I'm so tired

I failed therapy. I hoped it could change my life, but it can't and it was stupid to believe in it. I should've known better.

I'm tired of being outcast. Tired of trying to talk to people who don't like me, like everything would be fine.

I'll always be just a teenager who waits for someone to care and rescue me. It will never happen. It's all I've ever wanted. It's why I keep on living.

I'm tired of pretending anymore. No one will rescue people with ugly old bodies. There hasn't been any chance for decades. I don't know why I kept on pretending.

I'm so tired.

Hang in there SystemFlo we may not be able to rescue you but we do care about you.

I'm sure we're not the only system on here that would miss you.

Hugs and love for you all and a fist bump for Lucas.... and what ever it is Sami prefers.....

What do you mean by "rescue", darling?

Your therapist behaved in a way that caused a big rupture in your relationship, and it doesn't sound like it has been fixed (yet?). Have you decided that it isn't reparable?

I don't recall the details right now from the other thread (we've just been through a very difficult therapy issue and my brain is a little worn out from it), but all you can do, as a system, is express your needs to the therapist, and if after several tries, and being sure that they understand what went wrong, and what you need from them, and won't or can't fix it, then you need to find someone else who will have the level of commitment and skill that you need.

I didn't get a chance to post about it yet, but we just repaired a huge rift with our T. We were at the point where we were planning to interview someone else, and we've never done that before in the past 2 1/2 years. It wasn't until his 4th reply to us that he finally understood how we needed him to respond in order to repair it. And honestly, if he wasn't someone who was willing to have a lot of our communication be outside the therapy session, in writing back and forth, I don't think we would be able to manage to stay in the relationship.

I'm sorry you're going through this--it's very painful and destabilizing, and I hope it can be resolved.

I was just feeling fed up and suicidal because my middle two children like to keep contact with my parents and lack respect for me and think I'm a liar. Then the feeling hit the wave of "I'm not going to let these people (abusive parents) beat me" which was basically my whole child hood. Desperation and hopelessness and then wave of rage that said "no they will not win" which I'm pretty sure is because of some kind of psyco or sociopath or some sort of negative gene I inherited from one or both them but it is what has kept me going this far when otherwise I would of done something bad to myself.

They will not win. They will not get to seek sympathy and care as a result of their "mental" daughter killing herself. Because that's what would happen. Nobody would think "oh my maybe her parents were horrible to her" they'd think "oh those poor parents" So no, they will not have that. I will not allow it. They already have the sympathy for having a mental daughter. They don't feel bad or care about how much they damaged me or my sister. They don't care they are still doing that by keeping up appearances with their new partners and keep seeing my middle two children. They are enjoying it. My father likes to laugh and wave when he comes to the house to pick my daughter up. My mother sends triggering things in the post to my children which only I would know as triggering and look otherwise normal.

So literally not letting them win any more than they already are is all that keeps me going most days. That and every now and again I imagine they're not here anymore and fantasise about their funerals that I wouldn't go to.

Sorry to read you're feeling so tired and let down by therapy.

I know how you feel. I'm 43 and I'm still longing for the mother I always needed. When I have gone to the hospital for suicidal stuff they just look at me like I'm crazy for wanting to die. They don't understand what they haven't experienced. I found that to be true with my family as well. They don't understand me and don't put the effort in to. I realized nobody is going to rescue me. I have to rescue myself. I encourage you to find a new helpful and understanding therapist if you can. Someone to guide you in learning to love yourself and through that you will learn to rescue yourself.