Quarentine

They thought they would roll along with the relationship and eventually I'd give in because "I like to help people" Well sorry, not sorry, no. I help people who are helpful to me. For example with the younger kids Dad he would calm me down. Yeah I'd help him with stuff, 50/50, like it's supposed to be as much as possible but this ex guy isn't like that. I used to get really stressed when my eldest son got to teenage and he was alot of problems. One time, more than one time actually, he was involved somehow in stabbings at school. I was "that's it I can't cope, I'm putting him in care" and the younger kids Dad would talk me down, support me and even went to meetings alone once or twice to support my older son who isn't his. This ex guy would of shipped him off on the first bus to a care home. Not a person I would ever be interested in. So I didn't give into them and I'm not giving in now either. If I can do three years refusing to go along with their BS then I can put my foot down now.


They are trying to convince me that this trouble guy is my soul mate. Firstly he isn't. Secondly I don't believe in magical soul mates. Thirdly if he was my soul mate I'd still want him to jog on. In the brief interaction I've had with him he's told me stuff I already know and when I'm like "yeah I know" he still continues to ram it down my throat. People like that irritate me. The guy I'm choosing to talk to can discuss and if I say "yeah I know" he accepts that I do indeed know and the discussion proceeds in a helpful, educational and interesting manor. No-one is piping in and thank God she's on my side, she said they are all mad if they think we're going with the trouble guy. And to say what she's saying about the other guy, she's basically saying he's a good guy, go there because I get on with him.

They have really messed up ideas of what is a good idea man wise and what is a bad idea. I'd like them to stay out of it really. Like I said they do all have partners internally. Karen and Peter split up because of internal roles taking president and they are both quite solitary anyway. Karen only becomes an issue externally if she suddenly wants a random hook up, I will deal with that if she gets that want but even she isn't an outside relationship person. Also usually she does respect the relationship the body is in so she's not a cheat risk. She just might want sex now and again, which I don't begrudge her anyway.

I wishing they'll stay out of this. Not force things towards the trouble guy. Let me develop a relationship with someone for once.

I think it's their fear. Like they still feel like there is a need for a dangerous partner because of our parents. But there isn't that need anymore. We don't need that support or protection from them. So I can finally date a nerdy geeky guy who is kind and funny instead of these bad boy types like I have been trying to do since I was about 12 lol. I had all the crushes on the geeky shy boys and never got to even tell one of them. So I think it's my turn not Fortunes turn to try to find Batch externally when he's already there internally. Let me for once have a friendship that might become more with a geeky shy guy. And allow this bad boy nonsense. I think No-one was typing with me. Anyway. Peace Off, Sarah.

So they have all been a bit crazy today. First of all somebody got upset about Ty again. I think it was one of the "me" alters. There's two who just call themselves me. It's not Beth who was upset because Beth regressed too much to be upset. For Beth it's like years didn't happen.

This upset triggered some confusion because I argued with whoever was upset. I think that was my mistake. I tried to let them be upset but it was too late after I said "someone you never met or is imaginary" I picked the wrong words. I should of said nothing.

Then No-one switched in and started to have a shower but then some kind of internal dialogue about our eldest son put her off but I didn't catch what it was. Pat then came briefly but mostly to help No-one back. Basically this morning was a s#it show.

The upset about Ty is difficult to deal with because it makes no sense to me (Sarah). I do try to go with it but it's very odd. No part has ever grieved any loss like this, ever over anything. So the fact nobody has ever laid eyes on this "person" makes it really difficult because grieving over an internal part is madness, they usually come back.

Anyway I know I've had a shower and washed my hair and got dressed. A call came in from Germany, that was odd, but internationally calls do sometimes happen for various reasons. They hung up when I answered so I guess it wasn't somebody I know. Probably a marketing call. That's basically when I fully came back.

I have stuff to do. But I wanted to log that it was a bit crazy this morning. Hopefully I can deal with grief better next time. Sarah

That's what is tough with the "disappearing" of a part or an alter: there is no place or words or anything in our societies to help us go through this kind of pain. Even if they can eventually come back, when we don't know when, we miss them, and nothing in this world helps us nor prepares us to deal with it.

Sending moral support!

--Zami--

Thanks Zami.

I logged on to write this that I just realized in quarentine.

Till this last bf I was basically normal living a normal life. Even though I didn't feel normal and normal was like an aim I was basically normal.

Since him I feel like I can't go back to normal. I can't undo the amount of dissociative barriers he caused to be broken giving alters easier access to eachother. I can't undo that SA abuse memory is now there. I can't undo all of that "knowing"

It's absolutely horrible. I used to be able to drift in and out of awareness of others, of worries of if my childhood was worse than I already had remembered and that was bad enough without the SA. I used to be able to pretty much breeze through anything and just live.

