Dissociative symptoms?

Hi guys,
so I am under alot of stress lately, from in laws dialing up workplace to feign concern. This happened when my husband and I have decided to cut ties with dysfunctional relatives.
Myself, I always have depression and anxiety, but the chronic stress in the last few years coupled with what's going on lately, is causing a whole list of strange feelings.
1. My memory has gone to pieces. I can't remember what I did yesterday, or today's events. I can't remember much of significant events in the last 3 years of chronic stress, like my wedding day, or the road trips we have taken. I know I lived those memories, but I don't feel like I lived them, it is vague. I feel like there is a wall blocking my memories. Now, I resort to using dates and factual information to remember events. I think I have dementia.

2. I have lost my innate ability to tell time. I feel like my life is on fast forward in a movie, like time is speeding up and days goes by in a blur. Other times I feel stuck in a moment, especially the time when we first knew they called up work even though we have not revealed details of our work. That shock, it's like I was frozen in that moment. I could sit on the sofa and the next moment when I become aware of my surroundings, I was sitting in the dark. 3 hours past and it felt like 1 hour.

3. I used to be so high strung and anxious, and depressed to the point I can't function and would lie in bed all day. Now I feel disconnected, and also feel mild and calm, even when my husband left me alone while he goes on month long work trips. I forget how depression feels like, and feel that I was ridiculous before at not being able to get out of bed. Then after a period of time, I would slip back into a new low, super depressed again but then this feelings of unpluggedness would return. I feel like I am in a bubble, protected from these negative feelings. Other times, I feel like I am in a dream.

4. This next one is weird and has never happen before. I can't tell dreams from reality sometimes. I would recall events from a dream and feel like it happened in real life. what the ###$. On the other hand, real life events feel like it was in a dream.

5. I forget names of places and things. One example, when my husband said let's eat some tempura, I know this word is familiar I know it all my life but I can't remember what a tempura is. It took me 20 minutes of struggling to remember what it is, and I was thinking was it a sort of dumpling but yet it doesn't feel right. This really freak me out as tempura is one of my favourite foods.

6. There is a simultaneous disconnect between words I am saying out loud and words I am thinking of saying in my head. I am thinking I am cold but it came out as I am hot.

7. I don't recognize myself in the mirror sometimes. This is scary. Or find my reflection somewhat alienating.

8. Slurring my words. Slowed thinking.

I am a singleton, with a husband who is a multiple. These experiences from my research sounds like depersonalisation from extreme stress, having severe depression probably doesn't helped. But what is scaring me the most is my lack of memories now, even happy memories of our road trips I can't recall. And my significant lapse in cognitive thinking, number 5,6,8
I am worried this is symptoms of pre mature dementia. But has anyone here experienced 5,6,8 before? could they be a sign of stress, dissociative symptoms?

Also want to add, I am sorry that I post here to ask when I do not have did myself, although my spouse does. I researched and found some of my symptoms are dissociative that's why. The memory loss has been persistent for the past few years. These last few years have also been the most stressful in my life. I once told my gp about my memory loss of day to day events and the look she gave me tells me she thinks I am trolling her:( so I have been afraid to ask another doctor. But if you guys think this is abnormal I will try to get a MRI

Hey AmmeSO,

Like you said, sounds like it could be depersonalization cos of all the stress? But its always good to get like, actual medical help when something serious & new is going on.

I dunno if that means MRI, but wouldn't hurt I think to just talk to a doctor and get their opinion.

Or if you're seeing a T for the depression or anxiety, maybe talk to them about this new stuff and see what they think?

Viola

To me it sounds it can be what you think it is. Long term stress can cause a lot of symptoms and when they're too much, dissociation is a defense mechanism. I wouldn't be too worried about forgetting names and stuff, if they come back to you later on. That happens to people when they're stressed. I just read a funny article from a magazine, it was people telling what embarrassing mistakes they've done in job interviews. Some people didn't even remember their names, because they were so stressed out. It causes those black outs to your mind. That happens easily also if you have insomnia.

If you forget something you should know, for a long period of time, then it's a thing to worry. If you live week without knowing your name or something else as obvious you should remember normally, then there's a reason to worry. I have lived in same apartment for about 7 years now and had a same phone number also about 7 years. Still every time I need to make official phone call I write my name, address and phone number down, so I can read it when they ask. Otherwise I'll black out. It's because using phone became hard for me long time ago for reasons that don't matter in here now, and although it's not a problem like that anymore after removing the cause of anxiety, and I feel myself I'm not anxious anymore when I need to call, I still am. Or someone is. And I'm likely to black out and feel stupid if I'm not prepared. I don't think it's dissociation to me, it's just a blackout, you forget something obvious and don't know how to search it from your mind. Happens at work to customers too, it's not super uncommon someone totally doesn't remember part of their address or something else when asked. Then we ask it again after they've seen the vet, and they know it again. (I work as a vet nurse, sometimes owner are worried when they come to appointments.)

