Rant about DID specialist TW why is this so hard

TRIGGER WARNING ( I have to mark this as denial but I don't think it is)****

I am soooooo freaking irritated right now. My DID specialist said I am in denial because either I say my alters don't talk or they do but I don't listen to them. Then I said I don't know if Abela is a sexual or or it's just me and she said it's all part of one brain. That is NOT answering my *&*^^&** question!!!!! I just want to know if I need to do things to help an alter or I need to do things to help myself. I just want to know if it's just me but I have a conscience. Or is it a sexual alter. I don't understand why that is a hard question for her to answer?! Then she said Timmy was my sexual alter not Abela and I tried to tell her that I can't keep track of them because they aren't freaking real!!!! and she just says well they can morph. WTLF?!?!!!! The biggest thing that is pissing me off is she said that Timmy or whoever comes up to bat when sexual stuff comes up. How TF does she know that's not just me?!! F*^&!

Your body language will give away who is fronting.

I realy didnt feel like having a meeting yesterday so I dreased in Mo's gear. Mo is brusk and most people don't bother trying to debate with her. I opened the door did my best Mo pose and the lady said "hi grace" turns out she knew it was me because I am incapable of eye contact and Mo is all about giving people the eyeball.

your specialist will be watching out for shifts in your body language as you talk. If you always display a "non-rive" body language when talking about a certain topic then she can be certain that it isn't you talking about the topic.

Next time you see her why not ask how she can tell.

The way I look at it is help the problem. You or your alter has a problem of inappropriate sexual urges.

Whether it's you or your alter help you or your alter like you would help your best friend.

Discuss the urges. Discuss the route cause. Discuss how to make it better or safer or stop or whatever is possible.

In my system some parts choose to own everything that's happened over the whole of the bodies life whether they were involved or not whether it was trauma or ok times or choices other alters made - everything. Some parts, Rose, Patrick, Karen, Peter choose to take everything on board as theirs.

Paul and No-one like to distinguish who's bad choices were who's between themselves - they have both done things they shouldn't. They accept the others right to also take responsibility though but between them they have clear cut "that was me" They will help other alters with things they experienced, see it as "we" but don't own it as there's. Paul tried with some trauma stuff, couldn't understand why we were not drunk or high, had a heart attack, the twins put him in a time out in their world which was like a holiday he said and he isn't owning it all because his reaction to it would currently not be healthy.

Beth did own and take responsibility for everything but she's free of all adult trauma and choices now - she was heavily in the body for most of it but now she's free. Her individual memories are gone. She is better for that.

Karen regressed as a coping mechanism but can go back up in age and still sees it all as hers.

I kind of see both sides. I can see it's possible and ok to view it as all me, all mine. I can also see how different things belong to different parts.

The overlord sees all the childhood as his involvement and although he was involved in who fronted as an adult he wasn't in the body himself so he sees himself as a contributor to adult life but not a direct engagement so doesn't feel anything about adult life. He sees it as "did what thought was best at the time. Can't do more"

My point is it's ok to see it as your problem or as an alters or both. However you decide to see it be kind to yourself how you would be kind to a best friend.

Sara

That's just it she can't tell. She has never seen me switch, or front or anything. She is just going by what I have said that I don't want to have those sexual feelings so she says it's an alter. A alter that comes up to handle sexual things. She is NOT telling me how a multiple would tell what was the main hosts desire versus a alter feeling something. Or mainly just a singleton having bad desires but they fight it because they have a conscience. Therefore having conflicting feelings. I have asked her many times and she always goes on a tangent about how it's a alter, we are all the same person, etc and never answers my question. People can feel like they want something and not want something in a singletons brain. It's human nature, good versus evil. She is NOT telling me how to tell whats just that versus how I know it my host and another alter having conflicting feelings.

It isn't talked about much, but it's very very normal not to know. I'm not surprised at all that your specialist is not able to tell. There are no clear-cut answers, except for feeling a divide between your wishes and theirs.

It sounds like you think that an alter is a real "thing", like depression is often thought of as a real "thing". In fact, all diagnoses are only labels for symptoms that often co-occur. The symptoms are the real "thing".

I think your T and the people on here have given you plenty of good advice. It's time to be compassionate to yourself. You can still talk to yourself and it will help, even if it wouldn't be an alter. You can still proceed without knowing.

Then I said I don't know if Abela is a sexual or or it's just me and she said it's all part of one brain. That is NOT answering my *&*^^&** question!!!!! I just want to know if I need to do things to help an alter or I need to do things to help myself

It doesn't matter if it's an alter or "just you". You are experiencing those urges too, even if they aren't yours. You can feel them. You can talk about them.
Helping an alter or helping yourself will be kind of the same : you'll have to talk about those urges.

I just want to know if it's just me but I have a conscience. Or is it a sexual alter. I don't understand why that is a hard question for her to answer?!

Because it's a specialist doesn't mean she has all the answer... she's not in your head...

That's just it she can't tell. She has never seen me switch, or front or anything.

Or so you think.
My ex was always able to tell who was co-present with me, and she was sometimes able to say "Hi [alter]" even before we realized we were about to switch.
You can switch, be co-present, and not know about it.

