Our new Journey thread (Ponyta)

Wow, Weirdo wrote a lot. I'm sorry to all who were worried about me. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just was Very upset. I needed a break. When I came back, my brain felt weird. Almost like when your leg is asleep, and then wakes up.

I do know I'm very worried about our next appointment. Maybe it best I don't go, and just let the others handle it. I don't know. I kinda want to hear what the T has to say. If our T wouldn't seem to care about what happened, then it'll just make me worse though.


One thing got me puzzled. Some possibly new one, but I'm not 100% sure, is trying (at least I think) to talk to me. It could be the one who can't talk. Or maybe someone entirely different. Well, ever since I came back they are randomly at times becoming co-con with me. They move my hand. They throw seemingly random hand gestures at me, with that hand. I'm not sure what it's supposed to mean. When asking inside, I get no answer. It might be one who can't talk.

Well, one gesture is sign language for "I love you!" So it is possible that they are using sign language. Which I do remember now that there was one point where we were trying to learn that (MANY years ago). Well, it looks like random characters. From researching, it looks like they spelt a "W" and a "V". I don't know if it goes together or not. It was hours apart.

I feel them now. I just think they tried to send me a message. I need to research this. Well, unfortunately that didn't get anywhere. It was so many movements I don't remember them all now. It doesn't help anything that I don't know that language.

It seems they sign once and then leave right away. Actually wait, I feel something now. Oh okay. So one motion was decoded. That means goodbye. But what does that mean? (question for them) if they're still here. Also if you're still here, I'm sorry I don't know what you're trying to say. I'm trying to understand. (Also asking aloud inside) I have a feeling they were trying to spell "I'll be back". Only because I was looking at sign language chart on google and my eyes met the picture at various spots as if they were pointing at it. Now I felt them motion, "I love you" again.

Okay, now I feel a little creeped out. I don't know why. I think it's just denial kicking in again. I'm sorry. It's nothing you did. Just feel the denial again. Please, who are you? I know you're there. I care about you. I'm sorry, I don't know what that meant.

I'm sorry.


This is rough. I wish I knew what you were trying to say to me. I might need to get a book on sign language. I wonder if we still have our book from years ago.

Maybe it's harder for me to find the exact meaning online since they're only using one hand. Maybe I should let go of the other one too. I didn't realize that at first. My fault. I'm sorry.

I don't know what in the world I was rambling about in my last post. I must be losing it. I'm under a bunch of stress lately. Mainly due to what our T brought up.

I don't know about our therapist. I know our T seems to mean well, but our T really didn't do anything to make it up to us. I mean, our T kept insisting we'll have to face what they said eventually. Our T wants us to be ready, BUT we don't want to talk about that. I don't know why that's so hard to understand. We sent someone else out at our last appointment, BUT I was listening from a distance (with a few others).

Weirdo and Bandit were holding me, so I wouldn't run away again. I'm actually glad they did that. I actually felt safer and more secure by them doing that.

I was upset by what was said again. I got over it though. There's both good and bad about this current therapist.

We'll probably give our T a few more appointments, before we figure out what we're going to do. At least this T seems more willing to help than our last. Still though, this T so far made two of the protectors almost get up and walk out. (two separate appointments) Their feeling about this T is neutral. Also these protectors would've walked out for sure if they felt there was no helping at all. Being that they stayed, shows they somewhat feel this T could help us. Even if it's a "rocky" start to trusting this T.


Like I said though, I have no clue what I was even talking about in my last post. I mean, yeah, someone is trying to communicate, but I don't know, I feel as if I'm losing it. It could just be horrible denial making me feel crazy again. A "new" one did talk to me last night. I put "new" in quotes because I knew about him for a long time. I say new because it's the first time he talked to me that much. And yes, sadly he is a troublemaker. He is in some dungeon though, which confuses me on how he's even able to talk to me. I could hear him in my mind inside the inner world. I feel weird saying that. I told the protectors about that. I heard them whispering to each other today. They're concerned about this. Weirdo said he was in the dungeon for 18 years. A LOT longer than any of the others (former troublemakers) ever were. That is NOT good.

I feel bad for him, but none of the protectors want to let me even visit him. Plus I'm not even sure where this dungeon is. I do know, it's NOT the one that I mentioned before. I found out that our inner world has 5 dungeons at various places. I have no clue why. This guy is in the most secure one. Shadow did let it slip out about it being in a different dimension. The more I write, the more crazy I feel. Any way, this guy told me to get him out of the dungeon. He didn't ask, just demanded.

I don't know what to do. Weirdo said something about him being unstable. Not sure what that really means. Weirdo wouldn't go into details.

Feeling very worried and sad.

Things still are improving somewhat, BUT a really bad feeling is in the air. That "new" guy, that I mentioned in my last post, well he is saying stuff to me. He apparently can communicate telepathically in our inner world.


Possible trigger warning

I heard a loud noise (no one else seemed to). It sounded almost like thunder, really creepy thunder. It sounded really far away. About ten minutes later, he told me that he's now coming for me. Not sure what that meant exactly, but how he said it was really creepy. I told Weirdo out loud so a few of the guys could hear. The protectors were talking to each other about something.

