Ending therapy?

T got angry at us today, and it went to a point Sami came out to deal with it, and was there most of our session. He was mostly silent, waiting for an explanation or apology, but didn't get any.

He's gonna go in next time too, and it's gonna be him T deals with as long as things are fixed or found to be beyond fixable. There's better be good explanation, or we're just gonna leave. There's things Ts can't do or say and get away with it, and trust we had left is not there anymore. There wasn't much anyway. There was respect, and I guess we'll find out next week will there be any of that.

Wow—I’m sorry that happened to you. Therapists are not supposed to get angry at you—it’s very unprofessional. Did you or Sami tell the T that you felt they were angry at you? Because I know how easy it is for us to misperceive things. We’re SURE the T meant a particular thing or felt a particular way, and when we actually check it out with him, there’s a different explanation. And either way he apologizes for causing us distress.

I hope it’s fixable—you’ve been working with her for awhile.

Floralie wrote:T got angry at us today, and it went to a point Sami came out to deal with it, and was there most of our session. He was mostly silent, waiting for an explanation or apology, but didn't get any.

He's gonna go in next time too, and it's gonna be him T deals with as long as things are fixed or found to be beyond fixable. There's better be good explanation, or we're just gonna leave. There's things Ts can't do or say and get away with it, and trust we had left is not there anymore. There wasn't much anyway. There was respect, and I guess we'll find out next week will there be any of that.

maybe your T is trying to show you that its ok to get angry, say it with words. that show by example thing. T's not supposed to only say things we like, T's not supposed to be friends. T's supposed to make us think, make us whats that word see that its ok to be happy or sad or be angry and have people be happy or sad or angry at us is ok. real like, not fake like some tv show where no one gets angry everyone just say and do things that make peoples happy. T's sort of like parents like they sometimes have to tell us when we aint doing the right things or not doing therapy right for our problems. they jobs is to make us feel an face those feelings. I hate it too when peoples get mad, show when they mad but I knows that its not a perfect world where no one gets mad. even t's have feelings and can get mad and show when they are mad.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Wow—I’m sorry that happened to you. Therapists are not supposed to get angry at you—it’s very unprofessional. Did you or Sami tell the T that you felt they were angry at you? Because I know how easy it is for us to misperceive things. We’re SURE the T meant a particular thing or felt a particular way, and when we actually check it out with him, there’s a different explanation. And either way he apologizes for causing us distress.

I hope it’s fixable—you’ve been working with her for awhile.

We're sure. We were talking about how to continue with therapy in future and she asked my opinion on it first. Then started to give her's and sound more and more angry. I said it aloud, "You sound mad" and she said she is and frustrated. And she continued going on. I did not understand why she was suddenly angry at me, and I guess I signed out and Sami came to take care of it.

Why is she angry at us?
Because we're so fractured, and because another thing I can't recall, because Sami is not close anymore and he has the detailed memories.

Yes, we are multifractured. We have several subsystems and our structures are complicated. I don't remember the other thing, but it was same kind, something trauma did to us, something totally out of our control and a reason why we need help. Now we should feel guilty and feel empathy for her, because we're too traumatized for her liking.

No. We don't feel sorry for her because of our trauma. She's not our victim.

That absolutely doesn't sound appropriate.
T's are supposed to make you feel safe, help you be more at ease around yourselves. That is absolutely going to be hard, but that's why you go to therapy isn't it? Not to be more pushed into feeling bad.
I would suggest trying to talk about it with your T next session, after everyone had a cooldown period.
If it doesn't work out well, I would suggest you and maybe her look for a different therapist, but try to see if you can fix things first.
Quitting too early can cause more harm sometimes.
Be safe, I hope you can figure something out.

Floralie wrote:We're sure. We were talking about how to continue with therapy in future and she asked my opinion on it first. Then started to give her's and sound more and more angry. I said it aloud, "You sound mad" and she said she is and frustrated. And she continued going on. I did not understand why she was suddenly angry at me, and I guess I signed out and Sami came to take care of it.

Why is she angry at us?

There's a difference between being angry at you vs. being angry and frustrated about your difficulties. Obviously, I wasn't there and don't know the details of what she said, but it's possible that she is frustrated about her own shortcomings as your therapist, or something related to your treatment. It's hard to believe that an experienced therapist would be expressing anger at you because you have this disorder, although I'm sure there are parts who don't find it hard to believe.

She didn't say that she was angry at you--just that she was mad and frustrated. But hopefully you can find out exactly what she meant when you see her and then when you have her explanation of her intent and feelings, you can decide what to do next.

Thanks for comments I have not answered to. There's a reason for it. Originally it was Sami being around so strongly, I was unable to write without his influence to things I say. Since he tries to stay away from the forum, I respected that and wrote only when it's me writing, not him halfway or more than me there. I can talk about him from my point of view and things we've decided together from my point of view or what he's said to me. We won't just write together, when it's gonna be from his point of view, because that's what he chose not to be seen in here unless any of us asks him to. (And he's stayed literal with it, he has not helped when he has felt someone needs help and he's been pissed off because of something. He was not asked, he didn't say anything. And it was right, because then he allowed someone else to take care of something their way, he would've ruined their way. But the internal fight about acting against his instincts and the way he was pissed off and still is has stayed internal.)

