Cloud like part?

Years ago, 20 years ago, the twins (who seem to have some level of executive function in this system, I don't know if there's a term for it) decided alters were the problem. They couldn't kill our most free spirited alter, "No-one', so they hid her in The Overlords world.

Ten years later and just over ten years ago in psychotherapy the twins still saw alters as the problem. They thought if they supressed the right bits, shuffled them round the right way, gave the more challenging ones like The Overlord and Paul set jobs to keep them busy that the system, the overall person, life, would be at optimum capacity.

I guess in a way it was. We made friends, picked s career path, looked after our children well but could not have a sustainable relationship because the twins saved that life aspect for last.

They divided life into aspects and worked on one aspect at a time. Romantic relationship seemed least important to them so they left it till last.

It was pretty much life optimization. As a person alot was accomplished, experienced, learnt.

What the twins feared though was the reality. This is not sustainable long term, longer than 4-5 years because the hidden, supressed, the forgotten parts were still there. There is usually a system overhaul roughly every 5 years. It rests parts who have been out alot, it gives other parts a chance at life and it is basically fair.

That way of running the system seems to have now become a back up plan. There is an overall system push to get trauma therapy and perhaps attempt to integrate. It comes from the twins.

There is an underlying fear with this though. The fear is whenever any of us have seen a person who has been abused by their parents and knows they have a crazy look in their eyes like something inside them is permanently broken. This is with or without DID. (Karen)

At the moment we are broken but nothing inside us is broken. If we try to fix the whole we permanently break the insides. That's how it appears to us. We haven't seen one abuse survivor abused by their own parents who doesn't have this broken glint in their eye. We were right about working the system how we do not being long term sustainable. We have many parts, most to traumatized to be full parts. We have toyed with the idea of putting them into one part of just trauma, but our system is more complicated than that because mouse is all the trauma parts. The fragments are still also seperate from mouse and the overlord also is a culmination of trauma. When we first decided to throw away all the trauma memories at about age 8 we didn't throw them away, we left them at a physical anchor point that is a protected nature site so if we wanted them back we had them but we kept mouse as a back up - not functional part and the overlord as a second backup - functioning part. This left other parts free to live. They did experience other trauma as adults and early teens but they coped with it emotionally because they didn't have the childhood trauma. They thought they had a great childhood. So they didn't blame themselves for older trauma and did speak up. Sometimes years later they spoke up because we'd keep the memory away for a while, habit, but at the right moment we'd release the memory. It feels like the right moment that we released the small portion of trauma memory from childhood but it did overwhelm the whole system and cause alot of distress. (The Twins)

Now because of this overwhelm of the system there are parts who had never met eachother coming into contact and the five year on five year off thing doesn't seem necessary or perhaps possible.

For example when Patrick is able to front Paul is not supposed to be able to front. Parts like the overlord and Peter who don't come out often can front whenever they like but rarely do. They both had internal jobs but now only Peter does which is to basically guard dangerous emotions like jealousy. So the overlord comes out randomly lately. Mostly the fronting parts have been Paul, No-one and Beth. Beth can work with either system, mine or theirs. Lilly is part of Paul's system but doesn't front. Mandy has recently become able to move between systems.

Basically the seperate systems or systems that were once seperate like having an A and B team have become aware of eachother and and able to interact. Then theres, we don't know if it's a part or if it's like a cloud we pass in and out of without its own personality but like a base that none of us were previously aware of. I've always been aware of Beth but it felt like it was only me and Beth in primary school, I wasn't aware of what I can best describe as a clouf part.

For example this morning on waking up before any part could become fully present this part or cloud was thinking about yesterday. Paul dealt with most of yesterday (the bits I remember anyway) and this cloud could sort of remember yesterday but not like how I'd remember something I did. It was like they were experiencing it but like they were in a cloud of it not remembering it which is why I'm calling them a cloud I suppose. Then other parts were around and eventually I was out because eating happened, someone ate pastry, and the only free food day to eat really fatty food is supposed to be Sunday. I was around first thing, half around because I saw the cloud part but was there because I will make sure they drink lemon and boiled water before anything else (it cleanses the blood). Then other stuff happened and I wasn't back till later after the pastry got eaten.

