Rant about DID specialist TW why is this so hard

Rive wrote:Why can't it just be that I am psychotic?

Psychosis come with a lot more symptoms than the hallucination ; and you can have hallucination without a psychosis.

In fact, hearing outside or inner voices has been proven by some studies to be a "false positive" for psychosis. A lot of people who experienced traumas, specially sexual traumas, can have all kind of hallucinatory experiences mixed up with flashbacks, and they aren't psychotic at all.

It's even more true for DID people, who can have hallucinatory experiences about their alters, as their brain can use hallucinations to try to make sense of the "multiple identities in one body" thing ; in most case, the hallucinations will disappear while learning to cooperate and communicate, but in some systems, it can be used as an actual way to communicate.

I've seen this lady maybe 12 times at the most. Three of those times were 16 years ago. I have told her the names that are mentioned in my chatter (Which have been like 40) I told her the names and ages of what some looked like and some of what they said when I talked to them. Which I wholeheartedly believe is just me questioning and answering myself. So let's entertain that. That there are no alters that have said anything to me because I believe that. The bad things that I think (Which I thought was a alter named Thorne) are funny could just be nervous laughter. You can Google why people laugh at bad things and all kinds of things pop up about anxiety causing nervous laughter. How does my Psychologist think it's a alter just based on that info? Then people who are singletons can confused about what they want and don't want. They can have bad desires and yet know it is wrong and not want to hurt people(those could explain Abela and that I have a conscience) The word salad I have in my head (nonsensical thoughts) that my Psychologist says is from a psychotic alter could be intrusive thoughts. How does she know it's a psychotic or manic bipolar alter? She can't.

-- Sat Jan 11, 2020 11:01 am --

Can you explain that a little simpler Dwelt? I have learning difficulties.

Rive, you're like the blind men and the elephant parable, only backwards. You just won't believe it's an elephant (just to be clear, elephant = DID). You're like, "well, this feels like a rope, so why should I believe you when you tell me it's a tail? And, this feels like a snake, so why should I believe you when you tell me it's a trunk? And, this feels like a wall, so why should I believe you when you tell me it's the side of the elephant?"

And whenever we take you around to a different part of the elephant, you say, well, it could just be x, y, or z, and NOT part of an elephant. Once in awhile though, you say "ok, it's an elephant. I see it now. Thanks, guys." But then you're right back to "but why isn't it just a rope?!?"

This is why I keep suggesting that you go back and read ALL of your posts. Because we, the people who keep responding to you on here over and over again, are standing back a couple of feet, remembering the things you've written, and looking at the big gray mammal standing there, and all I can say is, I'm sorry, but it IS an elephant.

There's is always the possibility that any given thing could be something else.

No. There isn’t. If it’s attached and dangling from the rear end of an elephant, it’s a tail.

And I think this might be part of a defense against acknowledging trauma. If you hold onto the possibility that it could somehow be normal fatherly affection for him to snap a photo of you sitting in a way that shows more than you meant to, or that it’s ok for a mother to threaten to send her 8 year old to an orphanage for behavior that clearly shows she’s been sexually abused, then you don’t have to face that there’s no other explanation except severe abuse to explain what happened to you. And I only know the little bits you’ve posted.

If it could always be something else, then you don’t have to face it.

your specialist will be watching out for shifts in your body language as you talk. If you always display a "non-rive" body language when talking about a certain topic then she can be certain that it isn't you talking about the topic.

It doesnt have anything to do with my father. I am 43 years old. DID happens in childhood. I have no memory of my father touching me innapropriately. I am not confirming or denying that I was sexually abused as a child because I don't know. I don't have any memory of it. I realize many people don't but not everyone who is sexually abused turns out to have DID. I think the problem is that my treatment providers and others got false information but not intentionally though. Here is a lady that comes in and says she feels like a different person. Must be DID. They don't take in consideration that people have conflicting desires. All people can have conflicting desires. Singletons, Multiples etc. People can want to harm because they have those urges for whatever reason and not really want to harm anyone because they have a conscience. My treatment providers don't take that into consideration. They also say Oh, I have never heard her speak word salad so she isn't psychotic but has an alter who is. They don't think we'll maybe that's intrusive thoughts. It has to be a psychotic alter with no other basis than that. She must be DID. Then they Oh, she has a part of her that thinks bad things are funny it is a alter. Gives no reason why than it doesn't feel like her. They don't think Oh, well that can just be nervous laughter, people can think bad things are funny. They just assume it's DID. People like to watch scary movies doesn't mean they are multiple. Then they say this lady has communication with her alters when I have told them that I dont think thats real. Thats my truth and they aren't listening. She can also describe them when I told them that I only went by what I imagined they looked like so she must have DID. They aren't listening and maybe it did sound like DID. I can't really see these alters, I only get a sense that Thorne is there but like I explained before that could be a number of things. I dont have any idea of how this alters look, feel, sound and act. Only emotions that's not DID. I have unintentionally put myself in box where everyone around me believes I have DID just because I wanted an explanation and felt like it may fit.