There's also another reason, and that's that we're sure or very highly suspecting T is reading what we write in here. Maybe not everything, because we've written a lot, but some things. I do believe she does that now. There's been too many times when we've written something in here, and next session she has asked about that thing. Even I notice that, although I don't notice everything like Sami does. It hasn't bothered me or us, because we're not sharing in here things we wouldn't share with T. We are aware this is open platform and anyone can read, we don't share anything that could risk us any way. But now we chose not to give her any info in here about what happened and will happen.

It's been beneficial to us as a system to talk about this with each other, I got to know new things about the system because of that. That's why Sami has been titled to be the system manager now. I was not and still am not aware how much things he can do, but based on things I do know I think it describes best what he does. It's still all for safety, so basically defender stuff, but because there's so much power linked into it and DID is all about safety anyway, it's best job description I can come up with.

I also got to know things about therapy I didn't know before or didn't fully realize before, not the way I'm aware of them now. Sami is able to remember long conversations word to word, also when I've been blending with someone else and not fully there. Things I got to know is basically just data, numbers and overall big picture. That explains a lot of things we've felt or not been able to feel, but I've not known why. Now I have reasons and explanations for why things have been like they have, little details I wasn't aware of. Little details that happen repeatedly create the big overall feeling about things. Sami shared all of his data with me, for me to be aware of what I'm talking about in case I will talk to T. We keep our information straight, t's not about just feelings, it's about facts that create those feelings.

We'll be back to this later on, we have session on Monday, so it may be then, or if Sami is too strongly in here then, then in more detail afterwards. I would still wanna share how I feel with someone before that, but because of the reason I explained, it can happen only by PMs. It's a big question that's in the tittle. We're gonna decide it by ourselves anyway, of course, but that's the kind of thing it would be nice to have support or outsider view too. We're not gonna harass anyone with our things and send first PMs to ask support, because no one is obligated to talk about anything, so it's up to you who read this if you're willing to listen or comment.

Flor

I feel like a crazy person.

We went to see T 4 hours too early. She didn't get to know that tho. It's because we went there when we usually do, but today our time was later and because of all fuzz in the head preparing for every scenario there could happen, we weren't paying attention enough to outside things to remember that today. I realized it on the door. Her "office" is a studio apartment in an apartment house, it's not at any clinic.

T's place is next to a big mall with movie theater, so we went to movies, because we had 4 hours waiting time. We watched Joker. Because Random (from system Fourteen) has this Arkham city interest, although we've never seen any Batman movies and he's not the type of a guy who'd read comics, he likes Arkham city for a random reason because he likes random stuff. That's why he's called Random. I've been hesitating if that is a good movie for us to see, based on some things I've read about it, but it was gonna start in 30 minutes and end about an hour before our real T time, so it was like it was meant to be.

Movie was nothing like I expected. Spoilers in here, don't read if you haven't seen and wanna see the movie without knowing anything about it. I expected there to be action, kind of waited when shooting rampage done by Joker will begin, and it never did. It was a movie about a mentally ill guy who tries to act normal, but ends up losing it after everything in his life crushes down. He has a condition that makes him laugh uncontrollably no matter how he feels. The violence in the movie was personal and it was realistic compared to movies overall. *** spoilers end***

Fourteens certainly felt for him, and at some point it made the crazy kids laugh in our head. They loved the movie, but it wasn't good for them.

There are huge amounts of restless energy going on in our head anyway, some of it coming from rebellious Fourteens, some crazy kid Fourteens, some of it is energy which kind of doesn't have a physical form, it doesn't feel bad, but it's like ADHD person would be bouncing around, kind of feeling fine, but doing all kind of stuff just to do something, like singing loudly or creating other noise pollution etc. It feels exactly like Lucas felt at first when he appeared, just the energy going on and it felt exhausting to have that all the time distracting everything, but it's nothing like Lucas ended up being like, when he was "ready" and the energy got caught inside him and felt only positive after that. Now it's either Lucas re-creating himself or there's a new guy coming. There's also face and body chosen and ready, which either mean that's how Lucas or possible new part will end up looking like. Or then it's just Sami's celebrity crush, and that's the reason for this guy in our head. It's really hard to tell what's what, but there's lot of things going on anyway, and movie made it more chaotic.

Sami went to see T, and we ended up with solution I'll go in next time and we think more about whether to leave or stay then. It was a roller coaster for our T certainly, she clearly wasn't prepared to how it all went, she wasn't prepared for Sami (they havent met before we got triggered a week ago, and she didn't realize the switch) or wasn't prepared how persistent he is. It took a while for her to realize he actually means things he says, he doesn't talk about ending the therapy as a way to get attention or play drama, but was actually ready to do it and T kind of had to see it twice to realize he's truly serious.