I feel like that has been completely taken away from me literally starting because he noticed I had alters - he didn't know alters he said "I feel like I'm arguing with your husband and not you" I think because he upset Rose and then Patrick switched in and the Mandy took it upon herself to tell him all about it. Which she's a child so it wasn't wrong or bad I think she just saw an opportunity to talk to someone openly and took it.

So I do blame him for taking that away from me. From taking the ability to breeze through life unhindered about abuse and only occasionally worrying about alters - if they did something or I couldn't remember something or someone bought something but I could pretty much live and not notice it often at all although I knew they were there intermittently. Now I never can have that back. It's absolutely terrible. So while they grieve the loss of Ty, which I would probably know nothing about if dissociative barriers weren't so low now I am grieving the loss of my life. I do feel like I've lost my life. How am I supposed to live like this or with it. Sarah

I know it hurts. Living with the pain, mourning the normality we feel we have lost, hurts.

But, what hurts more is, not knowing the hurt is here. Because, once we know the hurt is here, we can start focusing on healing it.

You have headmates to worry about now, but they can also worry about you. Care for you. There is a lot of things going on, but you are together to deal with it. You can support each-others. You have others to talk to, who are going through similar things than you do. They can understand you.

Living with it is not easy. But, it is not impossible. It is difficult, yet feasible.

Take one day at a time. You can do it.

#Uriel#

ArbreMonde wrote:I know it hurts. Living with the pain, mourning the normality we feel we have lost, hurts.

But, what hurts more is, not knowing the hurt is here. Because, once we know the hurt is here, we can start focusing on healing it.

You have headmates to worry about now, but they can also worry about you. Care for you. There is a lot of things going on, but you are together to deal with it. You can support each-others. You have others to talk to, who are going through similar things than you do. They can understand you.

Living with it is not easy. But, it is not impossible. It is difficult, yet feasible.

Take one day at a time. You can do it.

#Uriel#

Thank you for this reply Urial. Sarah will see it at some point. She did just live her life oblivious and not know anything. Occasionally realise there was others but then forget again. She won't do that's now I feel, there's been three years of talking about alters. Not to a therapist but it's still talking and it seems that stays in the body. I have to write something we need to note from quarentine reflections. It started off being written, this reply, by one of the "me's" but I had to take over because they were getting carried away and I want this noted. Thanks, No-one.

So I'm going to try to pass back to the "me" who was writing this because she'll write it better but if I can't and this gets written jumbled then apologies.

So in quarentine and since being not in the relationship with the ex, he's a frenemy, I shared some stuff. Oh hang on... No-one

**TW SEXUALITY OF ALTERS**

As No-one was saying she came back and shared some stuff. Beth and No-one are in a relationship. They are lesbians. When with the first ever bf they would have sex with him together, he became part of their relationship.









Karen just tried to speak for me and this is my biggest problem with Karen. She thinks she can say stuff and everyone in the system has to take it on board. I'm sick of it. Wtf are we gonna do about Karen. I can just hear my father's voice over and over saying "you need to put Karen to sleep" which makes me not want to because that was actually my first thought. No-one

V


**TW MENTION OF RAPE*"


Ok, going by a process of elimination and also the hearing my father's voice over and over I'm concluding that Karen was abused the most and that's why she is so messed up.


I had to breaks writing this next bit.


I deleted alot. Basically Karen was attention seeking, $#%^ stirring and I got to the bottom of it. Karen wants justice and retribution. She has from small. Now the rape by the father at 18 makes sense. Because it didn't till now. Whoever it was "enjoyed it" or at least put on one hell of a show. And then Karen said along the lines of "I have you now, think you can get away with this at my age" but then the father said "Karen" so he knew who was who. Yeah. Then he said "you need to put Karen to sleep" and that's when No-one switched in and was in the middle of verbally threatening the father of reporting him to the police but was already walking down the stairs and didn't actually know what happened and ended up finishing the sentence with "or you didn't rape me, I don't know but if you did I'm going to use it against you somehow in the future" because that is No-one. One in the back pocket for later. So when we shut No-one out at 19 which was when we ended up in hospital unable to speak at all, starving ourselves, self harming, we lost the whole memory. Once she was back the fragment of Karen's memory and No-ones clicked and we all saw exactly what happened except because it seemed so unbelievable - enjoying it and then using a strange threat where we weren't sure what happened all of us doubted the whole thing. No-one thought he just beat her a bit and then stopped. Karen kept saying what happened but we do unfairly kind of disregard her but she showed us exactly what happened. But now it makes sense.

