Journey Thread Sarandipity

I'm basically making this journey thread because I have major anxiety and I thought writing it out might help and that a thread about anxiety would be stupid.

The anxiety is about cleaning a woman's house. I used to clean houses so it doesn't make sense. I can do it, people loved me when I was a cleaner. I'm only doing it once because of this dread I feel over it. Then I've given it to someone else in advance and told the woman.

I dunno what the dread is about. So I'm gonna guess.

It's like going backwards. The decision was made to stop the cleaning business because it was so difficult to get reliable people to work for me. Cleaning this house is like going backwards to all of that.

I fear if we start taking on second jobs then we'll start taking on more and the novel won't get written. It's hard enough to make time as is.

I jusr don't want to go back to it. The money is ok, its very hard work and I'd rather take more hours in the shop than start struggling to make a cleaning business again.

But I don't even want to go clean this house today. Just this one off is filling me with dread.

Focusing on current goals needs to happen: work in shop pt. Help youngest catch up at school (which he is). Write book. Get DID assessment. Go to the support group. Maybe go to therapy. Go swimming.

Anything else is deviating from those main goals which end in a year. They are this years goals.. They end once the youngest starts secondary school and that's in a year and a few months. There's no time for this cleaning. It takes physical energy and mental. It's only a year left to finish these goal, we done one year already nearly so to deviate is to cause problems. On top of that other book ideas pop into the head where we're focused on writing. Let's just do that and not put ourselves through this again. Beth and No-one

-- Sat Jul 04, 2020 6:45 am --

I've come up in hives I'm so stressed about it.

The hives went down after it was over so it was definitely anxiety over this clean.

I went to bed quite early and am up early again which seems to work better for me because I get some peace before everyone is up.

It used to be that if something was happening outside of agreed plans or that others disagreed with that it'd be sabotaged or forgotten so hives and being able to know what is causing it is a step forward.

I know to stick on our main plans because they are overall important and agreed. They are going ok despite hospital admission and my middle son being where he is.

That is a stress and a worry. We have two ways of looking at where he is (with my mother) 1. He's in the witches house from Hansel and Gretel and he'll either metaphorically get eaten or survive. 2. He's in a crack house and until he gets off the crack we can't see him.

Which we can't. My mother will start rumours over anything. My daughter went to stay one night with my grandmothe. My grandmother I love. She didn't start the rumour, I know it was my mother. My mother found out she stayed there from my grandmother. So my mother phoned around saying my daughter stayed there one night because she had nowhere to go and I had thrown her out. She told my eldest son who ignored her. She told my dad's wife who invited my daughter for dinner and asked her. She phoned my daughter last and said to her she'd heard my daughter had nowhere to go. But I know my mother started the rumour because she made those first calls. This is after my daughter decided to break all contact with my mother because she had stayed with my mother and my mother had said alot of horrible things about me. My daughter got annoyed and left but said apparently my middle son is brainwashed and listens to it all. So I have to look at it as if he's on drugs and till he's off them I need to have minimal contact with him too.

It is a source of tension for me but I can't do anything about it. No amount of telling him will help, it'll make it worse. I can't force him home because he's 16. I'm hoping I raised him well enough that he still achieved his dreams. I didn't even have dreams other than to escape my parents so he's ahead of me already. Or more vulnerable because he has dreams she can destroy. He's more vulnerable because he doesn't know her or how she opperates or that she is a sadist who enjoys to see people suffer or that she'll have no qualms on destroying him. He's had minimal contact with her till recently.

I'm relieved the social services are not going along with her. She made loads of complaints about me while I was in hospital as usual and they did an assessment. My mother is trying, they said, to make it so my children are taken and she can get money to have them. But they said they see no concerns of my middle son coming home so basically it's nothing to do with them.

