Journey Thread Sarandipity

I should probably note this. When the assessment team came I was near the body but not in it. I'm pretty sure Rabit was in the body because she kept singing about a rabbit and drawing rabbits. She felt young but I'm guessing, about 8 or 9.

It's was a few lyrics she was focused on: rabbit, where'd you put the keys girl. And: this is not really happening, you bet your life it is.

I heard of Rabit before when we had an ear test because apparently she hears best and my hearing did seem to heighten. Or the body brain became consciously aware of Rabit at the hearing test. I'm not sure if I was there or not. I see it like I'm watching it from any angle, like a video and I can hear the people in the waiting room and the wheel squeezing on a trolley. When I remember something personal it's through my eyes and not so vivid. So probably I wasn't at the hearing test?

Can seeing someone else's memory be more vivid than your own unless it's an actual flashback? I'll ask in a seperate thread.

Sarah

Reading a therapy thread here: "omg they are all up eachothers asses and their own asses. I can't deal."

Was a thought that popped into my head. When I was in therapy for about 10 years altogether from early 20's it did feel like this. In group one woman even said "I'm so far up my own ass right now I don't know how to get out" and my overall concensus was I'd had enough therapy. I need to think about this more.

Sarah

I'll have to come back to my fear of being up my own ass because of therapy another time and go up my own ass over this today:

How parts are resolving my middle son being with my mother:

Partially we are not, I'm taking lorazepam a few times a day.

Someone or some of them keep saying that our middle son is the reincarnation of our great grandfather (middle son was born on his birthday, has many characters traits, talked about when he was in the north of England when he was a child but had never been there, insisted on giving his cousin a sip of his tea in a saucer when she asked for a sip which my great-grandfather used to do, polished shoes very well from young and my great grandfather loved to polish everyone's shoes, cooks roast potatoes well, wanted to join the air force as a kid which my great-grandfather was in the air force) anyway they say because he is the reincarnation of our only "ok" grandfather as me and my other children move away from those family ties that the middle son is bound into them. That his soul is choosing to try to rectify that family line through his future generations and that me and the other children are then free of it.

Could be hippy BS. Could be real.

Next perspective, he's too brainwashed so even if he comes home he'd go back there and he'd cause discord in the house while he's there, nobody cares if he does I just probably wouldn't cope with it because I nearly went to hospital when my daughter mentioned my father. But still even knowing that I want him back.

Next perspective, he's fine there. He had 16 years of being raised here with me so I either did a good job or I didn't by this point. His lack of whatever is causing him to be there is something I can't do anything about now. He's sensible and he will have a good life not turn to drugs or go off the rails like I did under the influence of my mother.

Bizarrely the other children are ok with him being gone there and they think he's better there because he likes it there, they don't. That he's always liked them better and that he's too stupid to see through them so it's his own fault. My eldest son and my daughter think this. My youngest son is just glad to have a room to himself.
My daughter also said he wanted to move out at 16 so he has.

I don't think these perspective are helping me. I feel really vulnerable, under attack and a massive loss because obviously he was a big part of my life and household. On the kid way of looking at it there is more space and less arguing.


What I dislike intensely is that my middle son is being made out as a victim by my mother. They keep trying to pretend I said he can't come home, I didn't. I said he can come home but under my rules which he was staying there trying to dictate what happened in my home from there using him coming home as a bargaining tool.

I finally worked out why my mother is doing this because she wrote a letter or forced my son to which I pinned on the fridge. It's the same wording as she sent my eldest son, that's how I know it's lead by her but my middle son signed it. If I want to continue a relationship with my son I have to go through her now, make nice to her, not report her to the police. I'll just wait till he can get here himself, going through her is a fat nope. I think I'll write back and explain that.

Sarah

Sending lots of moral support. It's very mean what your mother is doing. Lots of good wishes that the situation untangles fast and smooth and fair for you!

xoxoxo

~ Theia ~

This is not an easy stance to take. It's the only stance I can take. Any other stance leads to hospital. If I let the bitch back in at all it leads to hospital. I have other children to think of that are younger. But as I said it's far from easy. It's taking me to have to be on sedatives.

I feel like my mother has kidnapped my child. That I can't make the ransom payment and my only hope is that my child is somehow smart enough to escape.