Talking nonsense and mixing words or not being able to get them out properly is same kind of symptom than forgetting words. At least for me, if I'm in a state when I'm likely to forget something I know I do know, I'm also more likely to say something differently than was planning to. Sometimes I hear it myself too, and sometimes I don't but someone laughs and tells what I just said and I'm all like.. Did I? I link this with anxiousness and insomnia, overall stress.

Mirror thing is linked with depersonalization/derealization, and because you tell it's hard to tell what's dream and what's real it sounds DR to me.

I'm not a doctor and can't tell you if you have dementia type of symptoms or not. In my opinion (not professional) stress and DP/DR is enough to cover all symptoms you have, so I wouldn't worry about it (about dementia) too much. It's a different thing if memory of weddings feels faded, than if you wouldn't sometimes know you are married. It's also different thing if you don't remember your address, or if you don't know where you live. Those are symptoms with totally different severity. To me it sounds you still know all you should know, although your mind is too stressed to offer you right info when you want it.

Or have you forgotten something actually big, all information about something big existing, not just the name or feeling of it?

It's not good thing to be in the state you are tho, so you do need help. You can talk about your worries about dementia with a doctor and let them evaluate if it sounds more psychological or neurological. It is not healthy to be that stressed at all, so even tho I said I wouldn't worry, I made sure to correct it to wouldn't worry about dementia. I would worry about extreme stress. It's not just nothing, neither is dissociation.

Hi Viola,

Yes I am trying to work up my courage to see another gp, I am not currently seeing a T. These new symptoms are really scary for me and I have been talking myself out of looking for medical help, as my depression was dismissed once.

Also, yesterday I was chatting with my aunt and she brought up an event that I don't remember. We were talking about my father, who is probably the cause of my depression and anxiety.
She said you remember when you were like 7 your dad was chased out of the house, you went on your knees and begged mum to help him with the debts? You were hysterical.
I am absolutely stunned by what she said. I have no recall of this event. Hearing what she said,...the whole day I had burst into tears twice and feeling suicidal. Also feelings of shame. I don't understand why I have such strong reactions to this.

Floralie wrote:To me it sounds it can be what you think it is. Long term stress can cause a lot of symptoms and when they're too much, dissociation is a defense mechanism. I wouldn't be too worried about forgetting names and stuff, if they come back to you later on. That happens to people when they're stressed. I just read a funny article from a magazine, it was people telling what embarrassing mistakes they've done in job interviews. Some people didn't even remember their names, because they were so stressed out. It causes those black outs to your mind. That happens easily also if you have insomnia.

If you forget something you should know, for a long period of time, then it's a thing to worry. If you live week without knowing your name or something else as obvious you should remember normally, then there's a reason to worry. I have lived in same apartment for about 7 years now and had a same phone number also about 7 years. Still every time I need to make official phone call I write my name, address and phone number down, so I can read it when they ask. Otherwise I'll black out. It's because using phone became hard for me long time ago for reasons that don't matter in here now, and although it's not a problem like that anymore after removing the cause of anxiety, and I feel myself I'm not anxious anymore when I need to call, I still am. Or someone is. And I'm likely to black out and feel stupid if I'm not prepared. I don't think it's dissociation to me, it's just a blackout, you forget something obvious and don't know how to search it from your mind. Happens at work to customers too, it's not super uncommon someone totally doesn't remember part of their address or something else when asked. Then we ask it again after they've seen the vet, and they know it again. (I work as a vet nurse, sometimes owner are worried when they come to appointments.)

Talking nonsense and mixing words or not being able to get them out properly is same kind of symptom than forgetting words. At least for me, if I'm in a state when I'm likely to forget something I know I do know, I'm also more likely to say something differently than was planning to. Sometimes I hear it myself too, and sometimes I don't but someone laughs and tells what I just said and I'm all like.. Did I? I link this with anxiousness and insomnia, overall stress.

Mirror thing is linked with depersonalization/derealization, and because you tell it's hard to tell what's dream and what's real it sounds DR to me.

I'm not a doctor and can't tell you if you have dementia type of symptoms or not. In my opinion (not professional) stress and DP/DR is enough to cover all symptoms you have, so I wouldn't worry about it (about dementia) too much. It's a different thing if memory of weddings feels faded, than if you wouldn't sometimes know you are married. It's also different thing if you don't remember your address, or if you don't know where you live. Those are symptoms with totally different severity. To me it sounds you still know all you should know, although your mind is too stressed to offer you right info when you want it.