Rive wrote:I am soooooo freaking irritated right now. My DID specialist said I am in denial because either I say my alters don't talk or they do but I don't listen to them.

Rive, this is just one quote from your original post but I think it's worth pointing out that things you quote your T as saying are things which members here have said to you in a similar way. Actually, since you're relying as we all do on memory of therapy sessions, some of what you relate that she said is paraphrasing rather than quoting -- unless your memory is perfect or you wrote them down in session.

Here are some facts as far as you've related:
1. You've been diagnosed with DID by more than one person.
2. You've come to a DID forum of your own free will and are posting here.
3. You (or one of you) have owned having DID quite sincerely in some posts here.
4. You continue to doubt many interpretations, your own and others', about what's going on and you're frustrated and even angry about that. For example, you labeled this post a rant.
5. You've stated that you tend to doubt all sorts of things, that there's an obsessiveness about that doubt, and it sometimes causes you to doubt things you were previously sure of.

It seems naive, or at least a no-win move, to expect someone outside of your head, a T or anyone, to be able to state definitively, let alone be able to back up, whether any specific experience or set of behaviors you relate is an alter or not. It's your experience, in your head.

I can't always identify what's coming from whom, whether this or that thought, emotion or behavior is coming from an alter or from me or from somewhere else -- and I've been dealing with an awareness of DID for 8+ years. Also, I'm the one there with it happening, I'm the one experiencing it, and I can't always state what's happening. I think it's the same for everybody with DID.

Can you think of an example of your T might say that would satisfy you completely? Not "she could answer the question" because she actually did give you an answer (according to what you wrote) but you didn't accept it as a valid answer. Try to give us any example of what she could say that would let you feel like your question was fully answered. I'm really curious what exactly you're looking for, that matters.

Well I think if the alters actually sounded different, had actual different ways of acting and gave off a certain vibe it would be much easier for me to believe. They don't though I only feel there emotions and I have no true way of knowing that they aren't just conflicting feelings of a singletons. Also it was my understanding that DID was much more than just feelings what others think. They have to have a different way they act (mannerisms, etc.)spoke differently etc. and I just can't believe if I don't have that. That is just how it is for me. So it would be helpful for her to explain why she thinks it is alters (for the record her and my therapist have said they have never seen me switch). So for example when she says I have a sexual alter, psychotic alter, homicidal alter it would be helpful to know why she thinks that they are alters other than because you dont feel the way they do. Then explain to me how that can not just be conflicting feelings in one single person.

-- Sun Jan 12, 2020 6:07 pm --

Well I think if the alters actually sounded different, had actual different ways of acting and gave off a certain vibe it would be much easier for me to believe. They don't though I only feel there emotions and I have no true way of knowing that they aren't just conflicting feelings of a singletons. Also it was my understanding that DID was much more than just feelings what others think. They have to have a different way they act (mannerisms, etc.)spoke differently etc. and I just can't believe if I don't have that. That is just how it is for me. So it would be helpful for her to explain why she thinks it is alters (for the record her and my therapist have said they have never seen me switch). So for example when she says I have a sexual alter, psychotic alter, homicidal alter it would be helpful to know why she thinks that they are alters other than because you dont feel the way they do. Then explain to me how that can not just be conflicting feelings in one single person.

Rive wrote:Well I think if the alters actually sounded different, had actual different ways of acting and gave off a certain vibe it would be much easier for me to believe. They don't though I only feel there emotions and I have no true way of knowing that they aren't just conflicting feelings of a singletons. Also it was my understanding that DID was much more than just feelings what others think. They have to have a different way they act (mannerisms, etc.)spoke differently etc. and I just can't believe if I don't have that. That is just how it is for me.

So, your alters would have to conform to your incorrect perception of the way alters are "supposed" to be, and since they happen to make themselves known in the same way that alters do for many, if not most, of the people who post on here, you just can't (won't) believe they exist.

Ok, so how about if you proceed from here on as if this is all your own conflicting emotions--just proceed as if you don't have alters.

What will you do to manage those feelings? Write about them? Discuss them in therapy and try to see where they stem from in your childhood? Just do that and stop worrying about whether or not they're alters, since that seems to be getting you nowhere. If they're not dissociated feelings, then you'll be able to work with them as a singleton would.

Staying stuck on this question is just avoiding dealing with the actual feelings that you have.