Before they told me this and while they did an assessment I tore up a consent form they gave me. I didn't realize if I'd signed it then my mother would have access to their report, be able to make more complaints easier and know all my business. But I tore it up and told them to do whatever they had to do, take me to court or whatever because I'd completely had enough of my mother's bs. When the lady phoned to say there's no concern from their assessment and because I tore up the form it stopped my mother having any info on me I was surprised but relieved. I felt like, even though it was because I had torn up paper, that social services saw through her. I know the social worker did because she kept saying things in a polite way that said to me she knew roughly what she was dealing with when dealing with my mother. I told them I have concerns of my son being there because of how my childhood was but I didn't put in a complaint. I don't know if I should. I don't know if that's a waste of time or they will think I'm like her or if it's a bad thing to do. I think I'm going to just get an injunction on my mother. That seems better to do. If my son has problems there he knows he can come home. I told him repeatedly. Although my mother keeps telling him that I abandoned him. I just don't believe he's that stupid to believe that so to me he knows he can come home.

I've thrown out alot of stuff and there's more to throw out. My home is starting to feel more organised even though there's decorating going on. I have money for assessment and maybe therapy so that's good.

My youngest son is now caught up one year in maths so I have one year to catch him up on. Since I let him use a laptop to write, because a special needs lady said see how he gets on with that rather than keep trying to get him to write with a pen because it's still illegible, he's been writing a super hero story with full stops and capitals and other punctuation so he can do it.. he just isn't good with a pen. So that's looking up. And he's enjoying both the maths and English. My thought was if I get his maths and English up to date then the other subjects at secondary school will be ok. He has interest in other stuff and he's ok at learning French so as his maths improves and if they do let him type instead of write at school I'm much more confident he'll be ok.

The book is going well. I've written 8 chapters but only finished 3 properly. People who read it like it so far. But I'm quite happy with my progress at it so far for a first attempt at a novel. I have children's book ideas too that I write but until the novel is done I'm not sending anything to a publisher. Karen started writing a book of our life. Maybe that's why she doesn't have a chapter. Each alter has a chapter inspired by them, their inner life or a past life they say they had and then a supernatural twist to it except Karen. We're thinking of pen names because we don't want the body name put to the book which is kind of fun to do. Karen picked Karen which isn't a surprise. Batcho hasn't picked one and the children book name will be what Beth tried to change our name to by depol one time probably. I know of see my life name as my life name, my official name and the books can have whatever name whichever alter wrote them chooses which is fair and kind of fun because Batcho isn't picking Batcho. He may still just sign the book anon lol but he has humour like that. He likes the idea of the book being anonymous so does Beth but for different reasons.

Anyway I should get on.

Sarah

Yesterday was a good day and then a bad day.

Because of what's going on with my middle son I've been putting the best face on it - fake it till I make it. Which works sort of. I tell myself "nothing is wrong" I do the most with my day and then I look back and say to myself I did alot today. It helps.

But yesterday when I realised my eldest son was so late to visit and I wouldn't have time to do face masks with my daughter like we plan every Sunday everything then pulled on top.

I felt rage, disappointment, WHY? (Do I have a messed up mother), helplessness because the middle son is too old for me to save him, fear that she'll ruin his life, rage again.

So I'm not a do nothing or say nothing person. She ignores my calls so I text her and told her exactly what I think of her. Rose was co-front with me. She has had a hard time with accepting and with that we're not pretending all the time to be singular and that the parents exist, that she is not the parent of us all and that the parents are rubbish. So the text was long.

I was starting to feel cut off from everything because of having to cut off from the sadness of what's happening to my middle son. It was cutting me off emotionally from everything. So I cried and let myself ask WHY?. etc. And sent the text. I feel better. Like I can connect to emotions again. I did start to feel guilty of telling the mother the truth about herself but then I had a genius idea lol I decided to cut off from feeling bad about telling her what I think of her and let all other feelings which is working and I'm gonna say whatever I want to her, hang any consequences because the bitch deserves worse.

I also realised how tiring it was being ok about a not ok situation. I had to live like that all the time as a child. Engaging with emotions is less tiring than suppressing them.

We are dinner I'd cooked and went for a drive. Partner drove and kids in back and got donuts. It was pleasant.