Or have you forgotten something actually big, all information about something big existing, not just the name or feeling of it?

It's not good thing to be in the state you are tho, so you do need help. You can talk about your worries about dementia with a doctor and let them evaluate if it sounds more psychological or neurological. It is not healthy to be that stressed at all, so even tho I said I wouldn't worry, I made sure to correct it to wouldn't worry about dementia. I would worry about extreme stress. It's not just nothing, neither is dissociation.

Hi Floralie,

Thank you so so much for your reply, your comparison of my experience with something more serious helped me so much! Thank you for taking the time to read and writing such a detailed reply, my mind is feeling much more at ease. You are right, I tend to dismiss my stress, but it is now impacting heavily on my functioning. I actually feel the disconnected feeling a relief sometimes, it probably saved me when I was suicidal. Like you say, it is a defense mechanism. I just didn't think I would dissociate as a person without did, I even feel guilty as I feel like I must be doing it to 'overshadow' my spouse who has did. I felt having this trivalise my spouse's condition, or I am doing it for attention. But I know nobody wants to go through this. It is scary for me. So is the severe stress that is causing this range of symptoms.

It could be the stress like you say.

I also wouldn't rule out DID. It's all about staying hidden. It also seems like there may be a natural attraction of systems to each other and there are some possible indications from your post.

I would recommend talking to a GP and a T. Rule out medical first!

In retrospect, I also wonder about myself as well. There are many things and events I can think of in my history that would fit DID... Not digging though... One of us needs to be stable! Sticking by my Asperger's Dx.

Hi Hank,
lovely to hear from you! At this point, I am unable to think rationally about my own experiences or what they mean. It has been unsettling to not remember this huge childhood event ' about being hysterically begging mum to let dad stay'. I chalk it up to being too young to remember. I only remember happy memories from that period, like the 3D dinosaur book my dad bought me, or the time he was actually patient with me. Again all these happy memories came when the floodgates open yesterday after the chat with my aunt. But not the hysterical moment. No I don't recall that totally. But I feel irrational, sudden crying, shame knowing I did that. Not able to pinpoint why I feel all this. I guess they are repressed emotions.

I always know the person I am now is widely different to me in my teenage years. My husband and I met when we were 14. He was attracted to my outgoing nature. I was outgoing, confident and love to be in the limelight. I was loud and like to diss my teacher and enjoyed arguing with my teacher to the point I was sent out of class. I didn't care that people hate me, I like the attention. In restrospect now, that person I was don't feel like it's me. I am painfully shy, and can't pick up a conversation with people without rehearsing in my head many times what to say.

Where did my confidence go? I always thought I developed social anxiety later in life due to bullying and became withdrawn.
I feel for the following reasons I couldn't have DID:

1. If I have DID, when I was severely traumatised, wouldn't I have a protector alter that would come out to protect me from abuse?

2. If I have DID, instead of being heavily dissociated when I feel suicidal , wouldn't I just switch? That period of time was unbearably painful. It was also the first time I experienced dissociative symptoms above.

3. I have always been accepting and compassionate when it comes to my spouse did so if I have alters they should have made themselves known to me.

4. I have never been able to take a backseat. It is exhausting. I don't have a inner world to escape to. That's why I am depressed and anxious.

5. I never heard voices in my head.

Thanks so much for your reply Hank, my comments were not to dismiss what you said, actually it got me panicked slightly like I went from 100% sure I don't have did to 95% sure...

I went to bed for a nap after my last post talking about the possibility of me having did. I had this weird dream. I felt myself falling backwards, it was a disorienting fall backwards, like as if I fell into my head. then I tentatively opened my eyes. I was aware of myself. I was in a dark, chaotic place. I had a thought, so this is my inner world? huh. I felt frightened. I was alone. I closed my eyes again and told myself to get out of here mentally. On the third attempt, I succeeded. I opened my eyes slowly and this time I am in a locked room, nice but untidy bedroom that I don't recognize. At least it isn't scary. I decided to walk around the room. I don't feel there is anyone in or outside of this room. In this dream, I therefore reassure myself, see you are fine. There is no one in your inner world, this means you don't have did.
I wasn't passive in this dream, I was aware of myself and that I was exploring in my head searching for evidence to prove myself right.This is one weird dream and I am not sure what it means. I never do have ' a inner world' but did I just access something similar to a inner world? I am stumped.

Today I have been feeling so guilty after that dream and feeling that I am insulting and minimizing people who actually have this condition. I won't deny I have mild dissociation from anxiety and depression though, as I read dissociation is on a spectrum and can be experienced by people with PTSD, anxiety, depression.

My certainty that I don't have did comes from never hearing voices or having the feeling of another conciousness in my head. I have always feel alone in my head. Even when I was severely depressed and lonely.