I don't know what to do about Abela (Trigger Warning)

Rive wrote:I can see how Thorne may be helpful but I do not see how Abela is helpful. How is she of any help? She wants to touch people inappropriately . Not just any people but helpless people and animals.

It makes me think about a story I've read once, about a guy and his adopted son, on another website. The guy and his wife wanted a child, and finally have been able to adopt a little boy. Everything seemed to be fine, the boy was very polite and nice, a bit shy, but nothing to worry his new parents.


***TW sexual behavior in children***

Then, something like a month after he was adopted, when his dad came into his room to say "goodnight", the child suddenly grab his dad's private parts. His dad was totally surprised but gently made him stop and asked him why he was doing that.
The child, who was totally confused and almost crying, answered : "Isn't how you show your love to a grown-up ?"

The parents went to the social worker who was in charge of the child's supervision, and they discovered that he might have been sexually abused, but there were no evidence of it.
The previous persons who take "care" of the child might have taught him this was an appropriate behavior and the child, not knowing anything about it, believed them.

*** End of TW ***


There were no demon involved, only very, very bad "parenting" from his previous "parents". A child will learn and believe anything a grown-up will taught or show them.
If the parent's of that child had scolded him for doing that, do you really think it would have helped the child to understand it's not something children are supposed to do ? No. It would have confused him even more, and certainly scared him, because he really thought it was something people wanted him to do.

So they took times to explain to him that he wasn't with his previous parents anymore, this behavior isn't something a child should do with grown-up, but they knew it wasn't his fault, and they will teach him more appropriate ways to show his love to other people.

Abela might be like this child : thinking it's something her authority figure want her to do. She might not know this authority figure isn't around anymore, or just doesn't know a better way to cope with the world.
She needs help, guidance and patience, and just like this child, she can learn other ways to deal with the situation if you're ready to work with her.

Blaming other parts for what they do or want to do will not help. Abusers used blaming to make you-all feel ashamed and make sure you will behave.
If you know a better way to cope with the situation, then it's up to you to guide them, to explain it to them.

Neither Thorne or Abela has ever spoken. Not in childhood not now. Why would they start now?

If they don't talk, it doesn't mean they can't hear you. They can, and would you like to talk with someone who call you "a demon", who's scared by you and blame you ?

But that means they also can hear you if you want to gently explain why some behaviors are inappropriate now, if you're ready to be kind and patient with them. You might need to repeat and explain a lot why some behaviors aren't useful anymore, and what they could do instead. It will be normal : they have many, many things to unlearn, and they might not believe at first that you are really ready to try to understand them and be kind to them.

Maybe it's not easy to see, but I can assure you they are as scared as you are by this whole thing.
You're in this together, there's no point at fighting each other.


Until last year, I was scared of Claude because he's an introject of my father. He was mean, liked to hurt people, liked to trigger the others of the system, saw threats everywhere and was always ready to overreact. He screwed almost all of our friendships and was behind the end of my relationship with my ex.
But, one day, I decided to try to understand him. I was the only one in the system crazy enough to do that, but it worked. He tried to humiliate me and to made my life a living hell at first, triggering flashbacks to Kal and me, trying to trigger Kal suicidal feelings, etc. only because he didn't trust me and was trying to test me and the rest of the system. We've always been suspicious and mean to him, why should he trust this new kindness ?

When he saw I wasn't going to reject him, that I was handling his behaviors by saying things like "okay, I get it, you don't like that and you think it will expose us. You know you could just have told me that, eh ?", we finally reached a status quo in April 2018.
He was kind of behaving, but not really cooperative yet. He still wanted to hurt outside people he saw as a threat or to trigger them just for fun, and sometimes tried to trigger us to made us do what he wanted.
But I've never, ever, been angry at him for that. It would have been what he wanted : rejection. Instead, I always tried to understand why he was doing that, and I discovered he never did anything without a reason. Maybe his behavior wasn't appropriate, but it never came out of nowhere. So I tried to show him other ways to cope, and he laughed at me, calling me stupid... but tried once or twice to follow my suggestions and was surprised to see it worked.

