Hello from the void...

Hello from a confused "me"

I am not sure who I am. I am aware, that my brain has different personalities and is switching between them, and some of them are writing here in the forum.
I don't identify with any other one, when they switch I often stay somewhat conscious, and can watch them but I don't know if I identify as an unique one myself. Which is weird, because not identifying ans someone else is probably also some sort of identity?
Also I'm not super conscious all the time and memories of what happened, when someone else was active is very blurry as soon as the activity or emotion is over.

In the last few days I started to notice various physical effects connected to switches...
There is sudden icky skin, arms are very hot if I touch them, or goosebumps without any effect (like cold) that could cause them. Headache can appear and be gone, like someone flips a switch.
Also yesterday I had to switch my glasses to old ones. As far as I know the they were changed over two years ago, but suddenly they were to strong and I only could see normal with the older ones.
This feels quite weird. Maybe that happens all the time, but nobody was there to notice it till now.

But that is only some sort of sidenote. I still wonder what I am and if I even should exit, because it feels a bit creepy to watch others and not doing much myself beside of somehow existing.

Did I kind of form, because the rest is increasingly overwhelmed with existing outside of their very specific area of life (one is a working-only-personality, one is a musician-only, one is constantly drawing when active, one is close-friend-with-x, etc.)?
Before the cat passed away, she was something that fill much of the time and gaps between these activities, I guess. But when she died, there was this sudden void and I'm kind of the identity of the void... ugh. But that actually describes me quite well. I feel like a foggy nothingness, but I'm nevertheless here.

I'm not sure, why I'm writing this all, maybe to become a clearer sense of self. Maybe hoping, that there are others here, which have a relatable experience, or someone in their system-thing, that is similar to me. What is the purpose of something like me?

The Void-Thingy of Muninn

Yes. This system has "the me's" The me's have no set identity, did name themselves, forgot, don't have a sense of "I am..." They are kind of background people. They are more chilled out. They have functions it seems, system analysis, daily life running analysis, chilling out. But they don't have actions. Patrick describes the me's as a canvas to paint on or a beautiful scenary for other parts to walk.

If they have been present with me I have been completely unaware of them. I know of them because somehow, I think because of spending so much time with Batcho fronting lately, I have Alot of system knowledge now. I did even know what system was before. I feel switch now so I should go.

Hope you feel less alone in this,

Sarah

Hi The Void-Thingy of Muninn. A lot of DID systems have alters who have no name or feel like a void. Sometimes they have or are given names or temporary nicknames like Void, Nobody, Shell, Watcher, etc. It's perfectly legit to have characteristics that feel undefined.

Some alters are characteristically more detached, sometimes to the point of derealization or depersonalization. If experiences for a child are too overwhelming, these traits can be protective.

For all of us who we found to be mysterious or somehow vacant, barely there, we eventually uncovered why that was the case. For a long time, we felt like there was a shadow of a little girl somewhere far away. For Annie, it turned out she was in another dimension because the body is male and it was just too unsettling for her to remain as she once was. For years, even before we knew about the DID, we felt the presence of a swirling wind that would cause us to lose focus then forget what we were focused on. Eventually we were able to identify a young alter Xavi behind this phenomenon. I could go on...

I myself go into a state of shutdown when faced with a no-win situation with one or more other people. I go inside myself and even though I know now exactly why this happens, it still overtakes me occasionally.

I guess I'm saying if you are thinking and wondering who or what you are, you're there. It's helped us to name or give a label to a possible alter or phenomenon until we figure out what's going on, but I'm not sure if that works for everyone. For us, sometimes the naming/labeling itself causes that alter to recognize themselves as a distinct part of us.

Hi

I've had the thing with glasses. A few years back I thought my sight was getting worse (for reading) bought some bifocals and stronger reading glasses for colouring and reading tiny print on food packaging.

When I first bought them I needed the strongest ones to even be able to read see tiny print or colour between the lines in some pictures. Now I've drawn without even using the bifocals but have still used them for the tiny print they arent as strong as the other only like 2 or 3x magnification the others were 6x they are now way too strong!

Hearing is more acute too and mobility better. The alter that was up front at the time of first needing the strongest glasses hasn't been around for several years.

Also had the feeling of been unsure who we are, that someone inside was searching for something no-one knew how to find.

None of mine had names before we came on here. I just made up their names to make things easier to explain. I think I've actually under-counted though and assigned a lot of traits to one 'character' in some cases, either that or some have their own sub-system (which I'm only just learning about).

We just wanted to say hello and we hope you can get some goodness from the forum. Its a great place and it helps Us a lot...!

We relate to the 'void' feelings. It's certainly a great part in our lives. We used to feel quite challenged by it, but now its taking on a more and more positive and important role...

Weirdly, without the void, we forget who we are, and fall into chaos and confusion...so the void is kind of a balance, a remembrance for Us... If we're ever 'going to fast' or 'too desperate' for something, its because we're trying to run from the void. The void says 'calm down'.

We hope that helps!

Pastella
(and All of the Tribe)

Hello!

Thank you for your replies and sharing your experience, and sorry, that I didn't answer sooner. Sometimes I'm just not present enough to feel like interacting with the forum or anyone else. It is still something unusual to do for me.

Weirdly, without the void, we forget who we are, and fall into chaos and confusion...so the void is kind of a balance, a remembrance for Us... If we're ever 'going to fast' or 'too desperate' for something, its because we're trying to run from the void. The void says 'calm down'.

I like this. I think I'm doing some of this too. Being the one thing left that is calm and not really intertwined with emotions. Maybe I could use this to actively calm down others, when there is too much chaos and confusion.
To some extend I'm doing that already. I figured out, why the body has some of these weird symptoms. I watched it closely and now I'm quite sure, that it some sort of newly awakened post traumatic stress syndrome, because it gets triggered by certain specific things and there was a (for some of us) traumatic experience recently. The body also showed a lot of the same symptoms after a traumatic event in late teens (which no one wants to remember apparently).
I'm not very sure how to deal with it. But I'm trying to calm down the body.

None of mine had names before we came on here. I just made up their names to make things easier to explain. I think I've actually under-counted though and assigned a lot of traits to one 'character' in some cases, either that or some have their own sub-system (which I'm only just learning about).

We have one in our system, who is very difficult to grasp, even for himself. It is one, on one level, but beneath the surface there are many partial parts. They are tied to this one and can influence how he feels and behaves, but they are not as whole as personality than others. Sorry, this is complicated to explain and sounds probably confusing.

The Void

p.s. Someone in the system suggested "Watcher" as name for me, but i like Void more, because it is less active and less focused on a specific activity, even though I'm kind of watching them anyway. Maybe one day I will decide on an other name.