Getting something off my chest

So two weeks ago I was in hospital. Usually I don't take meds because I know I was triggered by an ex parent. I'm calling them ex parents because I would divorce them and they were never real parents.

Anyway usually it's because of an ex parent trigger. I thought this time it wasn't. That internal went external and I became what the psychiatrist likes to call psychotic for no reason. So I doubted everything including the DID and agreed to the meds immediately without question or reading the leaflet.

Parts, mostly Batcho, insisted I still come here and I have and I'm glad I did.

Reading a post here I read about "overwealmed by trauma" making DID people breakdown I actually took a moment to think what happened before this hospital admission.

My mother turned up unwanted to secretly visit my children because I was supposed to be out fixing a friend's car but I had popped home to get some other tools. She was shocked to see me at the door. The children must have told her I was out and conspired with her for her to come.

I told her f off. I went back and finished fixing the car and forgot all about it. Didn't mention it to the children. Didn't confront her or speak to anyone about the emotions involved in this.

Then about three weeks later I was fully psychotic or inside outside and in hospital.

I'm very crying now because I just realised how much it actually effected me. I feel betrayed by my children. I feel once again violated by her and that I'm still abused by her. I want to kill her. It seems the only option but I know I can't or won't and don't have that actually in me because she'd be dead already. I did try to strangle her at 18 but stopped. Then I would of forgotten that except my father intermittently made jokes about it.

*** TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE ***
It happened after he r****** me** and she was taking me to a mental hospital. She was SA too to be clear but she wasn't there that time and I told her so she put me in the car saying we'd go to police but was driving towards the mental hospital so I chocked her. She stayed calm like any psycho and slowly breaked so unfortunately the car didn't crash and stopped choking her and went to the mental hospital like a good abused daughter and was given antipsychotics.
** END TRIGGER WARNING**

Anyway I hate her and him. But mostly her right now because he at least has enough shame to leave me alone. Her on the other hand is still abusing me via my children and I pray to God her partner isn't a peado because if he is she has probably also abused my children. I want to kill myself... But I won't because then she wins... There's enough of her in me to at least avoid that out of spite to her. I will confront her with a witness so I don't choke her again. Sarah

I am so sorry. I am crying too, reading this.

Sarandipity wrote:she put me in the car saying we'd go to police but was driving towards the mental hospital so I chocked her.

I might have done worse. The betrayal is . . . unfathomable. I have experienced such betrayal myself and I still cannot begin to understand it.