Need Help Confirming If This Is Dissociation

I don't believe there is anything triggering in this post, but I still ask for everyone to approach with a little caution in case there is something. I don't know very many terms or anything, so I'm sorry if something I say is wrong.

(If this post duplicates, I'm also sorry. This device has been a pain the past week or so...)

Almost two weeks ago, I suffered a very odd "blackout" experience. I have not gone to any therapy (due to finances) so I don't have any diagnosis of something it can possibly be like PTSD/DID/Etc., but I wanted to see if what I experienced was similar to anything so I can find ways to cope and approach the situation should it happen again before I'm finally able to afford real help.

While casually scrolling online, I suddenly got really...floaty? As if I was on a cloud, everything I saw was in a haze. I slowly slipped into this trance-like, dreamy area where I relived old memories from months ago. However, these older memories felt so real it was like they were happening all over again, yet still covered in this, now dense, fog. Eventually I felt this pull, as if I was being slowly pushed through a cotton wall back into reality. The floating feeling came and left. I was left on my computer chair in this heavy daze. I did see I had somehow opened old, saddening messages from a really traumatic time.

From the time of the last family interaction I had and the moment I checked the time after, I lost about half an hour to an hour of time. Just, gone. I remember thinking "Well, I'm fine. I know my birthdate (recited it to myself correctly) and today is the 6th of Feb". When I went to confirm if the date was correct, I saw it was actually late March. Writing and walking were difficult. I remember that writing and texting were difficult, as if I forgot how. I'd go to write on paper, and forget how my "y" is done, etc.

For the next two hours or so, I couldn't remember any event in Feb or March. Once I realized this, I grabbed my planner and phone (both were placed in my line of sight which was very helpful for that moment). I sat on the bathroom floor and opened my planner to the note taking section of March. I texted friends/family, asking if there were any important events I needed to remember. I wrote everything that was sent to me down. It would take me a long time to write everything down. Every few minutes, I would go into a panic and had to get up and walk around the bedroom to calm down.

I went to the doctor for this that same day. They took blood and strongly suggested therapy. They wondered if I may have drifted to sleep, but that doesn't add up since I had opened those messages while I was "unconscious". You know how when we talk, the head makes those vibrations so we can hear a lower pitched version of our voice in real time in our head? During the talk with the doctor, I would go to speak, get a few words out, then my voice would jam. What I heard in my head was not my voice at all. I didn't recognize it, but I could tell my mouth was moving, so it was mine. I'd lose my train of thought easily.

If nothing I'm saying makes sense, I'm sorry. It's really hard to explain. I confused the doctor a lot (I don't have a primary, so it was just an urgent care one). I got a lot of confused/concerned looks.

After about two days, most things came back to me, but I still have a few holes missing. If it helps, the messages I had open were from Feb 16th ish, so this stressing/sad event is a very recent, damaging situation.

When speaking to a family member, they asked if I had a PTSD attack or maybe dissociation caused by DID. I told them I couldn't tell, I don't know enough about the experiences those who have it go through to tell. My knowledge lacks in the most in dissociation and how it feels, which is ultimately how I decided to make this post.

I did have severe traumatic events from roughly 4-18 years old. It could've started later than that (like but that is seeming to be less likely. At age 4, I began having a strong hatred for a close caregiver (don't live with biological parents). It never left me, even until today. I'm just stuck on hating them and I don't know what made me so upset back then (keep in mind this caregiver was the cause of trauma for all the rest of my years). When I mentioned it to my other caregiver, about how overnight I hated the other, they seemed slightly awkward/nervous and tried to dodge around it a little. The trauma was indirectly affecting me, but still had a horrible consequence on me mentally. Some direct things happened to me, but I don't want to accidentally hurt anyone by giving any detail, so I won't go into it. I don't think they were too horrible of happenings, but the direct actions still hurt me deeply. 80% of direct problems were from the living caregiver, while 20% was from the one who passed, so the passed one was responsible for about 90% of direct problems I had.

