Therapist is leaving

Do give her what you've shared with us. If she is a good therapist she will recognize you have trouble with attachment. Which reminds me to mention a book for therapists:

Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair by Daniel P. Brown PhD and David S. Elliott PhD, 2016. It is a textbook, not a light read, but there are also video interviews and podcasts.

Thanks everyone. I did tell her on Thursday and she seemed to understand and we talked about it for a bit. I am now able to say that i know its not her who has created this - i used to blame my feelings on the therapist - and now i don’t its easier to talk about it.
I really miss my other therapist. She really understood it all and i felt really understood. I shall keep going with this one.

I wrote a while back that i had gone off my therapist. Its not really got any better - i move in and out of it a bit but overall, its a struggle. I don’t think she is so insightful, she doesn’t make connections and she doesn’t get hold of a situation or theme and talk to me about it.
I hav told her i don’t want longer sessions any more. The others doesn’t turn up very often and IDC is too upset with her because she sided with me. She doesn’t enquire about the others or check up or anything. When i have told her i woul prefer her to do that, she says it goes against the way she practices to be directive. Then it feels like she has misunderstood me.
I don’t know what to do now

As I recall, this was the one without DID experience, and there was another one who did have experience with DID. Is it worth checking out the other one and using that additional information to help you decide whether to stick with this one or switch?

The treatment guidelines definitely recommend against "siding" with any particular alters. Isn't IDC a younger alter? It would be important for this T to gain their trust, and if you want her to ask about the others, then I don't see why she can't have a routine of asking about them at the start of the session.

We asked our T to remind us at the start of each session that he's still the same person that he was the last time we saw him, and he does that because it helps us. T's are supposed to adapt to what you need, as long as it doesn't feel like they're taking part in an unhealthy pattern or they can give you some other reason why they feel it isn't helpful.

I just had a whole discussion today with my T about why we never want him to be directive, or even make suggestions to us unless we ask for them. And he said that he has found that it often helps people when he asks questions or actively helps them explore something. He's trying to wrap his head around the fact that it doesn't help US, at least not right now.

So you're certainly not asking for anything unusual or uncommon, and for her to just say that it "goes against the way she practices" is not really an acceptable answer. You can ask her why that's the case--what has happened in the past to make it against the way she practices--I mean, is there a reason, or is this just a theoretical outlook? Because apparently it's often helpful for people with DID to be offered some structure or guidance in a session.

I haven’t been on the forum for quite sometime but thought I’d update this post.
I ditched the therapist who I wasn’t sure about. In the end, she wouldn’t move away from zoom and I need face to face. I have had quite a while with no therapy. I have managed ok. No major downs and negative behaviours were kept at bay. However, eating is now out of control and I have realised that I don’t feel safe anywhere and I am constantly on guard.
I have made to the choice to go back to the other choice of therapist that I initially decided not to go with. I refer to her earlier in this thread. She remembered me and although she harps Bono spaces I met with her and a colleague who she will supervise.
I am beside myself over the prospect of going back to therapy but I feel the break has given me some perspective and the choice is a positive one.

It's good to hear from you, Jolly jo!

So you're going to the therapist with DID experience? (I didn't look all the way back in the thread to see which one it was.)

We're trying to transition to another T, but it's very difficult, for a lot of reasons. The littles are sure that no one will ever know them as well as he does, or care as much, and they just want him to be someone we can continue to see. But his responses are so often inadvertently hurtful and clueless and jarring that it feels like our progress has occurred in spite of that, and has just been from the caring and unconditional positive regard that he shows.

Anyway, wishing you well. It's always a very brave step to start with a new therapist.

Hi gangsallhere
It was crushing having my long term therapist and therapy end. I honestly thought I would never stop feeling so pained from it. I still write to her occasionally and get a reply from her. It’s helped a lot.
Ending the second therapist was easy. It wasn’t working.
Choosing to go back to therapy was hard but yes, it’s the experienced therapist from before. I shall see how it goes. She’s part of a clinic with supervision and I hope it’ll be a bit more proffessional than the last one. I also have clearer goals this time.
How are things with you? I seem to remover from before that your therapist was making some errors or upsetting you all in some way and you were all working hard to get over it each time. Does he have a view about you moving on?

Hi Jolly Jo. I do hope things go well with your new T. I do understand that trying to find a good T is difficult. We're kind of stuck with one who is an autism specialist and doesn't have recent up-to-date information on DID, but we're making it work for now.

Pippa.

Hi Jolly jo,

He wants the best for me/us, and I think he understands now that there are ways in which it just isn't a good fit. His natural way of trying to be helpful and actively "doing therapy" is a huge trigger for us, and it always takes him a long time to understand why we're upset by something he says.

I think that the way he thinks about things is so different from us, that he isn't capable of intuitively grasping how we're feeling and responding to that. I've told him he's the least intuitive person I've ever met. Everything has to be spelled out for him--it's like constantly slogging through thick mud.

He also doesn't grasp how painful it is for us to be dysregulated and he doesn't seem have any tools to help us calm down. He just tries to use words to "discuss" whatever upset us, but that's very unhelpful and just escalates things.

In contrast, I've spoken to a few other therapists recently in my search for a new one, and was able to feel much more understood by a couple of them. Even just someone murmuring acknowledgement when I pause lets me feel like someone is there listening.

But on the other hand, we have a deep connection and attachment to him, especially the littles. A 5-year history, and all the shorthand knowledge that goes along with that. And he is very responsive to texts and emails, so we have a strong sense of him being there. He knows (or knows about) each of the parts, and has an individual relationship with some of us (mostly littles) in addition to the whole.

We're still meeting with him weekly or every two weeks, and also started seeing a somatic experiencing T weekly, a woman who is very calm and gentle in her demeanor. I don't think she has much DID or complex trauma experience, but she's a good listener, and has been accepting and welcoming of whatever DID "weirdness" (our term and point of view) we've shown her so far. Including that we have a part who identifies with our house. It's also a place to process and come to terms with not being able to really keep working with our regular T. There's so much anger and disappointment about that, especially since he can sometimes respond in helpful ways.

We saw him Friday, and it went fairly well, and that's almost harder, because the littles are so upset that he can't just BE "the right person" most of the time (i.e. respond in a helpful way) if he can do it sometimes. But after a session or two, he returns to being (his version of) "helpful" again, and asking more questions and more actively trying to guide the conversation, and then we're hurt by the intrusiveness and lack of understanding, and then crushed with disappointment because we were believing that he had changed.

We're still looking for someone who is good with DID and also has somatic tools to help us with regulation, and I think until we find someone with the potential for a deep attached relationship, we'll keep seeing our current T. He has said that even after that, if it's ok with the new T, we could see him occasionally. He's not going anywhere, and the caring is still there. So that's good.

Glad to hear the update, Jolly Jo, that you're again seeking a therapist who will work for you. I've mostly had therapists the past decade plus, but went through many months here and there with either a therapist unfamiliar with DID or without any therapist. A therapist who you experience as a safe place is just not easily replaceable but they're out there.

I didn't get much out of Zoom therapy sessions either and cut the number in half until we could meet in person. Best of luck "developing" the new therapist towards what you need!