Rough time with therapy lately

Hi Gang,

Sending you encouragement.

MDs

we recently posted something about open-mindedness on the blog.
basically ideas how to explore when someones has fixed their mind on something and it is not really helpful and kind of stuck there. I am not sure if it would help Watcher but maybe it is worth looking at it.

Hi birdsong. I saw that and skimmed it. I'll have to go back and read it more thoroughly. I'm sure it applies, but I think that we couldn't take it in when we were in the middle of the stuckness.

We seem to have solved this particular instance--Watcher came up with questions based on their fears about what the words meant, and the T answered them. He didn't have any problem repeating back the words we gave him to say when they were true for him, he just wouldn't "take back" words that didn't mean what Watcher was afraid they meant.

There's still resistance to feeling close to him again--we've still got that stuffie in the drawer--but it's not as strong. I can feel more of the attachment again from the littles who love him--that was completely "gone" for awhile.

Maybe we'll have some calmness for awhile before the next storm.

As an update to what's been happening, it took until Tuesday night for Watcher to allow the other littles to take the little stuffie out of the drawer, and to let them sleep with it again. They were very happy to have it back, because it was given to us by the T to keep at home, and they were sad when Watcher put it in the drawer.

Today we saw the T for the first time since he responded to Watcher's questions. Sasha had sent him an email on Wednesday evening just to let him know how we were doing, because Watcher was blocking anyone else from contacting him.

Things went ok today--there was one minor upset, but we worked it out. It means a lot to Watcher and others that if the T has an idea, but it doesn't match our experience, he will throw it out, but it's hard to believe sometimes that he's done that. We think he's still sitting there thinking the wrong thing. But it helps them believe him when he makes that gesture of throwing something into the wastebasket.

I still find it so hard to realize how separate some of these deep feelings are from me and from what I think of as important feelings from the past. It's also hard not to feel ashamed of them. One of Watcher's questions for the T was, "You're not going to go away and leave us with other people?" And of course, the T was happy to respond to that, and even repeated it in the little sticky note he wrote for us at the end of the session today.

But while I can empathize with that feeling, it's very hard to relate to as something coming from inside us. We can feel that Watcher was very relieved by the T's answer, and that they have been going over it again and again, but some of us don't even know what it means, and feel like it's something that it doesn't even make sense to ask. It just feels deeper and younger than, for example, Claire wanting the T to make a "No Monsters" sign and put it in his office where we can see it.

Oh, the littles want me to say that the T kept all the chocolate bars and the cookie in his office all week. We thought he said he was taking them home, but he didn't. Watcher still wouldn't let us take any of them, but we hope maybe they'll change their mind and let us have at least one.

Sorry you are having a rough time Gang.

I wish you all the best, to get the inner situation solved.

Hope I didn't overlook something, and that I don't say the wrong things here by accident, but from what I read, you seem to have a really nice therapist

Thanks, Rive. I didn't mean to make it sound like I'm still having a rough time. Things are MUCH better, and we were so glad that therapy went well yesterday. We were even able to drive right away afterwards. And we had a good conversation with someone we know. We didn't even need to take a nap in the afternoon.

There was a song we were listening to a lot yesterday, and something about it made Watcher decide to give things a try again with the T. So they said we could accept two of the chocolate bars that the T got for us, when we see him next time. We texted him about it because some of the littles were worried he would give them away, and he said he would "happily put them aside" for us.

The song is "Anyone" by Demi Lovato. She sang it at the Grammys. Watcher decided that the T is someone who is listening to us and we don't need to wish for that anymore. We'll see how things go, because there's no emotional regulation when it comes to Watcher--we end up flooded with huge feelings--either good or painful, and this idea might be way too far on the "good" side of things--they might be back to feeling like the T is the perfect imaginary person we always wished for, and that's not going to last very long because the T will do something that is, um, less than perfect.

Well then I'm glad things are getting better

I've read through this thread a few times recently, because I've been trying to understand the pattern of how the really big ruptures happen with our T. It has helped me to read what we were going through, but it also helps to read people's responses.

Especially the idea that it's the T's responsibility to modulate their behavior and responses to meet my needs. (Thank you, Johnny-Jack.) Even though that's what my T has said that he intends to do, I've been feeling like it's too much to expect, and probably not even possible. But now I feel more like it is feasible.

I think I forgot that it's only for two hours a week that he has to be careful to respond the way I need (not counting written responses to emails and texts), and really, that's a big part of his job. It's kind of what he has signed up to do, right? When I've said that I don't think a person can change that much, he says that he can change his actions, and he has been trying to do that.

And despite (or maybe because of) all the difficulties of the past three months, it's feels like we've made progress internally. We're taking care of each other better, and it seems a little bit more tolerable to feel our feelings.

It's just so weird to have figured out the patterns of what the T does that cause such huge misunderstandings, and now he's going to try to change what he does so that it doesn't happen as much, or as disruptively. I had the idea that the way therapy would go was that the T and I would figure out the patterns of what I do, or how I react, and then I was the one who was supposed to change.

But it's so much more "meta" than that. It turns out that what's changing for me is being able to understand and then express what I need, so that the T can change to be more attuned to those needs.

Anyway, now I feel more like we're still doing therapy rather than feeling like this is just hopeless damage control, and that he's not the right T for us.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:I've read through this thread a few times recently, because I've been trying to understand the pattern of how the really big ruptures happen with our T. It has helped me to read what we were going through, but it also helps to read people's responses.
[...]
Anyway, now I feel more like we're still doing therapy rather than feeling like this is just hopeless damage control, and that he's not the right T for us.

We're glad that reading through this thread helps, Gang. And we're glad that you now feel more like you're still doing therapy.

MDs