Journey Thread Sarandipity

ArbreMonde wrote:Sending a lot of moral support from all of us. We do not know what advice to give you, but we read, and we care, and we pray that things will get better.

-David-

Thanks David.

I went to a crisis place again yesterday and just cried. I can't really cry at home I feel because of the other children. I felt a little better. Then I felt angry of why. I can't think of why I deserve this and I felt angry. Still overwhelmingly worried about my son but also angry. I think its like greiving.

Sarah

I definitely blank out. I am doing something then I'm doing something else. When I ask what happened I am told "nothing" So I don't think I can do anything about it.

I was thinking about what I'm calling the mundane blanking out. Nothing is really happening, bad or good, and then I blank out. It can be in any scenario. Start to make dinner. Blank. Eat dinner. Its kind of pointless other than maybe someone cooks better idk. I know Beth is with me because she uses text abbreviations and is happy to keep writing even though there's nothing I can think of to say after that other than I wonder if I can time it. No-one would do that. Time it.


There's alot been going on. Stressful stuff. Son with mother, kitchen being re-done. There's shame around having a new kitchen, like we don't deserve it, so nobody mentions it except to one woman who has had 5 new kitchens. I think its the fear of jealousy. Like anything we did our mother was severely jealous of so we have this fear that if we tell people they will be jealous and take away the kitchen. Which is ridiculous because why would anyone care and they can't take a kitchen. A kitchen isn't a teddy or a cat or dance classes or swimming classes. But there's shame a fear around that.

On top of the kitchen stress which is stressful in its doing, but also this shame and fear, the middle son is with the mother.

Some parts have a fear she has sa him as a younger child even though contact was minimal. They fear her new husband is a paedophile too. They fear this is why they are keeping him at their house. But this fear isn't expressed to anyone because of being seen as crazy or of being disbelieved in what happened to us and out of again fear.

There is a massive fear that even if she hasn't sa our son that she will sabotage his life somehow. She'll be mean. The mother introject has been very snappy and nasty. That's our fear for our son, her venom will come out and he isn't used to venom. He takes everything personally, he's very sensitive. Actual venom that our mother possesses he won't cope with and will spiral into self doubt, shame and fear. She'll also convince him he can't come home, that I don't want him - she's already done that but she'll make that worse. We just see him spiralling downwards but pray we're wrong.

The blackouts are just parts helping out. Nothing to worry about. One unintegrated alter can't do everything because of burn out. Integrating feels like it'd burn our brain make us less than, maybe it wouldn't but we're not ready to chance it. I think we should do the DID assessment through Zoom but the others disagree, I see why. I think it'd be better. Get it over with. A thing off our mind and then go from there.

Nearly time to start home schooling so we better go.

Beth and Sarah

Oh also Sarah regresses under stress. Somebody should tell her so I am. She was worried about it, is there a child part with her, sometimes but sometimes she just regresses. So I hope that helps Sarah. Beth.

I read a bit of the haunted self. I wrote about it here and my jealousy issue. Then I cried and laid on the floor crying and scratching the floor for some reason. Someone said "I want to come out of this box“ so I said to come out then. It was a child part. I can't remember the whole conversation verbatim but it was that they wanted to tell me what happened to them and they did a bit then I cried some more. I told them they are safe now and they asked if the parents were dead and I said no but look I'm a grown woman so you are safe. They said what do we do and I said go to the police and they asked if they would be safe then and I said again they are already safe. Then I realised I was cold because I was on the floor. They were fine with being cold but I explained we have to take care of ourselves so I got up and walked into the kitchen first which was disorientating. I realised they don't know the house. They were frightened of the cat and the swing ball in the garden but I said it ok but let the cat out, the cat ran out. Then I explained we live here, it's safe and I got a jumper, let them pick some thick socks. And they said if we live here then we need to look after it, I dunno where that came from, I wasn't expecting that. I expected the part would want to colour or something but she wanted to do what I do so we brushed teeth and hair and tidied up a bit. Then I had to make a couple of calls and I thought I better write this here. They are still with me which is making me a bit swishy head wise but its OK. I want this part to stay with me. It seems important that she does.

Sarah

-- Sun Jul 19, 2020 11:27 am --

That was the bit of the convo I forgot...the being safe. Whilst saying that somebody said "don't worry we sacrificed a child to mum" meaning my middle son I think. And then looking at photos the child part asked which one. And then when shown which one she said "oh the best one" Then she felt worried for him and someone said "he'll be fine. Don't worry" and the child part said "so we're safe" Then we got on with norm stuff.

Sarah

After this morning I actually had a nice normal day. My son and gf and baby came. They are having normal baby stresses and I feel I helped a little bit with that.

Then my son broke down at one point because of stress he's been having from my mother. He has took it upon himself to try to resolve the unresolvable problem of my middle son being at my mother's. I told him he has to stop trying to do that bec talking to my mother is causing him upset. I said a little of how I have resolved it in my mind and I hope he let go of trying to fix it and trying to go through my mother to help his brother.

I cooked dinner, spent time with the baby. All in all I feel like I had a good day.

Sarah

This kind of quality time is precious. I am happy for you that you got to spend such time with your family.

-David-

ArbreMonde wrote:This kind of quality time is precious. I am happy for you that you got to spend such time with your family.

-David-

Hi David, and thanks.

My recent realisation has been that I have been projecting Rose onto the bf and parts have thought he is Rose because Rose is who wants to be in a relationship with him.

I find him blustery and he basically does DIY, shouts and I find him confidence undermining.

There's been a lot to learn in this relationship though a bought ourselves. I feel that as we are projecting Rose onto him that Rose may be like him. It's not a nice thought that there is an aspect of my personality that is like him.

I'm going to write how I see him so I can learn about myself or Rose, whichever way you look at it.

He loves appearances, that things look and are right. Personally I hate that but Rose must love it? He's suspicious and blustery and has nothing of interest to say, must also be like Rose. He's shallow and lives on a very basic level - I don't know how to explain this ummm he's 2D instead of 3D. Like there's nothing under the bluster and DIY. He's hollow. So I guess Rose is like this. Rose carries Alot of shame, what people think etc but I don't think he does that. He likes to try to cause shame. He is an embarrassment to himself and cringe. So maybe Rose is? Or maybe Rose is the polar opposite and he controls her with her shame.

Right now I'd like to get rid of Rose. I probably shouldn't say that because she's part of me but if she's like this guy I don't like myself. Not because of the shame but because of all the other stuff. I need to look up what to do about shame.

Sarah

Rose might be similar to this guy, but she is not this guy. We will always find other people who share traits with us. We might like the people, or not like them. It does not mean we have to like or dislike their traits inside of us!

It is difficult, I know, to make the difference between the two.

Most of us dislike people who are too focused on their looks. But, I love to wear make-up, make myself pretty, try to find clothes that would suit our physical body and make us look good too. Does it mean that I am focused only on those things? No, it does not. Does it mean that my headmates are going to hate me for that? Of course not! I am me. I am myself. I have other traits.

Rose has other traits too. Try to find what makes Rose unique and herself, and work from here. I am sure it will help you and your headmates understand who she really is, by herself.

xoxo

♥Lust♥ (with -David- nearby)

We just wanted to say that we've read your posts and we see and hear you all. We don't have any advice or comments, just that we hear and respect you all.

Sending warmth and kindness to you all


Yanni
(and All of the Tribe)