Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

There is one thing I can say for sure: you are not crazy.

What you are going through can feel overwhelming, difficult to face, you might need a lot of time to sort your thoughts and emotions, to understand what is happening, but you are not crazy.

You may need time. You may need help to sort through everything and understand your alters. But you are not crazy.

#Uriel#

Thank you #Uriel#! We greatly appreciate your kind words!


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How we are right now:

Well, I'm feeling spacey right now. We didn't get much sleep last night. Well actually, now that I think about it, I think at least 4.5 hours, so it wasn't that bad. BUT I'm not 100% sure (several of us were out at times). Someone might have stayed up longer. I don't know. We feel tired. Might need to take a nap. We weren't in a hurry to go to sleep (last night), due to stressing out about our upcoming appointment (with our T).


I might write more later. Too tired right now.

Some are tired yet, others aren't. Interesting. I don't know what's worse though. Actually, I take that back. Our tiredness isn't nearly as bad as the pain we have in our ankles. How lovely. I don't know why, but both ankles are in excruciating pain. UGH! This happens every so often.

I feel a little sick, due to switching a lot, today. The pain doesn't help any. We were mad at our T. Our protectors got triggered. One kinda got "smart" with our T due to what our T said.

Trigger warning

Our T was trying to demand that we do something, and wouldn't listen to us, that's why our protectors were triggered. A lot of us were watching as the protectors kinda argued with our T for awhile. One of them told our T that we'll just walk out then. When our T looked shocked by that, they told our T that it's because of what they are demanding. They told our T that by insisting on that, that disrespects the one that our T wants to come out. They (our protectors) said that we definitely aren't having her come out now. (Even though, before the appointment, she actually changed her mind, and considered coming out). She is one of the most "fragile" during this time of the year. We didn't want her to come out now, due to fear that she would get really upset.

The protectors were mad. Some more so than the others. The one the most upset didn't want to answer some of our T's questions. Yes, they got stubborn, but it was because of tensions building before this appointment. They (those protectors) kept to what they were trying to say. Finally our T actually backed down. Our T said that they weren't trying to upset us.

End Trigger warning


After the whole initial issue, one of the others came out. A lot of us (including the protectors) watched from a distance (some a lot closer to the front though). The appointment wasn't so bad now. Mainly due to how the protectors told our T how they felt.

So some of us feel like maybe things might get better with our T now. We actually had a pretty good appointment once the initial displeasure was stated. If anything, the ones who told our T how they actually felt (feel pretty good for standing up for us). Most of our protectors usually don't voice their opinion, unless things get too "upsetting". Which today really upset them (at first anyway).

I don't know what is wrong with me. I was trying to learn something new, well, a bunch of us were. We were happy about that. Now we got, well maybe just me?, I don't know. Anyway, "I" got a horrible wave of sadness.

I don't know why. I feel awful. I feel like I say stupid stuff. I feel like I shouldn't say or write half the stuff I do. I don't know. Maybe severe denial, I don't know. I just feel horrible. Like what's the point in learning something knew? I don't know why. I'm pretty sure it's my own feeling, and not one of the others. BUT still, I don't know what is wrong with me.

So sad.


Then again, maybe it's Blue? I don't know. She's been sad lately. BUT I think it's me who's sad right now. Strange that it's hard to say for certain though. Maybe a combination of our sadness? That could probably be.

I used to feel the way you do, a lot! Then, I was diagnosed with severe chronic depression. I'm on meds now, so it helps. My system mates work hard to cheer me up too, and outside friends do too.

With time I have learnt to accept that I have my ups and downs and that it's okay to just rest and wait for the downs to pass while practicing self-care. That it's okay to ask for help, vent to the friends, journal about it, and be confused. It's okay to be sad and confused.

This too shall pass. It shall pass like a kidney stone, but it shall pass.

--Zami--

Thank you --Zami--! We greatly appreciate your reply!

We're sorry to hear, that you used to feel the same way. We're glad to hear that the meds help though. Also glad to hear that you have support in both the inner and outer world.


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How we are right now:

EXTREMELY Tired again (pretty much all day). I don't know what is going on with that. Well, now that I think of it, I don't think we slept well again. Well, we had a beyond horrible headache when we were trying to sleep. So yeah, that didn't help things any. So tired. Hopefully we can get more sleep tonight.

Something happened in the inner world. It has me confused and kinda suspicious. Well, some guy (possibly the mail carrier, for the day), handed me a black envelope, and walked out of the "main" building (without saying a word). The black envelope ONLY had my name wrote on it in some kind of unfamiliar handwriting. It did have a stamp though. The envelope had a ton of gold glitter in it (which spilled out upon opening it), a small book, and a piece of white paper.

The white piece of paper said something about finding them (the unknown writer, because nothing said who it was from). It said something about using the picture book to solve a "possible" riddle, which would help find their location. Yes, it said "possible". It also said something about if you dare. Then had a winky face. That's kinda suspicious. I'm not sure if I want to look at the book now. The winky face kinda creeped me out, made me suspicious. I know how certain troublemakers are (in our inner world). BUT then again, I also have a feeling like the one who wrote it, knew that it would creep me out. Like they did that just to make me feel uncomfortable. Also same way with the glitter, I have a feeling they did that on purpose too. Which is mean, if they knew that I HATE getting glitter on me. A lot of insiders know that, plus a lot of them hate that too.

I do know there's a slight possibility that they put the glitter in there, because they thought it was a genuinely nice idea. I highly doubt that though, mainly because I have a suspicion about who sent it. If it really was him, then, well, he's a troublemaker, so based on previous experience (he probably did it to upset me). I'm still not sure though, so I can't say for sure (even if it really was him).

