Forms **triggering?**

I was signed off sick. I got another job now but the government sent these "capability to work" forms and they said I should still fill them in even though I got another job.

It was very upsetting. I filled them in honestly. The questions were about how you do every day things and why you have difficulty with them.

I found it really upsetting. I don't think about stuff usually, the problems I have and what I have to live with to try to live a normal life but answering those questions I had to. Well I didn't have to, I could of lied and said everything is ok but I decided to answer honestly for myself not really for the government because I don't think they'll care once they see I have a job even though they asked me to fill them in still.

It highlighted everything. From can you chew and swallow (which something I spit food out because I can't stand it being in my mouth) to walking (which I have feet pain every morning and can't walk at first, it wares off but it's not nice) and then it wanted to know why there's those problems which was worse to think about.

So now I feel low and I'm crying. Sorta wallowing.

It made me think about my parents and how they would always ask "why is your life such a mess" and say "you'll sort it out one day" I won't, I realised as I filled in those forms. It's a mess because of how I was emotionally, psychologically and physically abused as a child and none of those things that are the effect of that are ever going to get better. I'm not going to wake up one morning without my feet being cramped up and in pain. I think I sleep really tensed up or its because I slept in a damp room for years or both. Integration sounds like it'd make everything worse. It's literally the worse disorder ever. No meds that treat it specifically and meds have bad effects on me, therapy can potentially make you one person but with a different disorder and I'd imagine in constant pain or PTSD symptoms. The people that cause this disorder walk away Scot free more often than not because accessing trauma memory is painful and then there's no proof when you do so you're not believed or have "false memory syndrome" it's BS. I was sad, thought if I could just walk away from this, realised I can't, now I'm angry. Angry feels better than sad to be fair. And now I'm dissociating. Fantastic.

Anyone else find forms like this triggering?

I get triggered by forms, too. For a lot of reasons. I often give one answer and then realize later that it isn't true for me, it is true for one of the others and I get stressed out that people will think I am lying if I try to correct it. Or I can't remember stuff or I think I will get in trouble if I answer wrong. I can't see every possible consequence of what I am writing down so it seems too dangerous to write anything. Like being asked if I drink on a medical form. Well, I go long periods where I don't drink at all but then sometimes have had periods in the past where I drank every day. And the question is quantifying how many drinks per week you have. I have no idea how to figure that out or which answer is less likely to come back and bite me in the behind.

And being asked what symptoms I have is terrible because I have to realize I have all these problems and have to figure out if I should write them down on the form or hide them - try to get help or try to avoid being judged and punished. It's very stressful and upsetting.

Oh, I can relate. I have had horrible, terrible, debilitating problems with forms and the like. I know generally why but that doesn't mean we've conquered it. The father was a lawyer and there was a ton of scary abuse in his law office. We strongly suspect there is also programming by him that gets triggered.

Paperwork and forms, especially anything official or legal, can trigger blocks that cause us major losses. Over our decades of working life, we've easily lost over $100K due to unsubmitted tax refunds, mortgage issues, unclaimed deductions, forgotten reimbursements, etc. It's not that we don't pay things we owe, though we've done that, it's the insurmountable blocks that prevent us from always making wise or even rational financial choices.

We're not terrible with money per se, we're frugal and know what the right thing to do is, we're just blocked from doing it. Like if we focus on it, we get distracted before we can even come close to action. We have an alter who is great with paperwork if we can manage, at least temporarily, to keep away from the triggers. We've gotten better. At least half of our therapy work is directed at the issue, it's just still a mystery how it's distributed in our system. Basically, we can't find the core of it yet.

I didn't and don't want to post this, especially the detail. It's a really serious issue for us. It was actually good to hear others have problems in this area, though I'm sorry you do. It's embarrassing. It's maddening.

Hey Johnny-Jack,

The way you described that stuff really resonated for us. We don't have a problem with forms, But stuff relating to money can shut us down like that. Like sending invoices to customers can be hard, almost impossible to chase customers who're late paying their bills.

Even stuff like paying bills is hard, even if we have the money to pay, and we don't really know why yet. Like we dunno why this stuff is triggering and stuff.

