also its why i can't always be socially active cause sometimes i feel less in control and don't want to say stuff i will regret, so it means waiting in my own places. so just also been taken things a bit slow too. but overall i think i am doing good.
i don't want to talk about the rabbit. but yeah he didn;t have a thing very long where he had done that. still sucked that he did but yeah. he does many things to help, that i just sort of have to deal with the sh*t i don't like, but he usually cuts it out pretty quick these days.

i posted an artwork i did that was very like working out something, and as i say posted it publicly. i'm embarrassed i did that, and then took it down later. i feel like i will forget this incident but that others maybe won't. it was a scary picture as i can sometimes draw when i am in this mental place.
i had gotten upset yesterday cause i was watching a live stream by someone and then the other person on the video with them was saying some really harassing stuff to the other person and i guess i didn't think how hearing that would effect me. but i ended up in a tranced out state for hours after.
my husband just got back from a trip and i am a bit sad cause i was liking the peace also a bit. but yeah this posting where i later regret it, i hate when this happens and i feel very out of control of myself and sad about having done this right now. so trying to calm down.
i also had this anger i had yesterday cause my computer program I was using was not working, and i had panicked a bit too. and yeah all this i think contributed. i hope i can feel better soon, more calm and in control.

i am trying to do a new practice. not sure if i wrote about it yet. but i guess trying to slow down a bit, not get too quick to react to my first instincts (which can be to panic) but it of course still happens.
but also i realize in a way I have betrayed myself in some of my life choices. and am somewhat paying for that. but also just trying to be happy still, trying to learn 'rest,' like truly not just cause i'm just exhausted. and then i watch too much youtube or tv, but genuinely taking moments to slow down and try and appreciate my life and not just sit in judgement of things.
it is truly a bit spooky to have so little friends and family and just the sense of everyone being gone is really dawning on me, and feels very weird and like what have i been doing all this time.? not that i regret losing that family. it was them who hurt me and I decided not to accept that anymore.. and that's okay. but like still lonely and i don't know how to combat that.
i did get out of the house this weekend. i made myself, and it was really good and fun, and i wish it wasn't so hard, so i could be normal somewhat.
but anyways, i also finally messaged another therapist ( i had one lined up in december but during the paperwork period i got scared and vanished.) this time though I am not gonna do that cause I am being open up front about this being hard and I won't try to go often at first. i will do it slower and I feel it will really work this time.
My prior therapist asked for an update and i gave one (it is hard to do that because so many parts have so many different thigns to say it truly is very hard..) so someone gave them an update .. and well we didn't hear back in a long time, but finally he did reply but we are sad cause we feel it maybe was cause he didn't like our update. But on the other hand we think maybe he was just busy like he said.
either way, it doesn't likely feel like we will feel confident enough to reach out again and that is something to mourn now. we were so happy to have found him that it did hurt a lot to lose a therapist after such a short itme. he believed us. and didn't fight with us like the one before and that was nice. also he was on our side and helpful with our relationship woes. and that felt so supportive with being alone carrying it all for so long. with the kids and trying to be tough for them. it's not been easy and then to have another loss,. was hard.
but yeah we are excited cautiously about a new one. and of course scared. i hope it will work out.