Corona Confessions

I dunno why I'm writing this but I feel a need to get it out. Maybe it's because I had swine flu when Karen was pregnant with the youngest son and I think ###$ I might get this and will I make it.


**TRIGGER WARNING: Possibly triggering sex**

So I get turned on by Rose having sex with the bf. She doesn't do it often because he annoys her but when she does I like it. I think that's why I keep him around even though I would love to smash that guy right in his ######6 hernia, I even started to convince myself I had a hernia so it'd be fair and I wouldn't feel so bad smacking him there, because he's a snidey little prick grass who can't make up his mind which side his bread is buttered. I told him last night, cops and robbers is a game I avoid. I care about three things, money, my home and my kids. That's how he pisses me off, get me nicked for tapping you in the face but don't mess with those three things. I decide what is good for my son, I've reported him to the police when he actually needs reigning in a bit but this prick doesn't get to decide that.

Anyway that's personally why I keep him around. Basic needs.

I had some rough times in this system some years ago. When the host first thought "maybe I was abused as a child and that's why I'm messed up how I am" nearly every part turned on me pressuring me that maybe I want to abuse kids. I can't punch them around, they're in this head with me. So under immense pressure they forced me to look at whether I was secretly like that. I can tell you, more than any other person probably could because they forced me to consider it at length, that the answer is no. I have zero interest in it. I like women but I'm in a woman's body with man wants so it's not feasible. Lesbianism doesn't interest me. So how I get my kicks is Rose having sex. Then I do kind of wanna beat the bf up afterwards but that's my problem. He does enough actually a-hole stuff that occasionally I get a justified reason to want to hurt him but in my defense I don't hurt him. I'd prefer Rose was just having one night stands but Rose has this old fashioned sensibility about her so it's only ever really Karen who will do that and Karen doesn't interest me, Karen is like a daughter.

When we had a threesome with another woman all I kept thinking was "No-one (the alter) would love this" She was always trying to get a gf as a teenager and never managed it. Once I was present in the body I just had a drink of whiskey, thought about how No-one was missing out on sex with a woman - again- because she missed it the other time but Beth didn't miss it, Beth is bi and sex with a woman in our early 20's- smoked a cigarette and went to sleep while the bf carried on f'in this other woman. Didn't really interest me to see that but I do like to watch Rose from the inside. No-one is a lesbian but wasn't around at that time. She said she isn't bothered she missed it but I think secretly she is bothered. She has had sex with the bf twice herself. She said if she feels emotionally close to a guy she can and she can enjoy it but it's more out of need than want. If she feels like she needs it she will settle for a guy if she feels emotionally close to him. Another reason to keep the guy around, No-one is used to him. No-one is very shy and defensive.

I guess also personally I can have a verbally strong disagreement with him and he doesn't flower - back down like a pansy. That's good for me, not good for others. And it's a problem if I can feel other parts who get very upset by confrontation are near. I don't like confrontation but sometimes it's necessary in life and I can argue. Paul has better words and sometimes I get prompts. In the group for example when I went into one I lost track of my point - they were sacrificing many deserving people by allowing one non deserving person. But I got a prompt "maths" that's all they said internally and I said "yeah so maths...." I can verbalise what other parts can't and when it comes to an argument that's needed verbalising their thoughts is what I'm good at. At the same time if there was a relationship with a Pansy then it doesn't work or anyone with follower type brain.

We was with this guy for 6 months. Basically he was homeless and out of work (because he was a drug dealer, didn't take drugs, and his boss got all butt hurt because his gf left him so this guy was f'd). I got it into my head that I was gonna be a wanker about a minor court case I had. "this guy" (my oldest boy called him "this guy" lol he'd point at him and say "this guy mum" because the guy was a bit thick but it was funny) didn't stop me. I crazily was stupid over a minor court case because I was so annoyed by the whole thing and "this guy" said nothing and let me do it. So I can't be in a relationship with someone who can't have an opinion on what I'm doing because he's too stupid and when push came to shove, literally, he had no verbal argument skills. I can't do it. Sometimes you need to heatedly sound things out.

Anyway I wanted to get the sex thing off my chest and yeah I do feel a bit #######5 about it because it's a bit odd but in life you have to play the cards you're dealt to the best of your ability and cheat if necessary when you want to win. So I do. I think it's also why me and Paul are always so near the edge of anger, it's like being a eunac, dunno if I spelt that right, constantly and till we die sexually frustrated because we're not ever gonna have a sex change, we believe put up with what you're born as and also wouldn't want to do that to the women in the system, they'd hate it. None of us care if other people have sex changes but it's not for us so we live like this and obviously that does not make us the most relaxed people. The Overlord, who is male, gets around it all somehow but he's unique in the head and age slides and sex changes. I guess me and Paul don't have that kind of imagination. Paul does the same thing as me except he gets off telling Karen "you deserve to only ever look at @@@@" and stuff like that, Karen likes all that. I don't like that with Rose, I just like her to enjoy herself and when she does she really really does. Shame the bf annoys her and upsets her alot but then sometimes I think she just pretends that to make me feel better.

If the admin don't want to post this that's ok. I just needed to get it out but if it's not appropriate or too difficult for other systems then obviously don't post it.

Thanks,

Pat