Sarandipity you mentioned having foot pain in the mornings that makes it hard to walk. Have you had that checked out? Like talked to a doctor about it?

It could be plantar fasciitis - we have / had that too. Its like when you first get up in the morning walking or standing is painful, but after a while it gets better by itself and you're ok?

But if you ignore it then eventually it takes longer and longer to 'get better' and eventually its like noon before you can walk ok. There's like excercises and stuff that can help, and you can get inserts for shoes that help.

Viola

I have trouble dealing with administration stuff. Van H. has started taking care of administration papers for the system, as well as Ulysses. Because me, I cannot deal with it.

I'm lucky I havent lost too much money on it. (I still have lost a lot of money help I could claim, because I was too anxious to even look up what forms I needed to fill in...) But I do take forever to open letters or emails, to answer them, and I get anxiety from filling in forms. I'm doing better lately, though.

I know where it stems from, though. Even well into adulthood, my abusive mother would take all forms from me to fill them in in my stead, repeating many times that I was unable to do it. When I started living without my parents, she kept asking me to send her my forms and other stuff for her to fill in for me. Untill I yelled at her on the phone (it was the last time we spoke, that day) to leave me the fudge alone and that I was old enough to do my taxes myself. She hang up the phone. Then my dad called me to tell me that I was being horrible with her, yadda yadda, you get the picture.

Even if I claimed my "form freedom" that day, I still need help with them. Or let others from the system deal with them. I still feel like I'm a useless piece of trash whenever there is mail to open or to write. Acting against the feelings is very painful.

--Zami--

I wrote it all. Then I realized I was supposed to write in block capitals which I hadn't and it is barely legible *sigh. So now I have to download it and type it which I have asked for help with.

With paying bills I bizarrely love to pay my bills. It makes me feel really good which I didn't understand for years. My sister doesn't pay her bills. We chatted about it once and she said she remembers hiding from the utility people because our parents didn't pay bills. They are both useless with money but have partners who are good at it now. I don't remember hiding at all, my sister has no reason to lie. So I think I blocked that out but it's made me enjoy paying stuff, she remembers it and lived like it - which seems round the wrong way but it's how it is.

Claiming things or filling in tax return I always fill in so I make sure I'm not getting anything I shouldn't - that's a fear to the extreme and I didn't like invoices either or asking customers for money they hadn't paid when I was self employed, it was cringey, but working for someone else it doesn't bother me.

I haven't had the foot pain checked out physically because I put it down to being psychological but I will now you're saying it could be a physical issue, I don't want it to get worse so I better see a doctor. I tend to put most stuff down to psychological issues because they're intermittent. But that is with all pain, I injured my hand and sometimes it's feel ok and other times I would be in pain - it must of been different alters, the one who got injured felt it and others didn't I'm guessing. Which in one way was better but in another way the intermittent pain seemed to last longer than it should of if I'd felt the injury constantly.

My other problem I have is I'm frightened of post boxes. Which alot of people laugh at. I can take a letter into a post office and give it to a person but I do not like to put it in the post box. I have a theory why but I'm not 100% certain of why. My sister with that is the reverse too, she loves posting stuff and it makes her feel good. If I still talked to her, I can't because she's too influenced by our mother, it'd be good to compare other things where we've had reverse reactions to the same things. I do think she probably has DID because they have diagnosed her with autism with severe anxiety which they say she creates personna to cope with autism and anxiety but I don't talk to her so I can't explain anything to her. I wish I could, I wish I could see her and chat but it's too difficult because of my mother. One day I hope I can.

Thanks to you all for responding. I feel less alone in these issues now and I'm glad I mentioned my foot thing because I wouldn't of even thought of going to a doctor about it. I have intermittent hip problems too which I put down to my hip being dislocated a couple of times as a child and never seeing a Dr about it so maybe I ought to get that checked to. At check ups I say "I'm fine" and I'm going to intend to stop doing that - I don't know what I'll actually do but I intend to. I should write myself notes "tell the Dr all pains and any issues" maybe that'd work.

Thanks again.