Dream

There was a dream... A school, white posh people on the upper levels. Under the school was a basement school that nobody knew was there. In the basement school there was poor white kids and black kids. I don't know if the school was racist as well as posh but there were no black kids in the upper school. Under the basement school there was a lower basement. In that basement which is dark and damp there was a woman in her late teens. The people who run the school were putting two boys there with her but I didn't like to leave anyone there so I took them all from the basement. We went through the school and out into the street. Got on a bus. The bus stopped by a club but it was 1am so there was a queue because the club was full. Then an old friend was in the dream outside the club throwing up.

I am worried about my middle son at the moment. When I went to hospital him and my middle daughter went to stay with my mother.

I was worried about sa when they went there last July. They don't have much contact and the time before when I was in hospital, 6 years previously they stayed with their Dad. I called social care who said they are OK and convinced me that my children could not be being abused because they are older, has minimal contact and would tell me.

My daughter is home but my son is refusing. I'm not surprised because firstly my mother is spiteful and secondly because my daughter thinks more for herself, my middle son is more easily lead.

I think this dream was reminding me that my mother's family hates males. I felt anxiety leaving the two boys in the basement because of the woman who looked like a younger version of my mother. Then after a wrote it I remembered how ingrained hating men is in my mother and generationally through her family.

Just now I remember Batcho had what I would call an auditory kind of hallucination. The next door neighbours were out chatting and he thought they said "she is trying to destroy our son" obviously we knew it was a mishear. They have no reason to say it and don't know our mother.

But it's just occurred to me... I thought it was spite against me which it probably partially is but also I am now concerned that she will be emotionally spiteful to Ted.

The social worker who visited said she is...very basically. She said my mother is very negative about Ted and me. And said that she was trying to be polite in how she put it. Ted is most influenced by everything out of all my children. I tried to get him thinking for himself but it doesn't come naturally like it does with my others. He's a follower not a leader as some would say. So my daughter I found out basically did what she wanted - stayed at friends, went to my sisters but Ted just stayed there listening to them. Even when I called, he wouldn't answer but my daughter if there was alone in a bedroom and would answer the phone.

Abuse encompasses many things. My mother is passive aggressive and emotionally abusive and very psychological. She'll take what he loves. She'll have to work out what that is first. I know what it is but paranoia won't let me write it. I'm praying my son has strength enough in himself to survive her if he does stay there permanently which is what they seem to want to do. If he does that I fear I'll have a lot of adult pieces to pick up. Thinking he'll get out unscathed is unrealistic.

I was in a massive casino. It looked more like an old university though. I went to what looked like a cloakroom and tried to put a bet on but they wouldn't take my bet.

Then I went to the casino shop, which sold food like a supermarket. The lady was friendly and tried to help with how the casino would take my bet.

I went to a table and sat down. I put my shopping down. I forgot it was there and went to explore the old building.

There was a middle forecourt with people queueing to get into a gamblers anonymous group it looked like. Then I went back inside to the bar.

I was sitting at a large round table and a guy came and sat down and said his name was Shane. He seemed slightly drunk and maybe hungover. He was friendly and nice though. His brother came over but kept his back to me. I said I need to get my shopping home. Shane's brother said to him "yeah well you live here"

I realised I'd lost my shopping. Went to look for it but could not find it. I left the casino and as I exited the old fashioned iron gates I woke up.

Sarah

I could free associate and analyse this dream but I'm more concerned about Shane. The twins will create internal traps.

I think they are keeping Shane there because they think he went too far saying about Devil Worship. They pretended he regressed to a fragment but actually kept him internal.

The system overall does not believe his accounts. I do because I believe everyone else. I believe he has that experience whether in reality as is or something similar that he interprets as that.

I know the woods where he says it happened had fires in the clearing because although I wasn't allowed in there I went in there anyway. I know it always felt dark and evil but it's a wood so I put it down to that. I know once I argued with myself about being there when the fire was alight in the night but I had a "vivid imagination" so I put it down to that.

I'm feeling very angry now because of all the other stuff that used to be said to me "you can't trust your own mind" and "people always remember stuff wrong" I have tested this on myself in quizzes and get high scores so I'm pretty sure I can generally trust my own mind.

Shane or any other alters accounts are completely different to when I imagine stuff or go psychotic. Those things always involve actual fairy stories, pirates or ware wolves etc. It feels different to an alter account, a flashback and doesn't have the deep scaring emotions. My imagination is healing, the memories are trauma. It's very different.

So they better let Shane out or I am coming to get him.

Sarah