Rant about DID specialist TW why is this so hard

Two problems with that. One my Psychologist won't take anything else for a answer. I could not see her that would be fine with me. The thing is I really like my therapist and I feel I could open up to her. There is literally nothing to open up about. I have told her everything I can remember about my childhood. We do not know why the bad urges started. I have a very limited about of knowledge about my childhood. She said it doesn't matter where the thoughts come just that we try to fix them. How do you do that when you don't know where they came from? We've talked till I am blue in the face about it. She just keeps telling me to practice my breathing, Earth Wind Water Fire, my safe place, my prayers of compassion. I don't know what to do to make these urges go away. Nobody will help anyone unless they have acted and even then they don't help you. So what else can I do? My therapist and I are supposed to talk more about things on Tuesday. Hypnosis with my Psychologist to tell the sexual alter that I don't believe I have to go away isn't working.

I read "Turtles all the way down", by John Green and it reminded me a lot of you. It brought deeper understanding of what it's like to struggle with OCD. It seems to me like you are obsessed with whether it's DID or not and it serves a clear purpose: to distract from facing the issues. And I was thinking, maybe you don't yet have the capacity in your life to face the issues. Birdsong wrote an article about capacity on their website, explaining it like you have a pool and it can be overtaken with beach balls, so that there is no space to add more beach balls (more problems, realizations, etc.)

So maybe you can talk with your therapist about how you will increase capacity. Because even if there is denial or "stuckness", those are a sign in themselves, and the sign is that you're overloaded, don't have capacity for it at the moment.

I think your T's suggestions are pretty good for a start. Sadly there is no intervention that will just *poof* make something go away.

I have the capacity. I just have OCD and OCD is the doubting disease. I need much more evidence than a person that doesnt have OCD. Even when I have it and for little while maybe a day or two max. I'm soothed but then the doubt creeps back in and it's all a series of questioning again. When I was really young it was all rituals. Hand washing, redressing, counting, checking the stove or the door etc. When I got older it changed. It started being about whether or not I had OCD. Then it was whether I was sexually abused. Then was, was I going to tell for doubting God's existence. Now it just happens to be whether I have DID. It's like my mind always has to have something to worry about now that I dont have rituals. It's a chemical imbalance in my brain. I am on meds which probably helps the rituals but it's just like the Ocd didn't have any way to come out So now it comes out like this. I don't know what else I could do. I already take 150mg of Zoloft every night.

Have you ever thought that maybe you need the rituals? and cutting them out has made you mentally obsessive?

Just saying. I am autistic and for years I strove to be "normal" I denied myself various "isms" because they made me obviously Autistic and I would have meltdowns when things got to much. Now that autism is the least of my worries I indulge in my "isms" and guess what. I don't get overloaded at all anymore. Its like allowing my body to go through the motions keeps my mind free for other stuff where as when I wasn't going through the motions my mind was clogged up with denying my body what it needed to stay calm.

btw those needs were
weighted vest
food organised by colour and nutritional group.
shoes and coat on and pace up and down the hall for exactly 5 minuts before going ANYWHERE
something to twist
something to rub between my fingers
to click my tounge/rhythamicly flap my hands/make popping noises for no apparent reason

Maybe there are some rituals of yours which do nobody any harm and might help you if you went back to them? Then you wouldn't need to doubt your DID because you have something else as a vent for your OCD. Worth asking the T.

Yeah, I really need to do something with my life. I just sit at my group home obsessing all day. The problem is I have literally no motivation. I believe we have a purpose in life. I haven't found mine. I don't have any motivation to. Maybe I will start writing again or volunteer at my local animal shelter. Not to get into a political debate but my mom has me freaking out that I will lose my benefits and be homeless starving because a certain party wants to make us stop eating cows because they fart and take all our benefits away lol. So now I'm worried about that.