Eating problem

The problem: from about 5 at night until I go to bed I have trouble eating. It looks like being stuck in my room, unable to go to the kitchen to cook or warm up food (or otherwise get food). One time I managed to sneak downstairs because I pretended that I was going to do something else.

Feelings: I feel quite frustrated and angry, ashamed and sad that I can't seem to make this work.
It feels like being in freeze, like some other part tenses up the body and I can't make it move again. Like something/someone is blocking me.

Background info: I've had issues like this in the past, with similar blocking or involuntary throwing up. Usually it is a part exerting control to intimidate me and let me know in this way that I am not alone in the body and can't keep ignoring her/them.

Solution: the obvious solution would be to listen inside and take care of the others. However, I also seem unable to do that!!!! I can't get myself to sit down and listen. I can't get myself to do anything nice for the others (or for me). That may be the more pressing problem. When I think about talking to the others, I get hit with waves of denial and it's like my breathing just stops for a moment until I forget about the idea.

Just to be sure it's clear, I don't want to lose weight or anything. I care about having a functional, healthy body with muscles. If I don't eat, it only means I will lose muscle and health. It seems like an easy way to get my attention.

The problem has been going on for about a month, if not longer. So far, I've tried buying meals to warm up - that doesnt work. I've ordered food a couple of times, that does work (but I cant afford it long-term). I've tried making special meals (very tasty and more expensive), that does work, but only as long as they last - it is not possible to go on and cook the next meal after it's gone.

I'm feeling pretty discouraged. Has anyone experienced something similar?

Hey fireheart,

That sounds frustrating.

Can you eat ok before 5pm? Maybe a workaround for now is, just eat dinner earlier? We kinda just eat 2x a day, midmorning and mid-afternoon. Just get the same amount of calories as you get from 3 meals, but have them in 2 meals.

Viola

if the eating problem was a message, what would it tell you?

Is 5 when it gets dark? Does the change from day to night have something to do with it? Was there something upsetting from the past about meals or eating at night?

More questions: Was there something that happened a month ago? Or is this always a difficult time of the year?

So far you know that it has something to do with the timing and how expensive/tasty the food is and also with the idea of going into the kitchen in the evening.

Do you journal at all? We would sit down with the journal and the colored pens and say, "Hey, guys, we need to figure out a way to eat dinner every night--who has some ideas?" and then write whatever came into our head.

Another idea for a temporary solution--can you buy a small, inexpensive microwave and little refrigerator for your bedroom? Then you wouldn't have to leave the room to eat when you get stuck there.

It does sound very frustrating. I know that I go through cycles of avoiding listening to the others and just trying to do whatever I think I should be doing, and then it builds up to a point where I can't avoid it anymore and I make a list of what everybody else wants to do, and then things are much better for awhile, and at first I think why don't I always just listen to them? And then because they calm down, I guess I start to think, well, I don't need to pay attention to all of those pesky wants and needs, and then they start to build up again.

Sometimes I hold my breath. Eating stuff too. But the breath thing is what stood out. I think the breath holding us to block parts? for me. Mandy

Thank you for your thoughtful replies.

I've tried to reply earlier, but was also somehow barred from that. The last few days I've mainly given up on eating "dinner" meals, and just had cereal.

I noticed something that I think is important: the dinner meals we've been able to eat lately all included meat. Normally we rarely ever have meat, maybe once a month. But now it seems like it is more important.

Today I managed to get groceries and cook a meal!!!!!!! It included meat. While cooking, I noticed that usually it is M who cooks. I'd totally forgotten about that fact. While cooking and having the meal, I realized that I suddenly wasn't up to date with our current life (although I have forgotten what I realized by now).

Most of the time I'm a dissociated mess at the moment. I'd say that normally I have 70% control over myself, and now it is 20%. From someone whose biggest fear is losing control, it is a lot to handle. I keep losing my train of thought, and do not seem to be able to remember things from one moment to the next. I just LOSE information, so much of it. Without noticing.

I think the difference may be that we are not working together as much as we normally are. And there is something going on, maybe a trigger I haven't explicitly identified yet. But I think I know who the eating issues are coming from... which is a start, at least.