And Karen keeps f'in with us all, trying to make internal argument because she wants retribution and justice. Which is fair. She deserves retribution and justice. And obviously because it's Karen she wants a whole damn court case with news papers which I know sounds terrible, I got guys in here feeling sick at the thought. But we need the mother too, she is worse. I know. Karen won't be satisfied with anything else, she'll feel cheated. And we have to live with Karen so we better get our ######6 $#%^ together.

I wouldn't say I've noticed this but I've heard that this body or system or being whatever has two mindsets.

The first, the one I experience, "I do not give a F what happened to me. I will live my life however the F I like. Anyone who doesn't like it can kiss my ass as I walk away" It feels like whatever happened to me as a kid makes me stronger, defiant and focused.

Then the second mindset which I don't experience but I've heard about is along the lines of "life is a terrible pointless waste of time. We can't do anything good or right. We have suffered. Are suffering and will suffer. Let's lay down and die"

That might not be an exact expression of it but that kind of feeling apparently. Someone told me what to write so it's probably accurate. There is a middle ground of indifference. A calmer state of mind where we just be.

So I can see why they diagnosed bipolar. I can see why they diagnosed schitzophrenia too. I can see from how I describe how I feel and things I experience that they diagnose me with all the things they diagnose me with. I don't tell them about alters etc except that psychotherapist about ten years ago, twelve years ago and she told me dissociation when I'd forget and she met Karen and the twins. I should of got her to put it to the psychiatrist but at the time I was terrified of being seen as crazier and the thought of being exposed as having alters was horrifying. Now it doesn't bother me so much. I find it a bit cringey and uncomfortable and I wouldn't want people in my life to know still because I think it complicates things but I feel ok about telling the psychiatrist.

My aspect of way of being that I described above and there are other alters that have this aspect feels masculine. I don't know if it is masculine but it feels masculine. I'm a woman body and a female alter but my feeling of attitude to life feels masculine.

Hang on I just remembered...we read a book "men are from Mars and women are from Venus" we preferred alot of the male ways of looking at things and started using "male" language described in that book eg "can" is female, "will" is male. We practiced how males react, the female parts anyway, and then slowly we felt it and had it naturally. That's why some of female parts are more masculine feeling like me and No-one. Karen kind of dwells in the middle ground and can go either way. Beth and Rose stayed more in the female way of being and they irritate men. Anyway. We thought it'd make life easier. It has for the most part. Probably if we could get all the others over to this then they might have an easier time. I dunno it's their choice though and it took alot to do. To alter your perception, how you talk, how you cope with things and to get used to it so it becomes natural.

For example women need to talk about stuff and get everything out to process. Men are more likely to sit and think to themselves or to sit half watching TV while they process to themselves. I personally used to be very talky and had to talk stuff through in great detail. Now I sit and think. If I can't resolve it like that then I'll ask someone. Like for days i was thinking something through and not getting anywhere so I asked the ex and he said ask the person directly. Might seem simple but it wasn't till he said that. Then he be'd a dick and I spent the last two days silently being angry at him. It wares off and then it comes back again - like waves. I gotta wait for the waves to calm down. I can't write or do anything much that I don't absolutely have to do because I gotta wait for the angery waves to go. I shouted at him at the time but I want to batter him, that's illegal and stuff so I'll have to wait the anger out.

Someone asked the route of the problem: he has a racist, sexist attitude.

Can't change a person's core beliefs. I'd explain more and how but putting the energy to it is a waste. Anger is energy. Without beating him up I dunno where to put the energy so I'm riding it out. Right now I feel like it won't go unless I beat the crap out of him but I know that it will eventually go because I've done this before. Eventually it'll calm. It'll just be if I see him that I feel immediately angry. I hate racism and sexism. I have since I was a tiny kid...for a reason I cba to explain.

Anyway that's my so far observations. Sarah

So the ex: team meeting on my problem with him.

My view is I don't want a racist around me or a sexist but I have tolerance for sexism. Not racism. I'm a white alter.

So I asked Fortune. She is black, mixed race. She said it's everywhere, racism, and you can't rule people out based on it because they have other attributes. Her veiw is everyone is a bit racist.

My veiw with that is you need to aknowledge it or it becomes a weakness.

No-one actually put it in quite a good analogy. Which I will share but she just told me this which is useful info: she told the bf she is mixed race and then observed that his attitude changed from one of compassion to one of disdain. No-one is a white alter btw. Now that is F'd because I am white bodied but when he thought she was black under this white skin his attitude changed. F'd up. He didn't have a problem with Peter who is...wtf is Peter...some kind of Buddhist monk, the OL wasn't specific with his personna there... anyway. So his racism is against black people only it seems.