Since September of this year, a lot of bad things happened to him, and he saw that all the system was ready to have his back, that none of us will use his weakness against him. He started to really trust us, and he's ready to cooperate now. He still has his unusual ways to protect us, he still enjoys those ways, but he is also learning when he's needed and when he can let the others handle the situation, and he really wants to help us. He also discovered that his skills could be used to help other people instead of hurting them, and that helping is way more satisfying than hurting.
We were used to fear and hate him. Now, we love him, he's like our little brother.

Even "bad" alters can change and adapt themselves, and become precious allies, if you're patient enough.

There's a million reasons WHY a child can need a coping mechanism like Abela. Trigger warning : SA Maybe you were made to have sex with other people, other children, animals etc.Trigger warning ends It felt too awful, you could not do it or even think about it, that's why you never formed one identity, but several. You didn't need to think about it or do it, but someone still had to, someone in same body with you. Abela may be the one who learned to do things like that without feeling too bad, with ability to just act blindlessly, or because of fear of worse, or because of what ever reason, but she may have been the one who saved you from worse.

She also saved you from knowing. Do not use it against her now, and make her the demon in the story, just because you're blessed with not needing to remember it all. It makes you free to make what ever theories you want about her, I just ask you to be good person and see what she saved you from.

Fighting against it could've meant things even worse, or you were just too scared to not do things told. And you did not have to, because she did. She still actively does, and for her it may mean she is staying out of trouble, not causing them. She may not know outside live changed, that she lives in grown up body, that she is an alter, that there's anything wrong with what she does. We do not know her at all. This may be all she knows, or she can have fully formed personality and lot of thoughts and views and memories. We do not know, and as long as we don't, we don't assume anything about her. Only thing we DO know is that for some reason she was needed once and now she can be helped, if we can be sure those things are not happening anymore. About that you can be sure only by not being in touch with anyone who can be the original abuser(s).

The question is not how are parts useful now, the point is, once they were needed for your survival and it made sense. Their methods may not be useful at all in your current life, they may get you and themselves in trouble. But like someone suggested, that trouble can even be better in their opinion than be close to people who did all that to you, the things why you needed parts like them.

Abela and Thorne are victims, so are you. And the ones to blame are all people too.

Same way than you can never know when a thought pops up into your mind, you can never know when they are able to hear what you think, say, write. Calling them evil because they did what they did, no, just do not do that, you're lucky to be the one who does not remember. You don't have to know what happened, what made them the way they are. They were there and are heroes because they got you out from what ever was done to you, alive and sane enough. More sane than they are.

If anything, parts like that are angels. People who abused you, you can call with any names you want to, because they were adults in charge, while you were just a child, children, trying to survive. And you did. Now it's time to pay back for Abela and Thorne and help them, teach them they too are just people who were victims, and non of that was their fault. Things Abela tries to do are not fine, you need to find out WHY she does that, and you can cure the reasons. It's a long road, but you do deserve it.

I wouldn't worry too much about having tendencies like that in your system, in a way being part of the whole you. Not yet. If they're there because of trauma, they will heal, they never were true you, just traumatic survival methods. It doesn't make you an abuser. You're not abusive now, and after you have helped them heal, they aren't either. You can think your sexuality again after all that and see if there's any harmful tendencies left.

It's untreated DID that can make you dangerous, (and it's untreated DID in parents that caused DID to many of us in here). And it's your call if you actually are going to start healing and help those parts change their ways. It can be done with DID therapy, there are plenty of healed parts there that used to be difficult somehow, but are not anymore. There's your real chance to change things.

I have no clue why you keep on talking about some weird demon stuff, when you tried it already and it did not work. It is not a method to treat DID, it's more likely to make things worse. If you choose that way, you choose it knowing it's gonna traumatize you further and it does not need a rocket scientist to add things up. If treating parts with love and respect is gonna heal them and makes it possible to change their ways, how is it gonna affect if you treat them the exact opposite ways? Do you want the opposite results is the question?