So I'm really fukin stressed and agitated and basically screaming inside. I can't kill her because this isn't a film. I would go to jail. The law can't help me because he's sixteen. Sarah

Everything feels like an Onslaught at the moment.

It's one bombardment after the other. I can't remember if I wrote here a letter came supposedly from my middle son. There was a message to my eldest son from the mother. My sister sent me an abusive message I stupidly answered. Today it was my supposed father sending me a message.

This started last July when I called the police. It started before that. What started last July is that I stopped giving in to them. All I want is them to go away. Right now even if that means they take my middle son and I never see him again. I'm so fed up with it all.

I don't understand it. I really don't. They were disgusting so called parents so why do they keep hounding me.

Earlier I realised something about why but I can't place it now.

I think there's an inner conflict I'm suppressing and that's why I feel so agitated. I know the parents are badgering me to bring me back into line so I'm neutralised as a threat to them. But I want to believe that it's because they care.

But I want to believe that it's because they care.

We understand this desire. We also, in ourselves, hate it, if that makes sense. We believe they care, they then somehow prove they don't. We suffer. Rinse repeat...

littleDaria wrote:

But I want to believe that it's because they care.

We understand this desire. We also, in ourselves, hate it, if that makes sense. We believe they care, they then somehow prove they don't. We suffer. Rinse repeat...

Exactly. Yesterday I was literally saying over and over "it's like I'm going round and round in a washing machine" I felt like nobody around me understood what I was saying. So thank you for responding.

Sarah

I got through today without a lorazepam but my jaw hurts which means somebody has been teeth grinding again. I slept for a couple of hours in the day but I did cook s good meal and did some cleaning and went to the supermarket. I spoke to the police man and he sent me the crime reference number for reporting my parents.

I feel like their continued harassment is pushing me to that. I feel like it they just left me alone and went away then I could get on with my life, resolve in therapy the things they did to me and leave them to quietly die. But because they keep harassing me and they took my son that they are pushing me to report them. It almost feels like they want me to report them, which is stupid because...I dunno why it's stupid but it's stupid.

They would want to live their lives out and get away with the terrible things they did because they don't have conscience- they can't have a conscious to do the things they did. But that's how it FEELS right now, like they want me to report them so it's over. To me as soon as they go away it's over, all I ever wanted as a kid was to escape them. In many ways I did escape but they kept grabbing at me. Like they need me around for reassurance or something. The more they grab lately, the less guilty I feel at the thought of reporting them and the more I feel like it must be what they want me to do or they would go away.

But that's crazy. It must be my perspective because they are just doing their usual tactics of breaking me down but they aren't working. They can't work. I had too many flashbacks and parts tell me things and the things fit with my memory, they add up. I have small doubt over it still but it's like a tiny drop now. This is because the more I listen to parts the more whole I feel. Also because when I do affirmative things, like print injunction papers against them I feel better. The thought is still their, they're not that bad, even though they are sick messed up people but then I come back to how I feel because they refuse to go away - panicky trapped, I want to run away, I want to hurt myself, I want to kill them. This is not the feelings a person has towards parents when they think of them being in their life so again I go back to its seriously wrong and then I get reminded of abuse parts have disclosed, not details but that there is disclosed abuse. It's typed on a laptop.

So it feels like they want me to report them. Maybe they believe they will get away with it. For me it isn't about punishing them, it's simply that I want them to go away. They did what they did, they messed me up, it's had terrible effect on my life but nothing can change that. Them being punished can't rewind time but they can leave me alone now. It feels like they need it. I'm not here to serve other people, I don't want to give them that even if they need it.

How comes they can't get it? It's over, they did terrible stuff to me, I have to deal with it, it doesn't mean that they badger me till they die. They need to get some dignity and go away and sit there wondering if I will report them or not. Quietly. Leave me be. I have other stuff to do. Life isn't all about how they abused me, messed my life up, I did alot of work on myself and lived a pretty full life so far since I escaped them emotionally in 2007 and I fully intend to keep doing that. Fitting in going to court so maybe they get punished because they can't let it go and leave me alone is an inconvenience but I will do it if it's the only way to get rid of them. Although it feels like they win then I don't care, I simply want a peaceful life. They cause me triggers and I therefore need them to go away.