This so-called riddle has me stumped. Supposedly I need to solve it, to be able to find someone (in the inner world). I don't know if it's just a prank, or if it's a genuine riddle of some kind. The more I examine these "clues" though, the more I'm finding similarities. So maybe it really is some kind of riddle. I'm just not sure how to put everything together, let alone figuring out what some of the stuff means. I figure some or all of it, is a clue, but I do know that some things could be put there to deliberately confuse me. Like for instance, the glitter. BUT then, even that could be some kind of clue.

I'm so confused.


Here's the inner world "clues": (I have yet to figure out what this is supposed to mean, if anything. I feel only the sender knows, but I know they aren't going to tell me. Not yet anyway. They want me to solve it.)

Outside

The envelope is black. My name wrote in gold fancy writing (of some kind). It has a stamp which is unusual looking (especially being that I seen other stamps in our inner world). It is just a square with a red line (dividing it into two triangles). The top left side (of the square) is light green. The bottom right side is white. No other markings on the envelope. I noticed that the line is always pointing to the top right, no matter if it's upside-down, or not. Plus the light green kinda looks like a mountain (when the stamp is upside-down).

Inside

A ton of gold glitter poured out, when I opened the envelope. A white piece of paper, and a small black (unmarked) book.

The paper basically said "use the picture book to solve the possible riddle. If you dare. " Not sure why there was a winky face on the paper.

The book had a ton of purple glitter inside it. The whole left side of the book was hollowed out (it was holding the glitter.

Only one picture is inside. It is on the right side, and it is a picture of a mountain. BUT it looks like an ordinary mountain. We have numerous mountain ranges in our inner world.


I don't understand this at all. I've been trying to make sense of this for hours now. There are so many ideas, that I have no clue which idea is even right. If any of my current ideas are even close to figuring this out. UGH! I'm determined to figure this out. I do feel it means something.


I was thinking the envelope could stand for something regarding our body (like maybe depression, or something). BUT then maybe I'm WAY overthinking this whole thing. It could just be that the sender just likes black (I don't know).

I'm so MAD right now. I don't know why we're putting up with our therapist. Our T got me especially upset. I was fine for a while. Now that I think more about what was said, I'm furious right now.

Mostly venting/ranting about our T: If you do read, please read with caution. It may be triggering. So:

Trigger Warning:

What the heck does grounding have to do with anything we said? It doesn't, BUT our T fails to see that. We were fine talking to our T, until Emma came out. Once Emma did, everything went downhill. Our T won't even listen to what Emma is trying to say. It seems our T didn't change. It was just an illusion. We should've canceled our last appointment, because for one, it did nothing but infuriate me. I can't even spell, I'm so upset. At least we have spell check on our computer.

So Emma came out. Our T seems to still think that Emma made everything, including us. You know, I'm beginning to question if our T can even remember anything. Our T said some things that made us go "what?" Some stuff our T claims we said, but yet everyone is puzzled.

Oh and one more thing. Our T said something that some of our protectors saw as an insult towards them. Being only towards them, however, they brushed it aside. Although one of them tried to say that wasn't true. We know it's pointless trying to talk to this T. It seems this T believes whatever they want to believe.

The one we nominated to be our spokesperson for that day (appointment), felt as if she was brushed aside. Our T requested someone else just because of one "minor" detail. So TJ came out (Mainly because she pulled back, and someone had to be out). None of us understand what is going on. Oh, as for our spokesperson, she said something to our T (before our T requested someone else). Our T questioned her about what happened years ago. Like what happened when life was happy for us (that would make Emma need her). LIKE WHAT!? Just because her first memory was of happy stuff doesn't mean that she was around at that time. And if she was, well, we don't know about that. But if she was around at that time, which would say that I was too, then maybe our Autism did something to us to make us split (even before life became bad). Our T then said something about maybe you can ask someone who knows. She said "I know". Our T just gave her a blank look like as if to say, but you just said you don't. She said that because if anyone should know, it's her. Which she in fact doesn't know. Our T acts as if there was no need for any of us back then (if nothing bad happened), let alone a shifter. MAJOR SIGH! <Facepalm>

We really need a new T. We researched though. The sad thing is, upon researching, the only other therapists (that specialize in DID) are about an hour or further away from us. We may have to somehow try to overcome the fear of online chat, but that is highly unlikely at this time. Still however, at this point, I highly doubt it'll be any more stressful than our current T. I'm literally sick from our last appointment. I feel a bunch of others (including Emma) are too.

-Signed a very upset insider

I don't have much strength to write, but I just want to note: We're going to hold an internal meeting tonight (to discuss our T). I'm writing this in case others in our system see this. This meeting is for ALL of us. Due to the size of our system, I thought it would be helpful to also post this here (in case they don't receive our "internal" invitation). We are aware we didn't meet everyone yet. So, yeah, just want to let them know they are invited too.

Emma is feeling crazy again with bad denial. Our appointment didn't go well at all. Such a mess. Why does this keep happening? It's So stressful : we keep having problems with therapists.


And finally I want to note: We read several posts on this forum. We're very sorry to hear a lot of other systems are having problems too. We hope things improve for everyone soon!

Hello Ponyta,

I have the personal opinion that this T might not be the right one for you guys. A T should be open to listen whatever you tell them, without judgement.

I hope that your general meeting will help you all take the right decision for you. You are the ones who know what is best for you.

Take care,

°°Isaïa°°