She thought he was trying to make her angry on purpose and they certainly didn't talk same language. There was several times Sami got frustrated because T couldn't keep up with things she said herself or things Sami said. For example Sami says sentence 1 and sentence 2. T reacts to sentence 2 by asking something about it, although the answer to the question was already in the sentence 1, that was said few seconds ago. Same thing with things she said herself, after two sentences she didn't remember one of them anymore, or didn't understand what was Sami referring to. Sami remembers and pays attention solely to factual things, like what words were used and what they mean and has huge capacity to remember conversations, it was really frustrating to him. At some point he ended up laughing because nothing was heard or understood, they weren't on the same level at all. It's not something he usually does, crazy kids laughing in our head after the movie probably had a role why his frustration came out as a laughter. Finally T kind of suddenly understood it's all about safety, and we don't feel safe and we are ready to actually leave and decide it there and cancel starting from next week, and her attitude changed.

Sami was there to make sure T understands she did break a boundary and when I said about it and she didn't listen it actually means a lot. Plus there was lot of history that lead to the situation and she hasn't been aware of it all, I've been aware of some things and realized she hasn't understood how important they are to us, but there were lot of factors I wasn't aware why they were there, before Sami shared his info with me about things that has happened in therapy. Anyway, there was a boundary crossed and people don't get away with doing that to us, and Sami was there to make T actually receiving to things we say, to actually understand them and understand our boundaries just will not be crossed like that. He was making sure if it feels safe enough for me to go there again or not.

In the end when Sami was able to make her see his point, our point of view, way she then reacted there, didn't make me feel like walking away without ever talking to her again. So I will go in next week and I will talk about stuff with T then and see where it leads.

My memory of T session is kind of foggy, although I saw and heard everything and can remember stuff. But it kind of gets mixed with the movie inside the head, and I feel like we acted totally crazy. Then I think of it and it's not true. Sami was not happy and he doesn't hide it when he's not happy, he went there to do defender stuff, not friends. I know it wasn't easy for T, but it wasn't meant to be either although I feel bad anyway because of "attacking" her. Sami was angry but I don't think he was aggressive, and to me there's a huge difference. I do remember there were several long pauses. T was thinking of something or maybe waiting for Sami to make next move, but he doesn't have that need to fill silence with saying something. He says something when he has something to say. He got frustrated because he doesn't like it when he needs to repeat same thing again. He laughed because it felt absurd to him to not get things thru, and I understood T felt hurt because of that (laughter), and he stopped laughing. He wasn't laughing at her, but for the situation and stopped it based on Ts reaction, because in the end he's not mean or trying to be mean. I can admit he can come across that way tho. It's kind of the point, that he is able to do things I'm not, because I feel bad for other people and feel guilty if I'm not "easy".

The most important mission we had got accomplished, and it was getting "little black thing", toy Leon projects his fears into, out of Ts office, although it technically is Ts. Leon has not asked if he can have it, but if he would've, we know T would've said yes. Just like he got the little boy figure. But Little black thing is something Leon is easily worried about, it's safety in T's office, and that was our only weak spot that T could've played against us. To use the toy kind of like a weapon against us, because it's so important to Leon, but still T's property. If it would be put to a box with other toys Leon would be devastated, because he believes then Little black thing would be abused. The fact we had several options how to rescue Little black thing from T's office kind of tells how deep the distrust was. Now I have trust that what ever we decide or what ever we do, she wouldn't play manipulative games at little's expense or any games at all. And that's why it feels safe enough for me to go there next week.

I'm kind of exhausted. And still feel like a crazy person. And technically I am, so maybe it doesn't matter.

Flor

Dat is so cool what for you gettin black fing for LEON did you tell him yet

HEY LEON YOUR BLACK FING IS SAFE

Did he hear me?

I fink grace lady an mo were wantin to writ but they think to loud sometimes an when I heard dem finkin about little black thing I had to say somfin an I goin to the littles place now so Mo an grace lady can write to you lake OK?
Peter

MeMyselfMaureen wrote:Dat is so cool what for you gettin black fing for LEON did you tell him yet

HEY LEON YOUR BLACK FING IS SAFE

Did he hear me?

I fink grace lady an mo were wantin to writ but they think to loud sometimes an when I heard dem finkin about little black thing I had to say somfin an I goin to the littles place now so Mo an grace lady can write to you lake OK?
Peter

Hi Peter!

LEON isn't around the way I could hear him, and that's why he can't answer to you now, but I do think he can still know when things that are important to him are happening. He may hear you, I can't feel him answering cause he's not that way close, but I think he can still hear. If he didn't, we'll tell him right away when he comes back, because he's gonna be happy about Little black thing being safe and because you cared about it too. And he's gonna be happy about that. He'll come to see you at little's place when he'll be back. I think he's waving at you.

Oh, you know what Peter! I clicked smiley face, just added one and then moved a bit and suddenly there were TWO MORE smiley faces that I didn't put there, so I DO think he certainly heard you.