You also have religious trauma, and by keeping on watching stuff about demons and such is not gonna heal you from that either. What you'd need is a support group for people who have been religiously abused.

Thanks guys. I havent been religiously abused. I dont like to think of Abela as part of me. I dont want any parts of what she wants to do. I just feel like I am never going to escape this. Trigger Warning(talk of sexual abuse)


When the sexual stuff was happening with my cousin (she was a year younger, I was 9) I felt all kinds of things and something had to have happened to me when I was younger than that. I just felt so much guilt. I felt all this anxious energy and I didnt know how to get rid of it. My mom had already threatened me with the orphanage. She did that because I was displaying bad sexual signs. I told my dad that I want to give him a **. and I was just saying and doing all this weird stuff. I felt this cloud of doom over me. My anxiety was so bad that I would just sleep all the time. I couldnt tell my mom about the impulses or I would be kicked out of the house. i tried to supress my urges. Sometimes I did sometimes I couldnt. When i did EMDR and got on meds it seemed to bring the anxiety and impulses down but they arent gone all the way. I want to be a good person. It hurts me to think that Abela is a piece of me or part. Whatever you want to call it. My DID psychologist did hypnosis with me and told Abela and whoever else not to come out unless it was an appropriate sexual situation. It didnt help.

Rive wrote:I dont like to think of Abela as part of me. I dont want any parts of what she wants to do.

That's normal, this is why she's here in the first place : to try to make sure that everything she's carrying will not affect you. But you still share the same body, the same mind, and you can't avoid everything forever.
You don't have to claim everything she has done or want to do as your own feelings, but if you really want to get better, you will have to help her. Like I said, alters usually do inappropriate things only because someone had taught them to, and because no one taught them other ways to cope.

Rive wrote:My DID psychologist did hypnosis with me and told Abela and whoever else not to come out unless it was an appropriate sexual situation. It didnt help.

That's not a surprise, how is she supposed to know what is an appropriate situation if no one teach her ?
If you want to set rules, they need to be simple and clear, and you need to really explain why you set this rule and how it will help everyone if they followed it. Surely you will have to re-explain them a lot before the others will start to believe they are good rules, and to listen to what they have to say about those rules.
Which means rules shouldn't be made to help you only, but to help everyone inside. For this, you need to understand what they can and can't do, to not set rules that go beyond what they are able to do and handle for now.

For example, one I taught Claude was : "asking for permission before taking controle and/or attacking and/or intimidating someone" because his paranoia tendencies made him mistaken honest mistake and real threat.
I explained to him he was sometime reacting too fast, so this rule was here to let me check if it was really a threat or no. If I agree with him about the threat, he would be free to protect us ; but if I don't agree, then he would have to let another protector handle it. This way, we wouldn't be involved into argument we could avoid, and it will allow everyone to be more relaxed.

He didn't follow the rule at first, it was only after weeks of re-explanation that he started to understand why I was asking this to him. Now, he does his best to respect it. Sometimes he still reacts before asking for permission, but I know it's not because he doesn't care about the rule, it's just because he was too worried about our safety.

Rive wrote:My mom had already threatened me with the orphanage. She did that because I was displaying bad sexual signs.

No one with any kind of normal, caring, parental feelings would do that. It's so emotionally abusive that it's hard to take in. A young child starts to display behavior that can ONLY mean they were abused, or at the very least exposed to very inappropriate sexual behavior, and instead of their parent protecting them, investigating what happened, and getting help for them, the parent blames and threatens them??

When you treat Abela and Thorne that way, it just replicates the abuse. You're saying they're bad and have to be gotten rid of--the same thing your mother said to you. But it isn't their fault, just like it wasn't yours.

thanks guys,the therapist I see now is very good with trying to teach me compassion for myself. She also tells me that 95 percent of the things I have ever done were before a certain part of my brain was developed Its just hard all I have ever wanted was to be a good and normal person. I am starting to have all this social anxiety I didnt used to have.