So I don't know what this cloud part is. I can think what did Paul do and know or he'll show me or tell me. I can think Beth did a form that needed doing but I don't know what happened in-between.... chatting online to guy about his crush and valentine's - ok I can access it. But accessing it is different. It's not telling me it did that or showing me, I had to mentally step into it, step into it sitting at the table and see through its eyes which is really weird. We don't share memory by stepping into the part who's memory it is usually. Which is also like a cloud. It doesn't have a boundary of self or a means to communicate or it might but that's not what happened. So it's not like a part.

What is it?

I didn't know what this post was going to be about but I felt like I needed to summise where the system is, where I am as a part of this system because the system needs to move forward. It feels like it does. It needs to move forward to a different way of being that is hopefully more sustainable. And I can't do that, the system can't do that if nobody has aknowledged where they are right now.

So in summary, different systems are aware of eachother and communicating more and directly. I think the twins "Jane" used too much brain power (a shared all access memory bank) so they scrapped it. Some progress has been made with parts like me and Rose and Beth and Patrick who reacted to trauma or system stuff adversely. And this cloud is?

Does anyone have a phrase for this or can explain a cloud like part that you can dip in and out of both in the body and if trying to see what it was doing when other parts were not present?

could the 'cloud part' be the host dipping in and out to oversee what is happening or what has happened throughout each day? ..but for some reason in your system it is not being recognised as the host?

Kind of like in us where some alters refer to 'the body' rather than 'my body' - there's some kind of disconnect preventing other alters recognising 'the cloud' as the host? Maybe it's just like your system's memory? like your own virtual iCloud where everyone can go to access each others memories and understand what's going on in your real world and what needs to be taken care of etc?

Maybe it is a "host" We time share alot, co-host and have long since given up on denial of it all. Maybe the host got lost in amoungst all that. In amoungst all the trying to manage life and make it ok and trying to get alters fair time. Maybe that's the host. Maybe she's either awake and aware of us and seems like a cloud or she's asleep and someone is in the body.

How important is it to have a distinct host? How much of a problem is it if the host is the cloud?

Sarandipity wrote:Maybe it is a "host" We time share alot, co-host and have long since given up on denial of it all. Maybe the host got lost in amoungst all that. In amoungst all the trying to manage life and make it ok and trying to get alters fair time. Maybe that's the host. Maybe she's either awake and aware of us and seems like a cloud or she's asleep and someone is in the body.

How important is it to have a distinct host? How much of a problem is it if the host is the cloud?

I'm not sure how important it is or how much of a problem it could be? Hopefully someone else will come alone who knows more about that.

Our system is small and they all tend to believe they are 'me' when they are up front but only tend to be upfront when I have to deal with people and social events/appointments. Apart from the child parts they all tend to know it is 'their purpose to protect the original self from over exposure to the outside world'

If you have a larger system where alters are not all 'different versions of you', your system may work completely different to mine?

I was thinking earlier how single minded people probably don't spend this much time working out what is going on in their head and whether it's really necessary for me to keep trying to work out every little thing that goes on or that I feel etc.

When Obsidian was outside instead of in inside she could manage and interact and distinguish herself from others probably because she's an internal part. I went there for a while and when I came back I thought I could be like Obsidian and declare myself seperate. I named myself Lapis Lazuli. But I'm not Obsidian, I can't maintain distinction of self, I can't become something I'm not. I suppose I have always lived with these parts, watched them grow.

Something happened the other day, perhaps yesterday or another day. I played the original sonic the hedgehog. I remembered the game vividly, out of practice but knew the game and could basically play it. Then the bf showed me other old Sega games. I realised I knew one of the games but didn't know it at the same time.

I started to play it and things came to me "you have to do this or that" and it was right. Then I remembered sitting in front of the Sega at about age 14 and starting to play this game and an internal dialogue of how I was crap at that game, I could have Sonic and they would have the other game that I can't remember the name of now. They want me to play the game they played. I will play it some more it may provide a link between me and that part which I don't think is any alter. I think it's a whole other system. They reached out by wanting me to play this castle game and I'll reach back. This could be why my brain has felt so fried and exhausted, reaching to this unknown area.

Sarandipity wrote:When Obsidian was outside instead of in inside she could manage and interact and distinguish herself from others probably because she's an internal part. I went there for a while and when I came back I thought I could be like Obsidian and declare myself seperate. I named myself Lapis Lazuli. But I'm not Obsidian, I can't maintain distinction of self, I can't become something I'm not. I suppose I have always lived with these parts, watched them grow.

Something happened the other day, perhaps yesterday or another day. I played the original sonic the hedgehog. I remembered the game vividly, out of practice but knew the game and could basically play it. Then the bf showed me other old Sega games. I realised I knew one of the games but didn't know it at the same time.