Her analogy (No-one) of how sexism is a weakness to highlight how isms are weaknesses and I was like yeah it's a ######6 weakness if you let it cloud your perseption F that everyone is racist to degrees if what Fortune says is right: two masked assailants commit an armed robbery, they are masked, they are wearing thick clothing, they also are very violent to the victim. Everyone assumes it's a male because their bodies are adequately hidden and the violence level was so high. The police look for males. It was women. And they are not caught. Because people are weakened by stereotypes and perseption.

Then Trouble read a transcript from someone else's life who we know and also investigated the whole thing slightly out of interest: A guy is managing dealers, he's the boss. Drugs go missing. The dealers all know why. Two of them have wives who are taking their drugs. Alot so it becomes a problem and they can't work enough to make money to cover the wives ussage. One is white, one is black. The white guy was also using. The black guy wasn't. The black guy eventually gets rid of his wife. The white guy doesn't. The boss eventually asks what's happening. The white guy and the black guy have been friends from kids. The black guy has no dependants, the white guy has a baby on the way and nine other children. Most of them think the black guy is stupid which he is a bit because his dad used to beat him alot around the head but he is a decent person although can possibly become violent but not to women. The white guy asks the black guy to take the blame. The black guy does because the other guy has kids. But the black guy works his ass off, sells more and isn't a user. They tell the boss it's the black guy who has lost them money. He just believes them because he is blinded by racism. Common sense would tell you it's nonsense because the black guy got rid of the woman taking the drugs, doesn't take drugs and has no dependants. The white guy still with a user, is a user and has 9 dependents. Who took the drugs? Easy but not if your blinded by racism and the misconception that the black guy wouldn't help his white friend out because he has less to loose. So the black guy takes a beating and the white guy gets to carry on robbing. The boss now looks like a prick. All because he was blinded by racism. To add the white guy is an ass hole. The black guy gets exploited and the piss taken out of him alot because he is a bit stupid but he is a hard worker and is trustworthy. That's what they exploit. Which is really f'in stupid. Look after a guy like that and he's alot more useful than to take a beating for an asshole who needed a beating. The boss is the major liability because of that racism weakness. The black guy liked him despite knowing he was racist, didn't blame him for believing it was him and didn't blame the guy he took the beating for because he said he chose to do it. The white guy thought it was funny and mocked him and the black guy could of exposed him to his wife but didn't. That was really impressive to watch because he managed his anger incredibly well. That is...I can't think of the right word.. it's integrity, loyalty, taking responsibility for your own choices, an open mind because he could put others discrimination to one side and still do what he felt was right. Alot of respect for that guy.

Anyway

Ism's are weaknesses. Awareness of ism's is necessary to have an open clear perspective. So that's why I hate sexism and racism. Fortune may have a point that I deal with sexism because I'm used to it but have lower tolerance for racism because I don't experience it. I did experience feeling racist after I got beaten up repeatedly by Africans who were supposed to be nurses but I got over it by challenging my own thoughts. It's those individuals, not a whole race - simple. I know alot of violent white people and ones who would steal off you so it's the same thing - individual not whole group. But for a breif while I was traumatized and had bad feeling towards all Africans but like I said that is stupid and a weakness so it had to be destroyed in my psyche. Which is what we do with any weakness, guys kissing was gros so we made ourselves get over it - what's the difference of guys or women or a guy and a women. No difference really but that was alot harder to get over than when we was temporarily traumatized by Africans...and one Jamaican woman...she was the ring leader...one of the men tried to stop her but she was in charge so she sent him away and the others just did what she said. Anyway. I don't even personally hate her now I look back and see it as sort of funny. Wrong obviously but personally funny to me. So I've experienced feeling blinded by racism due to that trauma but I haven't experienced racism other than being judged as possibly racist by other races but I can't hold that against them because I'm white.

For us skin colour attention is stupid. We are a species like all other species. To use dogs as an example or cats, cats are cats they mate with other cats regardless of the colour of the other cat. Cats don't all team up in groups of colour it's F'in stupid. If they team up, which I have seen cats do when my cat got attacked by a staff, I've never seen so many cats here it was actually really creepy. My cat got attacked but ran from the house. When I went to look for her the street was lined with cats all sitting along the edge of the pavement and up on roofs. I didn't know that many cats lived around here. Any way if cats team up they team up together because they are cats - and in the case of my cat because she was bitten by a dog. The other cats stopped fighting her after that. I think because she survived being in the mouth of a staf they left her alone. So why humans hold racism in their mind or even mention it other than for descriptive purposes is beyond me. But they do so it's annoying.

I still want to punch him in the face over his sexism. Sarah.

Just a message to tell you we read you and found all of yours thoughts interesting. Now we are thinking about it all, too.

--Zami--