Journey Thread Sarandipity

Thank you mods. I feel a little reassured by this. Sarah

I'm going to try to freely write here again and forget that I am being watched by a sad little man, my ex.

I have had next to no switching since I got out of the abuse situation with my ex. Which to be fair has been great. This says to me that alters are there and come forward when I'm at threat and not when life is more peaceful.

I've had two or three insta where they have come forward but in playful ways. It was Mandy and Karen. And Beth came forward to check what Julian Assange was doing once. Other than that I feel like they have been occasional passive influences. Mainly No-one, which isn't great because she's 19 and immature but that is what it is.

Hi its Batcho, our life looks Alot messier at the moment but we're happier. We was ######6 dieing with that guy. Sarah realised. Between Sarah and No-one we are feeling much better. My focus is still the book. Sarah is right about passive influences. Pat came forward at one point but he's not needed so it was brief. Same with Paul, needed to open the door to some delivery drivers about a dispute with the ex but then left. Beth was around yesterday which was good but as soon as we had to go out that became a problem so she dropped back and we were dissociated for most of the day. The thought crossed Sarah that the dissociation was because we are so used to co-fronting and she was probably right. Getting between a strong part, strong as in she can hold the body well, and another part isn't easy so when she dipped out it was just Sarah who felt less than whole, dissociated. Today it's me and Sarah. I still have delusions but they are much less overwhelming and are manageable, I can put them all into the book. I have stuff to do.

To the ex if you're reading this, which you 99% likely to be doing, the delivery people did come. Paul did answer the door and then close it in their face. Do whatever you gotta do.

Batcho

My system has been so quiet and switching has been very minimal and more like passive influence I believe than full switching. Which has been great.

There are just a couple of worrying factors. I can only remember one right now. My bed quilt was cut up. I don't know if I did it. I remember looking at it and not liking it or wanting it suddenly but then a alternate thought came of the quilt should be kept because there's nothing wrong with it. Then a couple of days later it was cut up. I have zero recollection of cutting it up and I keep telling myself maybe someone else did it, an outside person, but that doesn't make sense really.

It should probably worry me more than it is but it's not really the end of the world that a quilt got chopped up. I only worry because I have zero recollection of it. I can't even see myself doing it. Usually if another part of me does something I can see it in my head like I'm watching myself do it but I can't even see it like that. So that still leaves a doubt of did I do it, even though its most likely me, or didn't I. Its the doubt and not knowing that is bugging me.

I remembered the second thing. I had a funny feeling about the laptop, can't remember why now but something happened. So I checked the history and as usual there was minimal history and it was "wrong" The last sites I know I went on weren't there and chat rooms that I've never been on were there. Nobody has access to my laptop unless they know how to bipass passwords, which is easy, but I don't think anyone in the house has that ability at the moment since my eldest son moved out. So that was bugging me but then I can nearly, like it's misty, see myself going on a chat site so I do think that was me which is better than no recollection at all.

So although daily my dissociation and switching is minimal because the ex is gone and he was causing it, I am having a couple of complete blackouts possibly. I think I prefer a few complete blackouts to the constant switching that being in an abusive controlling relationship was causing.

About the cutting up the quilt. I used to cut stuff up as a child when I was angry so that's another reason why I think it was me..

We were never a destructive child until preteen years when our parents started fighting and then we liked to chop knives into furniture and stuff. Remember watching it was like someone else controlling the body it just happens and we were along for the ride you know? They were like did you do this? I guess. Why? I dunno. Wasn't scared of punishment was just numb. Didn't care.

Sorry about the quilt. I take it that the system as a whole knows when too much is too much though and if the worst thing is a cut quilt that's not so bad like you said.

The quilt is something you been seeing since the ex, right? I mean they wouldn't have been trying to gaslight you or something?

Snaga wrote:We were never a destructive child until preteen years when our parents started fighting and then we liked to chop knives into furniture and stuff. Remember watching it was like someone else controlling the body it just happens and we were along for the ride you know? They were like did you do this? I guess. Why? I dunno. Wasn't scared of punishment was just numb. Didn't care.

Sorry about the quilt. I take it that the system as a whole knows when too much is too much though and if the worst thing is a cut quilt that's not so bad like you said.

The quilt is something you been seeing since the ex, right? I mean they wouldn't have been trying to gaslight you or something?

Hi, yes, since the ex.

I used to cut things up when I felt trapped and frustrated because of my parents. I'm not sure why the quilt got cut up.

I feel like I have been punched in the face, all day I have felt like it. I kept seeing someone punch me in the face.

Nobody was here last night to punch me in the face. As far as I know, I guess.

So I thought it was my mind messing with me. Like seeing it and feeling it. Then an outside person said “you've been punched in the face. Who did that?" and I looked in the mirror and I look like I've been punched in the face.

So now I'm worried I somehow did get punched in the face last night. Or is it possible for the mind to create the injury out of keep seeing it happen?