I started to play it and things came to me "you have to do this or that" and it was right. Then I remembered sitting in front of the Sega at about age 14 and starting to play this game and an internal dialogue of how I was crap at that game, I could have Sonic and they would have the other game that I can't remember the name of now. They want me to play the game they played. I will play it some more it may provide a link between me and that part which I don't think is any alter. I think it's a whole other system. They reached out by wanting me to play this castle game and I'll reach back. This could be why my brain has felt so fried and exhausted, reaching to this unknown area.

Many many years ago we had a Super Nintendo, it was a special edition with a switch so you could play both PAL and NTSC versions of game. We loved Zelda at the time or rather one particular child alter did. They vanished for years then returned when we got a N64 with that version of Zelda where they particular liked riding the horse.

Fast Forward many more years and after not playing for years as other adult alters weren't interested, we saw a video online of the Zelda game on the new Nintendo Switch when it came out. It triggered a small feeling of excitement but was ignored (by Maddie who had no idea she was a multiple) until Kit started to come out daily. She purchased one and the first time of playing it triggered a child alter we didn't even know was still there. 'Bobby' still comes out to play if we put Zelda on, though doesn't seem interested in the exercise type games we use as physio.

KitMcDaydream wrote:

Sarandipity wrote:When Obsidian was outside instead of in inside she could manage and interact and distinguish herself from others probably because she's an internal part. I went there for a while and when I came back I thought I could be like Obsidian and declare myself seperate. I named myself Lapis Lazuli. But I'm not Obsidian, I can't maintain distinction of self, I can't become something I'm not. I suppose I have always lived with these parts, watched them grow.

Something happened the other day, perhaps yesterday or another day. I played the original sonic the hedgehog. I remembered the game vividly, out of practice but knew the game and could basically play it. Then the bf showed me other old Sega games. I realised I knew one of the games but didn't know it at the same time.

I started to play it and things came to me "you have to do this or that" and it was right. Then I remembered sitting in front of the Sega at about age 14 and starting to play this game and an internal dialogue of how I was crap at that game, I could have Sonic and they would have the other game that I can't remember the name of now. They want me to play the game they played. I will play it some more it may provide a link between me and that part which I don't think is any alter. I think it's a whole other system. They reached out by wanting me to play this castle game and I'll reach back. This could be why my brain has felt so fried and exhausted, reaching to this unknown area.

Many many years ago we had a Super Nintendo, it was a special edition with a switch so you could play both PAL and NTSC versions of game. We loved Zelda at the time or rather one particular child alter did. They vanished for years then returned when we got a N64 with that version of Zelda where they particular liked riding the horse.

Fast Forward many more years and after not playing for years as other adult alters weren't interested, we saw a video online of the Zelda game on the new Nintendo Switch when it came out. It triggered a small feeling of excitement but was ignored (by Maddie who had no idea she was a multiple) until Kit started to come out daily. She purchased one and the first time of playing it triggered a child alter we didn't even know was still there. 'Bobby' still comes out to play if we put Zelda on, though doesn't seem interested in the exercise type games we use as physio.

Thanks. I don't think this is a child part. We went swimming. Paul got us there even though he disagreed on taking her Instead of the brain just feeling fried her whole body hurt when she took over. It's how we felt waking up every morning as a child and teenager. Our muscles and joints would be in agony. So she's at least teenage. Me and Paul thought there must be something we could do about that pain she's in. Every alter pretty much swam for a bit but her mostly but every time pain. However by the time of getting out the water she didn't hurt. The water helps her somehow. Our grandmother taught us to swim one summer in Spain and perhaps that's the only place she feels safe and comfortable, in the water, so the body doesn't feel in pain to her.

On a side note we bought a swimming hat, she hates wet hair and they somehow let us in for free. Just me and Paul were present at that point so Paul said nothing and I internally said to Paul quick before she realises (the aching part) because pretty sure she'd make us pay. We are poor, that swimming fee is bread or milk or whatever but she probably wouldn't see it like that and I wasn't taking any chances.

So swimming was good.

All the time Paul was sorting something out and getting ready to go she kept popping in moaning, she doesn't need to moan because she makes the brain feel fried so you know she's pressuring you. Paul didn't rush and ran an errand and found some paperwork he needs later. But she pressures. Anyway it was ok overall in the end.

Gonna have a rest before doctors. No-one