She is NOT telling me how a multiple would tell what was the main hosts desire versus a alter feeling something.

Because it's not something easy that everyone is able to do by instinct... Some alters can have so much influence on another one, it's hard to tell the difference. It requires knowing who is who and to get to know those alters.

Around the age of 12, Kal's anger was really affecting me. Daem had to lock him away. He wasn't able to come close to the front, but I was still able to sense him sometimes. I discovered where this "out-of-nowhere-and-not-mine" anger came from at the age of 20, when I discovered my system and Kal.

Claude was the one who liked to hurt people when he saw them as a threat, and because of his paranoia tendencies, he was really quick at seeing someone as a threat. He was using passive influence on purpose to go through me, unnoticed, in order to end my relationships.
The first step to work with him was to pay attention to my feelings to know when he was taking over me.

It's not always easy to tell "this is me" and "this is another alter" ; because it's not how it works. It's "this is me, and this is also me but different". Sometime, the difference is enough to tell who is who easily, sometimes it's not.

Or mainly just a singleton having bad desires but they fight it because they have a conscience.
[...]
People can feel like they want something and not want something in a singletons brain.

I asked my singleton friends about that.

The only one who gave a name to those "out-of-nowhere" feelings has a dissociative disorder. Not DID, but derealisation/depersonalization. And she was still able to say "it's me", she gave a name or see it as different from her only because it was easier to deal with it that way.

Usually, it's "I want this because it's nice" and "I don't want this because I know it's not reasonable... but I still want it." Unless it's a very complex situation, there's no "I want / don't want" at the same time. It's more about wanting something and knowing it's not appropriate.

They can have conflicted desires, like wanting chocolate even when they don't like chocolate, but it's rare.

On another hand, I can remember a ton of situations where an alter wanted something I didn't, it was totally a mess in our brain, switching from one desire to another one and being unable to stick to one decision because of that. It was really an effort to choose a behavior and to stick to it.

Thanks guys, I think it's just so hard with Abela or Timmy because she is all I have ever known so it's very hard to distinguish if she is me or an alter. With Thorne she revealed herself at age 14 or so and I just know she is not me. I am working on my issues regardless of who they are from. I'm getting ready to start hypnosis again. It would just give me such a sense of relief if I knew it was coming from another alter.

As my T pointed out to me (umpteen times!), he is not a multiple. Calls himself a single personality disordered. He knows from experience with other DIDs, study, listening and educated guessing. He doesn't know as we know. There is no DID book or universal path. Every DID is different.

Have thought if he could just come inside for ten minutes, he would understand what it is like. Save me inadequate attempts at explaining.

I would like that too. I mean if she would just answer this question in a way that just doesn't jump to you have DID and actually explain it:

So people without DID may want something or not want something but not at the same time. That's a singletons brain. Multiples want something and don't want something at the same time. What if it is a bad thing though? Not like "Hey, I want French fries." then No, I don't like them." If its a bad thing and you're not positive you are DID but have been diagnosed. How would you know if it's a singletons Hey, I want to do this bad thing then the little angel on your shoulder that everyone has ( your conscience, morals, etc) says but that's not right! Or if you are multiple (and because you are all alters) be able to tell that one of you wants to do good and one of you doesnt? One of you wants to commit an action that goes against your morals and one doesn't.

She doesn't help me though. She just assumes I am a multiple and EVERYTHING I say is Oh, that's an alter.Or That's because you have DID. When she doesn't answer my questions in a way were she complaints Oh, is this a DID or non DID and doesn't explain why it makes me wonder if I should even see her. Or she is just going to be on the DID train with everything we talk about.

-- Fri Jan 10, 2020 7:22 pm --

I would like that too. I mean if she would just answer this question in a way that just doesn't jump to you have DID and actually explain it:

So people without DID may want something or not want something but not at the same time. That's a singletons brain. Multiples want something and don't want something at the same time. What if it is a bad thing though? Not like "Hey, I want French fries." then No, I don't like them." If its a bad thing and you're not positive you are DID but have been diagnosed. How would you know if it's a singletons Hey, I want to do this bad thing then the little angel on your shoulder that everyone has ( your conscience, morals, etc) says but that's not right! Or if you are multiple (and because you are all alters) be able to tell that one of you wants to do good and one of you doesnt? One of you wants to commit an action that goes against your morals and one doesn't.

She doesn't help me though. She just assumes I am a multiple and EVERYTHING I say is Oh, that's an alter.Or That's because you have DID. When she doesn't answer my questions in a way were she complaints Oh, is this a DID or non DID and doesn't explain why it makes me wonder if I should even see her. Or she is just going to be on the DID train with everything we talk about.

My DID Psychologist thinks everything is DID. I told her about the nonsensical stuff the chatter says and she said well that's word salad and since I have never heard you speak word salad it has to be a a bipolar manic alter or a psychotic alter. Why can't it just be that I am psychotic? Or if I say I have homicidal thoughts. She says well thats a alter because you don't want to do that. How does she know when I don't even know?