I don't know if this guy is using some kind of psychological trick, or something. I don't know. He might've escaped. He kept claiming he was going to last night. If he did escape, I have a really bad feeling about that. There was a reason why he was in there so long, according to Weirdo. I can't get anymore details about this guy, other than being told that. I do know this guy's name. His name is Psycho. Not sure if it's his real name or not. It might just be a nickname he picked. Hard to say for sure.

I have no clue what our host is talking about. According to our computer (remote surveillance system)- he never escaped. He must be playing mind games. That is concerning however- in it's own right.

Ponyta wrote:I have no clue what our host is talking about. According to our computer (remote surveillance system)- he never escaped. He must be playing mind games. That is concerning however- in it's own right.

That is good to know, I think. I don't know. I feel so confused right now though. I feel as if I'm losing my mind. I feel crazy. Psycho was laughing earlier, when he was talking to me again. He thinks it is funny.

(Directed to the one, of us, that I quoted above) If you don't mind me asking, what mind games? Please answer me. If you would like, I would like to talk to you. Even if it's in our journal, or in our inner world. Please. Thank you! The only reason I'm asking, is because he keeps talking to me. I think that's why I'm so confused. He's confusing me.

I don't understand why none of the protectors will tell me anything about him really. I believe the one I quoted is one of the protectors. One that doesn't want to be named on here, but I think I know who it is. So hopefully they are right about this. I mean, hopefully the guy didn't escape. Psycho still says he did though. He also said he'll see me tonight. I don't know what to think about that. Unless he plans to invade my dreams, which I know is possible. A lot of troublemakers did that before.

I just feel totally crazy right now.

I need to log this. I had the most strangest, and some of the most uncomfortable dreams ever last night.

Flashbacks were a major part. I saw a bunch of them, plus I had no clue I was dreaming. It was awful. Plus there also was stuff, that felt like memories, but there's no way that stuff actually happened. I mean, some stuff about it (yes), but overall (no). Like it was an altered perspective from someone else. Like possibly some kind of "false" memory, or a totally different take on it. But then again, can dreams be so vivid they are recorded as memories? I mean, maybe that's what part of the problem is.


UGH! Why did I have to see those flashbacks in my dreams last night. I can't get it out of my mind now. UGH!

I don't know what happened. I mean, I saw some awful stuff before in my dreams, BUT NEVER this awful. Not that vivid of flashbacks anyway, nor that many things back-to-back. UGH!

I hope that doesn't happen again.

Okay. So I don't know what's going on. I have a bad feeling, but I actually don't think it's because of the guy I mentioned. In fact, he might be able to help. Could possibly be a mind trick? I don't know.

I'm worried about Weirdo, and the other protectors though, if he escapes. He did tell me he wants revenge. Not everyone is on his list though.

He said the children are innocent. He said he has no "quarrel" with them. Quarrel was his actual word. I, myself, might be on the "innocent" list along with Angelica (one of the protectors). He did say he didn't have a problem with her. He also mentioned another one of the the protectors. He said he has no problem with her either. So not all the protectors are included in his anger.

He did clearly call Weirdo out though. He also called out Shadow, Blaze, and a bunch of the other male protectors. None of the females were listed. That's interesting, because at first it seemed he was mad at us (females) too. Maybe because I've been talking to him, every time he contacts me? I don't know. Honestly, he doesn't seem as bad as the protectors say. But then again, they say he likes to play mind games.

I don't know what to think right now. I'm so confused.

I don't know what to think. I was just told a little while ago that if I want to get Psycho out of the dungeon, then I have to do it myself. Wait. What!? I also know who has the key.

What is going on? Am I supposed to? I mean, I don't know. Something fishy seems to be going on. I don't understand why one of the protectors insisted I don't go there (in fact told me I'm not allowed). Now all of a sudden, that same one is basically like "go ahead". I'm so confused.

Do the other protectors know about that? I don't know. Maybe. But yet at the same time, I don't want to ask them. I don't know why. Everything feels so weird right now. I don't know.

I know who has the key. If they would give me the key, or not, is a different story. Then again, maybe the protectors talked this whole situation over. Maybe that's why there's a sudden change. I have no clue. Either that, or Psycho is affecting them somehow. I have no clue. All I know is he likes to play mind games.

I have yet to decide what to do. Otherwise, we are doing so-so.

Well, I'm a bit at loss to how to help you... But one thing I can draw from my own experience within the system: big decisions need to be taken by big commitees.

Taking Psycho out of the dungeon sounds like a big decision, therefore, it needs to be discussed and decided by a big gathering of, maybe, all the protectors, since gathering all of you guys sounds a bit impractical due to your sheer number.

I hope you'll find a safe solution to this issue.

#Uriel#

We just wanted to send our support and best wishes to you all. We've read through your recent posts and it sounds like a lot has been going on for you all. It's so good you have clarity and are working through it though, the notes and information is really impressive!

Wishing you all the very best with the journey and we hope you can feel a bit better and more settled soon.

Yanni
(and All of the Tribe)