I'm spacing off and losing my train of thought, concentration, and recent memories even more now. When thinking os something, sometimes I'll lose my thought quickly, like someone sweeped in and snatched it all in seconds. When I try to remember what I was thinking, it would feel like it was about to give me a headache or pain. My stuttering is worsening and I "derail" off my train of thought every few words or so. I've also noticed that my gender identity is different than what I actually am and I don't identify with what I see in the mirror at all. I've had these feelings before, but they are increasing ten fold now. Example would be "I think I'm more male/female" to "I don't agree with this gender and body at all". My name is different than my legally given name (If it helps, you can refer to me by "K"/he). I have hazy memories of when I was younger, but when I'd share them to family members, they'd say my memories didn't actually happen. My voice still doesn't always match what I want it to sound like (not in a recording sense, but in the vibrations in your head sense).

I have had voices say my legal name and voices randomly yell, but they sound more external than internal. I've also had sudden urges, like a "voiceless voice" trying to get me to do something than instant. Some online sources have talked about knowing alters from pretend/imaginary play. I used to do that heavily up through younger teens years as a escape mechanic. I got good enough to where I'd "cloud" out reality and "see" this fake world I created. Family has mentioned before than I can act like a different person sometimes, but we aren't sure if that can be trusted information (because of the person themselves). There have been times where I have used "we" instead of "I", when it feels more comfortable to say. This is really left field, but when I sit and think "what other person can be in this body?", a name starting with "R" (male name) pops up in my head a lot. I don't think those previous occurrences are related to what happened, but I'm throwing them out there in case they actually are.

I'm not trying for an online diagnosis. I wanted to reach out to you all and see if what I experienced is similar to what you guys experienced. I want to find ways to rein it in and gain control in case this develops further before I can get professional help. If there truly are multiple alters in this body, I want to contact them as soon as possible so we can all help each other, instead of being distant like this. Thank you so, so much for reading this mess and I hope all of you are doing okay.

The fact that a family member asked you if it was a PTSD attack (by which I guess they mean a flashback) or dissociation caused by DID (sounds like it was both), is very striking. It's generally not the first thing a lay person would think of, for sure. Do they think (or already know) that you have DID? Does part of you already know for sure and been open about it, and you don't remember?

TricycleCakez wrote:If there truly are multiple alters in this body, I want to contact them as soon as possible so we can all help each other, instead of being distant like this.

That is exactly the right approach. You can try journaling--writing down your sincere wish to get to know them better, and asking questions about them. Nothing deep--just like you wouldn't dive into probing questions with a new acquaintance. You can ask about interests, preferences, how they see themselves, etc. Increasing communication is the best way to help decrease amnesia in the present.

Because of the pandemic, I think it's actually easier to get in touch with a DID specialist--many therapists are available for video sessions, and most experts are willing to do initial consultations and give you a preliminary opinion, and perhaps a local referral if they know one.

I'm sorry you went through such a scary experience. And welcome to the forum. There are many wise people here, and it's overall very friendly and supportive.

When it comes to the family member, it isn't something I know people would normally jump to. Every single close relative to me has some sort of mental health condition, most share the same one, but there are a few members who have various different ones, too. My whole family is probably more aware of this type of thing than most people. At this point, I think they are all waiting to see what I could end up having, it is getting that normal to us. I do believe a cousin and a friend were in combat in the 2000s, so if they have PTSD (I don't know them well personally), that could be where the family member got that. It's also common for us to teach each other new conditions we've learned about or talk in-depth about the ones that are present in the family (we also do the same thing with disabilities like deafness. Most of us, minus me, are taught some sign language at a young age now). DID had been briefly brought up once and the family member in question was the most interested in it, they talked with me about it and watched a few advocates from YouTube. I wouldn't be surprised if they figured I could have something at least similar (important information with this: this member is the same one who is the most confident in saying I act differently sometimes). Now that I think about it, I understand why it would be so intriguing for them to suggest those.

I left a note on the cover of my planner and placed it in an easy place to spot from anywhere in the room. It should lead anyone to the section where I wrote my whole "I wanna be able to talk and know you better" section that has just a few simple questions at the bottom. I answered the same questions myself, too, so they can learn.

I'm due to move soon. I can sick very easily so my family is helping me emergency move from sharing a home with an essential worker to family members who work from home (the worker's company doesn't supply masks/gloves to workers and there's rumors of some getting sick and the building being cleaned). Once I get up there, I'll start looking for specialists.

In honesty, I didn't want to make this original posting because I figured that happened would have zero links to either of the conditions I was suggested. Seeing what you said gives a little more closure that this could be the correct direction to search down. I started questioning if I had just made it up or faked it when, after countless explanations, I couldn't get the doctor to understand what I was meaning. It was confusing for both sides. This gives more comfort.