I'm going away

I'm Fourteen and I know some of us have written something in here sometimes, but this forum is not my thing. I'm taking care of things now and I won't come in here. That's why we won't be here now on. I'm fine I can function I just do it other ways than Flor would. We've just changed host. I don't know what to do with job if Flor s not gonna come to do it, but I'll cal to psychiatrist if she doesn't.

She wants to say something pretty for people who've been PMing with them, the bigger system and with her. Pretty things like thanks and stuff.

Anyway, I'm gonna go now.

Hi Fourteen. This place is not only for hosts. It’s for any parts who want to talk or get support or discuss things about DID. I hope if other parts in your system want to do that you will still let them. I know that for us, host doesn’t mean boss of the whole system and in charge of everything. Actually, we don’t even have a host—just a front that always looks the same and parts who use it. But anyway, I hope Flor is ok and will write here if she wants.

But if you all want to go away, then we’ll miss you and wish you good luck with everything.

Hi Fourteen,

We agree with everything that Gang said. We respect your decision but hope that you'll come back if and when you feel comfortable doing so.

MDs

Hi Fourteen, Good luck to you and to others in the system and thanks to all of you too - we enjoyed interacting with your system and appreciated many things you guys said.

Sorry to see you go, but as always, you need to do what you feel is best for you.

We wish you and your system the best- and if others in your system still want to chat here, we'd love that.

BYEEEE - PETER WHAT IS WAVIN REAAALY HARD SOS YOU CAN SEE

Hi all..

I don't stop anyone from doing anything, like coming in here. I don't even know how to if I'd want to. I'm not sure why I'm here outside now and host stuff n all. It just happened. I'm just a kid, I don't know why or how to do anything like that, I've been inside for so long.

I've been thinking a lot why me, but maybe it's because of coping stuff? Flor maybe doesn't have any, she couldn't continue anymore when stuff has happened I just thought cause my ways, they're things Flor tried to cure me from n all so I was surprised I'm the one who's in here now. Maybe it's because Lucas can't. He's Leon's dad now and there's lot of littles behind Leon and they need to be safe inside, maybe that's why Lucas is not here but me? Cause he'd be much better. Sami has lots of everything to do he can't be outside and inside doing all alone. Maybe it's because of that? I really don't know at all, but that's how things are now.

It's been weird cause I don't know what to do in here. I don't have my own stuff or much to do, I'm just here in an apartment in what used to be someone else's life and don't have anything to do. I'm counting all the time and can't sleep cause I count money and calories how much would it be if I'd eat something and things like that, can I buy things for me. But I'm fine, I'm losing weight and stuff, but it's on purpose and I haven't hurt the body or done anything stupid. I have now Flor's memory or outside memory or something like that. I know all things like bank account PIN-codes and everything and where things are kept in here. It's not my home or body, but I'm trying and everything s fine. I'm fine and it'll get easier when weight goes down.

Tomorrow is therapy and I don't know what to do in there. I know about the fight but it's not mine and I have nothing to say about it. Maybe I'll ask if we can put therapy on pause and wait if Flor comes back cause I don't know what to do with it and she's not my therapist. I know she wants me to help Flor with her stuff and I don't wanna sound selfish but I can't. I just try to cope myself, I can't help others and now I'm in here and it's a lot, I can't do stuff she wants me to.

I know forum s for all n not just hosts and all that. Random and some other's from us Fourteens have written in here before because Flor spent here time all the time, and when we came close we were in here so much. I'm not sure who am I, cause I've different memory now, but we've tried support forums before and it doesn't work it made everything so hard for so long and that's why I don't wanna try to trust anything like this. We're all boys, it just doesn't work. Leon s hiding in but I don't stop him if he comes out and wants to come here, I just don't wanna be in places like this because of how it's been before.

Everything that's called help has always made things worse. We'd want help, but everything called that is so cruel we can't go thru it all again, I've tried so many times and it always ends the same. It's not your fault, it's how I am, how we are. I'm good only with men that like me, everything else is too hard. Therapist finds me hard too, we get so anxious to go there, cause she don't see us, she sees Flor's body and we get too switchy and hard to deal with and she gets angry. I'm in charge of a lot now and I can't afford anyone trying to help and make it worse. I'm fine, things are fine, this is weird but I'm not suicidal or anything.

I feel like I've been outside forever and it's only been less than a week. I hope maybe I'll get used to this or maybe things will get back to normal. And I'll start to write journal cause I've no one to talk to and it's gonna help me think better and not just count and measure things all the time.

Hi,

Possibly you blended with someone Fourteen?

"No-one" didn't know life now so she was with Patrick at first, on her first trip out in the body. The bf drove to our old home and some other familiar places. Pat sat with her in the car when the bf went to get her a cheese burger. Then after hospital who was a month or so after "No-one" turned up, once she was in the body with Beth but they both just went internal. Then she was with Paul for ages, he helped her. Now she can be alone in the body without anyone else or someone watching.

Maybe you have someone with you while you get used to stuff? But maybe they are blended so you feel different and with different memories? Just an idea, not trying to help.

Whatever is going on I'm sure you'll be ok.

It's me, Flor. I've been coming in here several times in past days when I've been close to front, and tried to write something, but then gone away without saying anything. Sometimes I've fallen in sleep and sometimes trying to write just makes me feel too bad and I've given up.

It's what I do when I'm not well, I go away from people and feel they don't want me.

I know it doesn't sound so big to end therapy, or change main front. Some don't even have one, or change it all the time. We don't. When Fourteen got connection with the outside memory, he remembered being out living this life, when we were a teen. Outside life has been mine for decades, but I failed.

He lives like we did as a teen, only now alone. He has candles burning all the time, like we used to. He listens to that old music, reads old books we used to like. He's never ran a household before, but he's not stupid. With some things he does it way better than I did. I gave up finances years ago. Now he has found out how much debt we have and where, he's payed some back and made paying deals. He has money for that, because he doesn't use it much for living. He makes lists what he needs and finds out where to find it cheap, goes shopping with a list. Buys when it's cheap, cooks and puts food to freezer. That's all way smarter than my ways were. He tries very hard and he's not dumb. He can do it, technically. Our cupboards and freezer are full. He's not eating tho, it's a safety thing to have everything you could need.

It's eating disorder that really runs his life, or he runs his life around eating disorder. Body has lost a lot of weight. It's weird to look into the mirror, you can see it from the face and everywhere. He's on his own, there's no one looking after him, he can go as extreme as he wants to, or has to. It takes lot of time. I won't go into details or numbers, cause I know they trigger other people with EDs.

I don't think it's all about the weight, he's just trying to cope, cause things are too much for him to handle. In the end he's suddenly trying to live life built for someone else. He can never make it his, life of a 14 year old, because he's all alone and he'd need parents, adults, someone to care and look after him, but we'll never have that. It's better for him to count calories and exercise endlessly than realize there's no hope, because body grew up to be an adult and there's nothing he can do about it and what it means. Our chance to be cared was gone long time ago. There's no one to care how much we weigh.

Flor

Hi, Flor. So glad you're posting. We've missed you.

We care.

MDs