Rive's journey thread

Rive wrote:Thanks Sarandipty


Weird thing happened to me yesterday. I had emailed my homework to my therapist. Asking if people can really forget their trauma. I sent it at about two o'clock. Then at 1130 at night I was like what I'm talking about I'm DID of course you can

When you have a realisation moment like that you have to aim to remember them. That's why I write alot of stuff here. If I write on paper I throw it away. My laptop's at some point usually end up smashed etc. So even if it's "an alter said they...." Internally and it doesn't have anything to do with real life I try to write it because it makes a whole picture.

But the realisation moments are odd because for a few moments you are clear and you "know" what you're saying or thinking and for a few seconds everything makes sense but then often I found they're just gone again.

Everything seems dreamy to me today like I could of made everything up so I still come here so I can at least look and have some level of awareness.

It's good to have those realisation moments though.

Thanks Sarandipity. Another strange thing happened last night. I had closed my eyes and was trying to sleep. When someone asked "Did you go to sleep?"Which woke me up from dozing off.

Has that ever happened to anyone else?

Rive wrote:How can I have no memory of this for 30+ years?

Rive, I just wanted to let you know that others of us have asked the same question, although my time span was even longer. I stopped asking it a couple years ago but the first 4-5 years or so I asked it all the time as a rhetorical question to nobody in particular, even though I knew the answer: because that's how DID works.

Thanks Johnny Jack. Does anyone know how I would access my inner world? Most of my thought insertions are from someone doing something I know nothing about. Not literally, like I don't do something for real and not remember then find evidence I did. Just maybe I do in my inner world but can't see it. Like today I was thinking about getting Tylenol. Then all the sudden the thoughts said Mommy, (the littles refer to me as Mommy) I did Easter eggs! (I dont like using the word voices, they are not voices and to refer to them as such is dishonest) I'm just writing this as a explanation not to get into a discussion about it.

I found that speaking aloud what I just heard inside would sometimes get some feedback that was useful. For me, hearing something inside is different from hearing someone speaking outside, as I think it is for you.

I learned pretty quickly that for us, speaking aloud worked better than other approaches. That may not work for all systems or at all times, and in fact it doesn't always work for us. In your case, I might say "hi, little one, I just heard you say you did Easter eggs. Do you have a name? Can you tell me what your name is?" And then wait and "listen" inside for any answer. If no answer, maybe a "I sure wish I could see those Easter eggs, I'll bet they're colorful."

You may have structural barriers of some kind inside that don't always allow smooth, continual conversation. We do. When I ask a question or make a statement out loud, I might hear nothing, I might get something garbled (maybe something like two people mumbling at the same time), or I might get a direct response to what I said. Sometimes someone else, usually older, will answer for a little. Maybe they're able to hear better or get through more easily.

Sometimes I'll respond in sentence thoughts inside that I'm intending to be heard or received by others. I have to direct my communications. I can't just think muddy thoughts on my own because my own thoughts rarely get put into full sentences that you'd speak to somebody outside the body. When I'm thinking for myself I might start with "Oh, i have to go back..." and then my thinking turns into more of an image of what I need to do once I get there or I might have just a feeling for what I'd do. I've found others can't pick up those kinds of thoughts very well if at all.

When I'm trying to communicate with alters, I find I need to send something as clear as I can, and I'm much more deliberate and intentional. More welcoming, patient, and flexible maybe? Our communication isn't that smooth but we have learned to communicate quickly without words over the years. I can't explain how that happened, we're just closer.

I don't know if any of that helped. I would say that if what you've been doing hasn't worked to your satisfaction, you'll want to ask yourself what your intention is (do you really want to communicate) and you'll have to keep trying, both trying the same way you have and looking for new ways too. Also, you can try asking for assistance from "anyone else who can help or who wants to say something."

Thanks! I'm not very patient but I will try to be more patient with them.

I do what Johnny-Jack said but I think the reply. No-one (the alter) says it out loud which I then think (if I'm present) stop talking out loud people will think you're crazy and she says "shut up nobody is here, stupid" We all need to talk nicer to eachother.

The other thing that helps is that sometimes they'll show me something that's gone on internally - it's like having an imagination of it that you can interact and ask questions about but you're not in control of it - like they are replaying it but I've only been able to see that with internal stuff from when they showed me external stuff I had forgotten or not known of or been aware of.

But it is all to do with barriers. The more you try by asking questions the more communication develops and the barriers lessen. It's like practice.

At first I started by writing in a book a question. I knew different parts had different religion for example so I asked "who believes in which religion?" And I got written replies back. Then I'd ask the next question. Eventually because some of mine get angry quick it turned into an argument and they wripped it all up. But that's how I started off, writing questions.

Some time last year I asked (internally not in writing) what's going on in the inner world. Mandy eventually drew a picture of what was going on at that time.

So it's worth to ask the questions and trial and error will find what suits you.

Thanks Sarandipity and Johnny Jack. Johnny Jack what do you mean your own thoughts are rarely in complete sentences?

Also this is for anyone in general. Isn't there some thing were you can't see images? Aphantasia? How would you know if that was the case?

My therapist said when Thorne showed up she thinks my authentic self showed up as well. I was 14. How can alters come at that age? Can people with DID have a authentic self?