Knowing about abuse

I wrote about abuse I've already processed on a post on here. I don't know how much anyone can follow what happens in someone else's system so I'll explain what happened in mine recently from my perspective:

I was cut up about the guy leaving who I used to work with. Basically the day he left I bailed. I was internally drunk, which I look at internal life a bit like a really interactive computer game, from then till a couple of weeks ago when No-one (an alter) took an actual drink of Jack Daniels which drew me back to the body and I thought wtf has been going on. Don't have my job anymore, this bf is still here (I didn't think he would be or didn't know or care but he's still here). All these "we've got" to do this and that rubbish, thinking were terrible people and weak because of abuse. That's what I have come back to.

When. I wrote here about past abuse I have already processed and then I wrote about how I feel dissociative barriers are weaker or lower I thought hang on a minute I processed the other abuse bs so I can process or at least know it. I laid down and thought about snippets of what I know. The left side of my head around the ear and from the back of the head to the front started to feel like it was burning. So touched it. It was physically hot. Then I thought hang on what if something external is making this heat so turned around to make sure the room wasn't on fire or some sort of heat wasn't directing onto my head. The room wasn't on fire btw. So I laid there with my head feeling hot. I got to know everything that Paul got to know. Ok half way through each incident which was like a video I was actually in I kept standing up and saying "I'm gonna ######6 kill you" but eventually I got through the stuff they all know by living it in a kind of way. Heat is healing I said to myself, it's not brain circuits frying.

My conclusion, f if we're weak. We ain't weak. Get through all that and be anything but you ain't weak. I don't care it was sectioned off and parts didn't know. I don't feel shame like Paul, it's the abusers shame. I don't feel any more rage towards them than I already felt. I feel ok about all of it. It's nothing bad on me as a person if anything it's a testament to how strong I am and do not f with me.

Then I reached a barrier point. I tried at guessing what the barrier point is - Karen did be an escort was a guess, I don't care if she was, I dunno if that's the barrier. There was more abuse obviously but that's not the barrier I tried that. The twins are online billionaires is not the barrier. I even tried I abused someone and am blocking it, not the barrier either. There's still a barrier there, from me although somebody just said "you went a bit Harry carry" so I looked that up and it seems to mean I went a bit violent, which I have done so I dunno why that'd be a barrier.

Anyway regardless of whatever they're hiding still for some reason so far I think sfw (which is also a very good film) to all the abuse. It was a shock ten years ago when I realised the parents are messed up cruel people and I was abused by my uncle. That they were actually SA me doesn't surprise me at all. In fact it makes sense. I think it's not a weakness but it shows how much immense indurance I have as an overall person.

I then thought about revenge which given that both my parents are psychos I think is quite normal. Three ideas of fantasy revenge.
1. They live till they're old and just suffer old age. But I spoke to old people and it ain't that bad.
2. They get hauled up in court. But that means putting myself through it and as they say in East London "I ain't on that" it seems like alot of stress for me. Court is a stressful and arduous process and I deserve to be spared that.
3. They randomly die in a freak accident or heart attack. That seems fair to me, they don't get to be old or do anything else at all ever. That seems fair. On top of that if they haven't changed their wills then I'd get money which sounds like a win win to me. They're gone and I got some money to spend on DID therapy. It's fantasy, I ain't that lucky but it's what seems fair.

Bit of fantasy never hurt anyone. As I said I don't see all this as a weakness or as a slight on myself. I see it as I'm pretty tough and I survived. The problem is with them not me.

That's my surmise of these last eight months I've missed. There's a song Bolsy... It's basically like that song how I missed it all, they called me and I was running late, not turning up so they tried to be me and go to work but they couldn't do the job and life collapsed. I didn't think I was that important to this system. I'm just the guy that argues and gets drunk and also can fix stuff. So I didn't think my absence would lead to all this complete upheaval. Anyway I'm sure it's somehow all for the best.

Patrick