While driving back Batcho woke up and Rose went. He oriented after about 5 mins but before he did this is how it was: "I'm in a car going along a motorway" a number plate had triggered him out. I won't say it, I can still remember it but that seems intrusive on whoever was driving the car. So the number plate he said meant someone was in trouble. The car plate two cars down told him that the person in trouble had broken cover and told someone they were not dead. Then he put some music on and we got home, the clothes were irritating him so we changed. He was ok after the number plate thing. I think it's his way of coming from inner life where he does have a very full inner life orientating himself by reminding himself of inner life, music and realising where we have been etc or what we were doing and then he's ok. He forgot about the 999 problem, the first number plate actually had 999 in it. He said it's not his problem but it was good to know. And then fully connected with real life and let go of inner life.

I do think though that this really low dose of antipsychotic is helping Batcho be present without psychosis. They said it's negligible, I have to cut the tablet because they don't make them that small but I do think Batcho would be easily psychotic without them. I will try coming off them in 6 months though like they said.

Sarah.

Sounds like quite a journey.

littleDaria wrote:Sounds like quite a journey.

Does it lol

Today:

Luckily I only had runs to the tip with rubbish planned. They all got done.

The other time I wasted talking to my sister. I haven't spoken to her for years.

She only messaged me because of the message I sent the female that unfortunately is legally my mother.

Even though her message was all venom I still engaged in conversation, if it can be called that. Partly motivated by hoping under her venom (she's a flying monkey of my mother) that somewhere a decent person exists. And partly motivated by the hope that she would look out for my middle son a bit while he's under their influence.

The hope was wasted and there's nothing underneath what she has become. That was my conclusion from the words. She's either so far in denial she's unreachable or the same as them. She has been sent to therapy for narcissism so maybe she is just like the legal parents we had which was my worst fear for her.

Since I cut all contact with her some years ago life has been peaceful and easier. Today reminded me how good it is without her in my life, simply her absence makes it better. I didn't say that to her, it seemed to cruel but I did block her.

She threatened me in many ways and threw really strange insults at me that didn't apply. She told me to go to school which was very odd because I have qualifications coming out of my ears. I definitely don't need more school at this point. She hasn't got many qualifications though, much less than me...

When we were talking about her she became more pleasant. Maybe she simply is a narcisist now I think about it. I thought probably she would have DID like me but thinking about the whole exchange I can see in hindsight its narcissism.

I mentioned how we were abused. She said I'm weak and can't deal with it and that she enjoys to make the mother cry. They're fake tears, I didn't bother to say that either. That I should still have respect for the abusive parents even though they abused us....yes definitely now I see how she has become them and probably is simply a narcisist unfortunately.

It was hard and horrible. I kept pleading with her to help my son but I see now that too was a waste of time. A narcisist can't see past themselves which is why she turned the convo to herself and then said I did and then was much nicer when it became about her. Then she threatened me with witchcraft and I told her to go to church. Then she stopped replying for a bit and I took the opportunity to block her.

It was a waste of a day and it wasnt. It was technically a waste of time and dropped my energy to how it used to be when I used to engage with my "family" but it wasn't a waste of time because it reminded me and showed me how much I have moved on from them, how they are and that they are still the same. It reminded me that the loss of them from my life is actually a major gain. Years ago I decided my only family is my children. Emotionally cutting was first and hardest but once that was done physically cutting from them was easier.

It's dragged me down a bit. I feel empty. I feel how I used to feel all the time. I forgot how that felt. I feel like I won't climb out of it but I know I will because I have before and it's been years since I felt this. Just a day of dialogue can bring it back is scary but at least I know this feeling is the feeling of how they made me feel. I remember feeling like this when I was with the narcisist ex. I don't get this feeling with the bf now even in arguments so that says Alot to me.

Tomorrow is a new day and this feeling will go. It's an important lesson to remember though. Sister is NPD, diagnosed, communicates like NPD and makes me feel how the NPD ex did. That's proof enough for me that zero contact was my best choice.

Sarah.