Hi there,

I think it's possible that those two might be "walk in souls".

That means they are on the outer reaches of your system where your alters blend into the supernatural.

So those two have suffered very bad experiences on their journey through the cosmos which gets them acting like they do. They are holding onto you because they are angry, afraid, traumatised beyond reason in a way we can't understand. They don't want to be like they are and are trying their best to learn how to be good from you. Unfortunately you do not have the resources to deal with them, in the same way sometimes foster homes are unsuitable for the most sad and violent of children. But they are still human souls and I am guessing that for things to be better in this world every unhappy and tortured demon needs to find someone to love and help them. But it isn't you.

Explain this to them. Ask them to leave kindly and politely and wish them well on their journey through the cosmos to find somewhere that can handle them and can help them somewhere they can learn to be human again. Ask them to leave again and again and if they won't go, offer to make them a deal. A example is that they could have short visits from time to time with you, or that they can come and take over when you die, they are hard a nails and endured sooo much suffering, its likely to be a picnic for them. They probably want to die well. You can speak to them and show them pictures. You can tell them you will miss them and you can say that in the future, when they are improved, you would like to see them again, maybe after you have died, if you think of your alters as immortal actually if ask them they might be willing to show you just a little of the wider cosmos they have seen, and this could be their blessing to you, and the beginning of being kind for them, they would be very grateful to hear done a positive thing, I would guess.

I really don't think from your description they are the usual kind of alter, but just incase you have got it wrong and they are proper alters who have been tricked into being demons, this would not be an unkind way to treat an alter, so you don't need to worry about that, because all that would happen with an actual alter is that they would go on a pretend journey for a bit

Hi, I'm a mum in her 50s with two kids. I would never have believed in a muon years that anything supernatural was true. But in my view it definitely is. I even have alters on the edge between being alters and being demons who are ever so helpful in finding out things I don't know and forming psychic links. At least, I think so. But it's best to keep that sort of stuff to a mumimum and concentrate on real life as much possible I think, and let the alters furthest from you deal with it, furthest from "me" as it's best not to risk ones mental health by getting out of ones depth.
JB X

Um, you do know Abela is the name of a well known porn star who lots of men are addicted to watching?
It maybe a good idea not to say that you will go to prison if you are caught doing anything sexually inappropriate, because maybe she wants that, she might even be planning on it, but that you are a good person who rejects that sort of behaviour and would like to protect victims. Talk about your dislike of the sex industry and people who are sexual predators, and how you would like to help this sort of thing to stop happening. Then begin by making a donation to a woman's refuge or similar and suggest a person (D Trump, Prince Andrew?) who really does need teaching a lesson because they live in a fantasy world where their priveldge allows them to abuse others for power and leisure. Maybe she will jump to them. Suggest it's people like that that need to be embarrassed in public, not you, because you have nothing to do with anything like that and have a strong moral code. Then maybe have a little think about how Abela got into your system and how you see the future with or without her, she is your responsibility if she has been with you for a long time, to do the best for her to find what her purpose is in life. Please make sure you yourself have a llllywhite life and don't have any sort of sexism lurking in the background that could be making her angry, it would not have to be very much. I do hope that you can stay safe from any bad or illegal behaviour because there is a reason Abela is there, you just have to find it. Ask to see just very faint pictures of the abuse that happened to her as it might be horribly upsetting for both of you, and it might not have been in your personal time line. This has been haunting me somewhat and I get the feeling that your situation is very urgent and I really hope by passing on the info that I have that a bad and very, very, very urgent situation can be averted, as you are obviously a very popular and nice person on here and have lots of friends. And for Abela too, who I suspect is quite a young child who is angry and wants justice. But then what would I know, I'm just doing my best to be a good person like everyone else. And this is it, beyond that there is nothing I can do, I do hope it all turns out for the best, JB X

I didn't know Abela was the name of a porn star. I named her Abela because it means breath in a different language. I feel despite everything we have been through that Abela holds onto in the end she's still breathing. I gave her a name that shows she's strong.