I asked internally all the fragment child parts and they all said I did get punched in the face, I didn't have sex with anyone - which was my other concern, it kept going round and round my head. But then one raised their hand and said that what I was told earlier was true about the whole incident that I can't remember. But all that was so fantastical that it can't be right. Now there's more nonsense coming through about "the black hand“ which is all stories from the twins books... I'll write it here to get it out of my head:

Internal life or fiction:

The right hand man of the leader of the black hand escaped from prison sometime last summer. His name escapes me. Anyway he was supposed to be running things and he did it wrong. So a couple of parts of me who wish to remain nameless went to see him with some other people and now he isn't a problem any more. But he did get one punch in and apparently I'm lucky to be alive.

So that's what they're saying caused the punched feeling and why I kept seeing Nicolli punch me in the face and feel like I'm punched in the face.

So now I am wondering if internal world happenings can effect the outside body? I suppose its possible because the mind is a powerful thing.

Or something far more believable happened, like I bashed my face on the bed side table in my sleep. That's possible too.

Sarah

Hugs....

Well I don't know that I have DID- more like OSDD I think (think) that I usually am mostly co-conscious but I have had other parts slap the crap out of me before- I mean it's 'my' hand doing it but just kept on doing it y'know? And it's like I just kinda let it happen. Don't even feel as if it's safe for me to go on about it, or it might happen again. But there it is.

It occurs to me, both could be true-

Sarandipity wrote:something far more believable happened, like I bashed my face on the bed side table in my sleep.

Yeah might have been accident, or they might have bashed the body on the table on purpose. Unless a part dishes, might not get a firm answer.

Snaga wrote:Hugs....

Well I don't know that I have DID- more like OSDD I think (think) that I usually am mostly co-conscious but I have had other parts slap the crap out of me before- I mean it's 'my' hand doing it but just kept on doing it y'know? And it's like I just kinda let it happen. Don't even feel as if it's safe for me to go on about it, or it might happen again. But there it is.

It occurs to me, both could be true-

Sarandipity wrote:something far more believable happened, like I bashed my face on the bed side table in my sleep.

Yeah might have been accident, or they might have bashed the body on the table on purpose. Unless a part dishes, might not get a firm answer.

No update on this. It's still a mystery. For me to get info out of other parts and outside person has to jog my memory by saying something that happened and then i see it in my mind like I'm watching it. So without anyone being here that could have told me, which there wasn't, i won't find out any time soon.

The only times i have where i can't control my body is when i can't move at all. Sorry to hear what happens to you in this way.

Sarah

Batcho, No-one and Paul have basically been running life for weeks. I'm lucky i have some level of co-consciousness with them. I believe its always been like this but i wasn't aware.

Other parts have all been out and around. Rose is happier and back cooking again. So dinners have improved.

No-one was a very in body person years ago, as in she wasn't concerned with the internal worlds. But now she is entwined with Batcho and the sub internal world. This is ok, causing basically no practical issues. Its making the issue of that like Batcho she now thinks about internal world happenings whilst in the body. For Batcho that now manifests in thought's about his book he's writing. But for her its manifesting how it used to manifest for him. That internal world is all criminal, so she thinks about this and how to run the internal criminal world empire that Batcho built up. She asks his advice about what to do with their internal world sometimes which i now hear the dialogue of. It doesn't bother me. Their thinking time on their internal world fits in with life. For example I'll be relaxing listening to music or taking a bath and they say what their next moves are in their world like they are giving out orders. To be completely honest their chatting like this entertains me. I sort of miss it when they're not doing it. Also their presence elevates my mood, they feel really good about themselves and what they do internally.

I tend to feel neutral in mood when alone. Rose is very motivated towards house stuff but still feels sad. Beth is still anxiety ridden. Pat and Paul feel secure in themselves. Mandy is very child mood - easily bored, frustrated, playful, happy, sulky etc. But Batcho and No-one feel really good about themselves, elevated but its because they have this feeling of success in their inner world. Stress, success - they love it.

The ex is threatening to ruin my life still. This is why his previous exs seem to hate and fear him. He's a nasty man. I knew that as soon as i saw him, its a shame Rose gave him a chance.

Actual outside life practically taking out mood is... Ummm... Basically I'm trying to relax. Only working two days, not doing much but most stuff i did isn't on because of covid so i don't have much choice. I'm basically other than work living like I'm still in lockdown. I think thats ok.

I started talking to my sister again a few weeks ago. Already she brought me stress. Firstly because her life choice of how she makes money is disturbing to me. Secondly i had a friend i knew for about ten years and he became a bf and he went to visit her with me and she came on to him. He showed me messages she sent after she kissed him when they were alone so i know he's telling the truth. He said dw about it, it was just a kiss and he's not interested in her.

I'm not upset about him. I'm upset because she's supposed to be my sister and she did this, kissed him and text him etc. I wouldn't do that to her. I've been friends with her exs and i stay within boundaries. I got on well with them. I can't believe she did this, except i can. I wonder now if she's done this with a couple of previous exs or if shes become more like my mother in the last few yeara where i havent seen her. Talking to her again was a mistake because her lifestyle is stressing me out and so is her behaviour towards me. I forget and then it hits me again "my sister... “

Sarah