From reading LittleDarias thread I am thinking about why I don't want to expose my mother. Then I remembered why lol or its because I'm waiting for my nan to die. I don't want to upset my nan. I already upset her though by having zero contact with her or any of my family.

I don't because my uncle is a child molester. This to me means he must have molested probably all my cousins. So that means some are survivors and some are abusers. So it's not worth putting my children at risk. My eldest son was molested by one of my cousins. I remembered I was abused by my uncle, reported the cousin concerned and cut all contact, this was 15 years ago. I won't play Russian Roulette with my children's well being. I didn't realise I was, then I knew I was so I cut contact.

I still thought my parents were jusr psychologically abusive and I minimised contact. My family on my mother's side is a very unhealthy narcisistic female lead family. So it was no loss. I never knew my father's side of the family except one female cousin and she unfortunately died so I can't really comment on the sort of family my father came from. But my elder male cousin said its a horrible family. So I'll just believe him.

I wanted my children to feel they had "OK" grandparents so I minimised contact and they only saw their facades not the monsters underneath. This worked well till No-one came back and I as a whole became aware of being sa by my parents. Then I phoned the police, still not sure who phoned the police but it was definitely a part of me lol so I phoned the police. I can't remember exactly what they said to the police.

What stops me following it through? Several things really. Firstly whenever I try to tell my psychiatrist anything he said I become incredibly distraught and he says I need trauma therapy. So if I become incredibly distraught then really I'm not ready to go to the police.

Secondly I don't want to kill my nan. I think it'd kill her. This is because although that family is incredibly interwoven and has female narcissism and sa all through it I saw how she tried so hard to not be like her mother. Her mother only died a few years ago, she was an old evil bitch. Her mother also looked after my mother alot so my view is that it comes from her not my nan how my mother is. I don't think my nan deserves it. She couldn't accept about my cousin, she kept going on about him to me and telling me how great he's doing - I cut contact with everyone except her for a few years then I minimised contact with her and now I don't see her at all because I have no holding back left in me but I don't want to upset her because I think it'd kill her.

That's basically the long and short of it, I'm using my grandmother as an excuse. But this does calm my rage and my hatred of what my parents are so it's not all bad. She was soothing to me as a child. I liked to be at hers. Maybe that's why it's soothing to think of her and I don't want to destroy or loose that. Because I know my grandmother will take abusers side. I think because she can't cope with it. My aunt disclosed abuse to my grandmother and she told her to get over it because it was years ago. So she doesn't have any sympathy for victims. Maybe I'm still just letting myself live in a denial and my grandmother doesn't deserve to be protected. I dunno.

Sarah

How I feel this morning after talking with my sister yesterday.

Its odd because I feel more relaxed and sure about everything. Yesterday left me with an empty feeling. My sister was all over the place with her words, like an injured animal that's how I saw her. My mother is sick and my sister is injured.

I feel at peace with it. I used to wonder if I made the right choice when I cut her out my life. I know I did now. It still has pain, we grew up together sort of, but speaking to her yesterday I realised she is messed up. I saw old traits of myself there too, old defense mechanisms, the old turmoil I used to have. It was sad and reassuring at the same time. Reassuring that I have done the right thing, reassuring that I have moved on and sad that she is how she is. I feel a pang of guilt over her because its kind of like I left her laying in the mud and walked off. I did try to help her up a few times though over the years but she can't or won't get up. So I have to take it she's happy there and leave her there.

It's law of the forset: if something is bigger than you, if it's sick, if it's injured then leave it alone. If it's smaller than you and unharmed then do what you like.

But then I also live by: and it harm none do what ye will.

I haven't caused either my mother or my sister to be sick or injured so really the guilt is my mother's for my sister - I told her that. I said I'm not mum, I didn't abuse you so I won't put up with how you are.

I did put up with it for years after I realised how toxic my sister can be but then one day I resolved the guilt and stopped. I was not responsible for her. And I won't be now. I have to think of myself and future generations of my offspring. That's what I always think of. Why I broke extended family contact 15 years ago. I wanted to break the cycle and the pattern. I won't know if I have till my children have partners and children of their own, if I'm lucky to see that.

