Dating, Partnership, and Disclosure

I met someone. he is super amazing and treats us very well.

I have disclosed a trauma background, too many hits to the head and PTSD.

am I obligated to disclose more or elaborate?

he is so nice I dont think he would ever push. if I say I dont like to talk about it. that's ok. but as we seem to be getting serious its bothering me more and more.

this feeling that I should explain better that I am damaged goods. and the probable CTE. so he can get out early. but idk what is right. I have no desire to tell him about DID dx. but the CTE thing feels.....mandatory.

I am trying to find a counselor, but pandemic.

how much is right to tell? when is it right to tell?

I am having feelings. fella is 36 and lives in my area. approaching the 3 month mark. he has no kids. seems like a dreamboat. is the feeling like I'm not good enough a shame thing from abuse? is telling him a test to push him away?

I trick myself. and I never date so this is pretty new. we all like him. even zahra says he is ok. we are getting into some serious $#%^ and I dont want to ###$ it up. but if I am at high risk for dementia he needs to know.... he might end up taking care of me. disclosure is so confusing.

and I want him to stay. how do I not ###$ this up?

bonus fun fact - he now works as a teacher but used to work as a psych nurse in NY State. father has aspergers and mom was a nurse. he is intelligent and compassionate and think he has been burned before by past relationships. I probably need to brush up on codependency and narcissists. because sometimes codependent hook up with each other right? idk. we are all imperfect.

opinions and advice welcome. I never wanted a husband before but it's getting harder and harder to live on my own and kid must be free to leave and fly and not be burdened by dementia caregiving. this fella is a keeper, so how do I do this right until I can get a counselor?

Hi, Bees. So glad you're feeling better and posting again. Hope your daughter is feeling better too.

Sounds like a great guy. We've never been in a relationship and have chosen not to be, so we're not in the best position to advise. But we do think it would probably help to "test the waters" with very general information about your health, and see how he responds.

Hoping some other folks here have further thoughts.

MDs

BeccaBee wrote:I have disclosed a trauma background, too many hits to the head and PTSD.

I don't think you need to go into more details than that at this point. Those are the important points. He's not an idiot--he can deduce what "too many hits to the head" means, as well as trauma and PTSD.

I actually think it's easier to find an expert DID therapist right now because most of them are doing video sessions, and they have more time in their schedules. If you're entering into a relationship, having a neutral and supportive person for advice, who also understands the challenges of DID--would really help a lot. A lot of things seem to fluctuate in a BIG way for you--mentally and physically, and someone who can keep track of the big picture of who you are could make a big difference.

Do you ever go back and read over your posts? Your outlook on your health and abilities and future changes back and forth drastically. Weren't you just very ill from COVID? And last year I think you were saying you already had dementia and loss of physical abilities and wouldn't be able to function anymore? Maybe I'm not remembering it all exactly right, but if you haven't looked over your past posts, it might be very helpful to do so while you're in this current state of mind.

hey BeccaBee,

we dont have any advice on this stuff, just wanted to say hi & we're glad you're doing better & hope everything works out ok for you with your friend

<3

viola & others

MakersDozn wrote:But we do think it would probably help to "test the waters" with very general information about your health, and see how he responds.

Obviously you've already done this....

As Gang said, he can probably figure out the implications of what you've already told him. And we second their suggestion about finding a T through telehealth.

MDs

He could be a keeper. Has he done his own self work? Has he shown any signs of wanting or trying to "fix" you? Have you met his family yet?

Has he made disclosures to you yet? Or has it been all one way?

Something I learned the hard way is, it isn't enough to disclose and wait for the other person to stay or leave. You should expect a conversation, expect verbal feedback on your disclosure. Does he really understand PTSD? Can he describe your signs, that you haven't described to him? Does he think PTSD is treated with medications, or is not treatable, or requires white-knuckling or stuffing it down, or needs re-traumatizing exposure therapies, or is "over diagnosed"?

I used to think it was a good enough sign if the other person listened and didn't say anything hurtful or hateful or turn and walk away; now silence is no longer good enough. It hides too much, and it is lazy too. I am worth the effort. So are you.

thank you for the feedback guys. una you touched on some things that were nagging me but I couldn't quite put my finger on.

gangs - thank you for the reminder to read my posts. I do that but havent lately. it's one reason I post online. I was very ill with covid and I am having significant health challenges including motor impairments and cognitive dysfunctions. the littles are especially frightened by this and post most often about it.

I am still doing office work but it is much more stressful than I can handle. I dont want to be alone anymore. I need someone to help take care of me. I very likely will not be able to live alone again and need supervision, especially at night or when my symptoms worsen. I just fell again two days ago. it was the change in my health that prompted me to look for a spouse before I ended up in a care facility.

I'm having trouble reconciling what I have to offer against the baggage with my health. he does a good job of taking my hand around stairs and difficult terrain so I dont fall. he can drive when I cant. and he can keep an eye on me when I get confused.

I am still working to improve my condition with supplements, sleep, exercise, and other self care. but I dont know how much longer I will remain "independent". I am already a burden on my young daughter. we need help. and support. and she needs another adult in her life. and I need someone to keep an eye on me. like the other day when he stopped me from walking in front of a huge truck.

at the same time I want to be very fair to this great guy and not misrepresent my situation. nor do I want to drop a baggage bomb so big or in such a way that we dont have a conversation. controlled disclosure.

he has asked questions but I havent been ready to talk about everything yet. some disclosure on his side but not as much. I dont know if he has less to disclose or is holding back. 3 months isn't long enough to really know someone. usually he sees me during the day when i am at my best. in the evenings my struggles with cognition, aphasia, balance, and gait all worsen.

I guess it's time to further develop the conversation.

thank you for the support guys.