Today's session with my DID Psychologist

Daycare, well, there you go.

We have had all sorts of sexual thoughts that I find uncomfortable to disturbing. None of them involve children or us doing bad things to other people but they do revolve around bad things being done to us. The thoughts are reenactments of things that were done to us or they're derived from those events. We know the function, for us, of the mental replays is to reduce the terror, rage, embarrassment and confusion. That is built in to how and when the tapes play and the evidence of them being replays are the content and our memories that match or parallel that content.

Early on I didn't remember all the abuse events but after some of what I recalled began fitting in place, I knew it was only a matter of time until I remembered the rest. I'd read so many biographies and autobiographies about people with DID that this was predictable.

For people with DID, 99% of disturbing sexual thoughts or fantasies are likely to be a direct or indirect result of sexual abuse. Starting from this likelihood should help you put aside at least some of the fear, guilt, and shame and enable you to hold some compassion and understanding for yourselves.

Daycare is where the sex with peers started when I was young. I don't remember every being sexually abused by an adult. When the thoughts started.

You do know that in DID, hosts aren't likely to remember the abuse if it didn't happen to that host, right? An alter who experienced the abuse would remember but even they can dissociate it away to some extent. You may remember the impact of that on an alter's behavior (even if didn't understand back then that it was another alter, not you) if they acted out in some way.

I myself originally remembered nothing about other the parents and others abusing us. I did recall some of the acting out, which once took the form of "playing doctor" with a girl when I was 5. I remembered some of what we did, basically take our cloths off and look at each other in a mirror. What happened before and after was filled in a few years and by this girl grown up. I asked her, still a friend, if she remembered it, and she did. I was sexually abused as a child and, it turns out, so was she, by a sibling.

Small children are curious but they do not have any understanding of adult sexual acts unless they experience them, or perhaps view them, neither of which results from proper parenting.

Yes, it's just very hard for me to get help with my thoughts because I don't know where they come from without the memories. I just know that they started when I was around 8. I started having the thoughts about my newborn sister. My mom didn't understand why I wouldn't help with my sister, why I slept all the time and why I was acted out sexually by saying sexual things. She only took me to the doctor when I told her that I wanted to die. I don't know what me and the therapist talked about. I just remember my last session when she got me and my parents in the room and they told me how upsetting the things I was doing were. When nothing worked my mom took me to the orphanage and said get better or get out. I didn't want to go in there and be motherless and fatherless and not get to grow up with my sister because I did love her. So I didn't have anyone to tell my bad thoughts to. I never really knew that Abela could be an alter. I always felt weird about Thorne like she was foreign to me. I guess I didnt ever think that Abela was because like I said part of me does seem to enjoy things they shouldn't only I can't tell if it's me or an alter. Maybe I just have a conscience. A moral compass like my old T used to say. When I found out Abela could be an alter I hot excited because I finally felt like maybe I wasn't totally to blame. But I don't know if she is and all this talk of how they are just part of me has me feeling hopeless and like I don't deserve to be on this Earth.