I have one grandchild but he's a baby. The mother is difficult to read, I think she's ok and then I think umm I dunno. Plus her and my eldest son are only 20 so they are starting out young, it's time that'll tell there but she definitely doesn't seem to be a narcisistic young woman so that's my main concern out of the way, she's quite switched on emotionally and a good mum. He's doing night feeds and getting stressed at loss of freddom every now and again but I think that's normal, I dunno maybe it isn't. Like I said time will tell more there.

Being a mother sometimes feels like you are taking a massive educational course and there's multiple assessments and they never end and you basically have to judge yourself and mark your own work all the way through. You have to account for genetics but minimise its accountabilities because otherwise you either blame genetics and do nothing and fail the test or you're too hard on yourself, over work and then fail the test. I think that's why I love being a mother. It's such hard work. Very rewarding but without reward and at the end of it you get death because it doesn't end.

There's basics on not fukin up. My mother didn't even manage that. In fact my parents went out of their way to fuk up. I chose different. So it's like an experiment too, will I do OK even though I had nothing to base my parenting on. That's why I did several parenting classes. Went to self esteem and assertion classes, learnt psycogy and counselling skills, trained as a behaviour change therapist. I didn't work as any of them I just applied them to my mothering. I felt it was too good to waste on paid work so I used it all and still use it raising my children.

My middle son is with my mother. I do feel this is a sit back and wait learning curve for him. I have to sit back and wait. That's harder. It's really hard to do. Then I worry I'm doing the wrong thing and I should go and drag him home. But that comes with the fact he is 16 and can just leave. My daughter came home of her own choice and she is younger. She came home saying she didn't like how they put me down, how they told her not to answer the phone to me, how they told her to stay there and think about it before she came home. My middle son apparently agrees with them. So I have to let him go? Or am I supposed to fight for his approval and acceptance - it doesn't feel right to do that.

I might be using this journal thing wrong but its good to write stuff out.

Sarah

We just wanted to say that we hear your issues and we wish you all the very best. We're not too sure if this is a space to post in (it's your thread we know), so apologies there.

The part about you all taking those lessons and doing all of those things, that is so so inspiring...wow. Excellent stuff.

Wishing you all the very best with the challenges. Peace and positivity to you all.

Andromeda
(and All)

Thanks Andromeda and all.

___

I had another horrible day. The legal mother messaged my eldest son. He told her straight about herself. My daughter announced she'd been speaking to my legal father and that she was going out with him this evening.

I nearly went to hospital.

Usually with all this I'd go psychotic. But I have the meds so instead I was just sobbing and wailing and wanting to hurt myself. The came to assess me, gave me lorazepam and I feel a little calmer. But I have to say that loosing my mind in these times is much nicer because I'm not then thinking about the real issues because I'm seeing fairies or whatever my brain is doing so I don't think about the real issues.

Dealing with the real issues is hard. I felt a little better when my partner said he'd help me get injunctions. I called the police on the legal father taking my daughter against my consent but apparently the law is sketchy on that so I need to look into it more.


The legal mother sent lies to my eldest. Basically they are trying to convince my middle son and everyone else that I don't want my middle son home. That they have to keep him there because I refuse to let him home. Which is lies but how they work is they think if they convince enough people then it becomes true. It doesn't though. Social services know that my middle son can come home but is choosing not to. My other children know and anyone else I do not care about what they think. Obviously the middle son is being brainwashed into thinking it's true despite I keep saying he can come home. It's frightening that I'm saying over and over that he can come home and yet because he's where he is he believes what they are saying, that he can't and I don't want him home. It's awful and frightening. No wonder I'm so much unable to know what's real and what isn't when I get ill. It's old coping mechanisms. They were so brainwashing I went into my own world. Now I go psychotic instead but I don't seem to be able to do that even right now and I'd love to because it is an escape from all this.

Sarah