Hi, and my journey thread

The "going to sleep" ritual is actually a very smart way of feeling safe before sleeping, even though it's so time consuming.

With time and experience you will be able to find "short-cuts" through it.

Thank you. taking it one day at a time.
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Thanks, yeah, I am glad you think the sleep ritual isn't a weird thing. it helps. yeah usually it's not so long, but i guess on harder days it would be.

It's not even weird, it's even medically advised in books such as "Coping with trauma related dissociation" for the systems who have trouble falling asleep

You intuitively do things that are part of a healthy treatment plan. I guess it makes you awesome.

I have OCD, and we with obsessive-compulsive disorder like our little rituals... I didn't think your admission of such was particularly strange, either. If it works, don't break it.

Gonna only have I believe two more visits with my current therapist. it's really sad, but trying not to be too sad, but, it was just really nice because he believed me. my last therapist didn't and it was really upsetting. i wasn't trying to be believed or anything like that. i just wanted help with depression and stuff, but it was still great that it turned out he did believe me.. i am really sad i will have to go about getting another therapist. again.

Thanks everyone for saying it's okay to have a long routine to get to sleep. I feel less weird now <3

notice a lot of parts coming up lately.

there are really a lot of things i have not been writing about cause i guess it scares me to talk about some of the things. but i will say the move has made me realize a lot of things about my life. so i guess i will try to slowly find a way to talk about some of it maybe.
or not slowly? I don't know.
i have a lot of issues in my relationship. i guess i will start there.. so. slowly for now.

communication is hard sometimes, i think i wrote this in the past, but parts have been really trying to protect me and what that has been doing is making me forget things i might talk about, so that i don't say something i'll regret later.

i have a very powerful amount of social anxiety. and i am not sure where it stems from. but i avoid leaving the house often due to it.

also i believe my relationship has a very much a lot of gas lighting going on, but due to my mental issues there is very little i can do about it. i point it out and it just gets denied and dies down for a bit to come back. it's been going on our whole marriage which is over 10 years. i feel this also has aggravated my symptoms. but i am not strong enough to really do anything about it currently. so i just keep my head down mostly and keep going.

tonight i noticed i am feeling extra foggy. it is frustrating but i also know i will be okay. the move is getting closer and closer and i am sure that is making everything so much worse. our system is very mad at our husband right now cause we feel like he made us make this move we didn't want. it has hurt us very much. and we feel very out of control right now. we are gonna be okay though.

i am gonna play a game for a bit and then do the rest of my weekly homework. i hope when we do move we can find a good therapist for us that is understanding and nice.

my kids have been cheering me up, i mean no i don't ask them to cheer me up, but just seeing them, and interacting with them always makes me happy. They do lift my spirits a lot and I am happy to say they are taking the move pretty well.

i feel very tired, am about to move and i just found out the kids are coming back early (i was really appreciating a little quiet before the move. and desperately felt i needed the time, but no they are coming back after two days..) and then pretty much we are moving soon, I spent those two days doing lots of packing and also my class, so it's not even that i was doing nothing. anyways, i feel just very exasperated. and so my parents in law were trying to arrange to get them for weeks now. but there hasn't been the time, and so we made time for them. but apparently the kids were fighting a lot so i think they got overwhelmed by it. but like they made it seem like they were gonna take them for like 3-4 days. idk it's small but it's just i really wanted that time. and feel frustrated that i feel it's being taken away. on top of that when my mother in law came she was passive aggressively talking about how much she'd have packed by now. (i don't even want this move like at all.) and i can't understand why she'd have said that to me. I didn't start packing till a week ago cause my husband wanted to wait til he was sure we owned the house.

a little was out while i was driving today. it was okay, there was someone else driving and the little was just mostly looking out the window and was kind of amazed at it.
i was nervous actually about driving today cause the system was not well, and felt tired. but it was okay. things switched when i needed to drive, except for the little that was out. i just don't usually have such a present little out while driving usually.

Sorry things are so stressful right now for you with the move and everything.