Inner identity by Lucas

ThorneInMySide wrote:
Hi LEON!
LEON are you a lion? cos leon sounds like a lion name. Hide hide hide and seek toys!! My T lady doesn't have any toys cos shes not a working with kids T an all her office is so grown up boo. I said hi to her but then i got scared because no one's ever seen us before and things are scary when you not hiding so i hid under the scarf we were wearing. I really wanted my blanky. an then i even started crying a little because i wanted to be cool saying hi and not a little crybaby but she said i was really brave and gave me some tissues. and then she wanted to talk about appointments but thats big stuff and Linden didn't know whether to switch back cos we never switched to me before in front on people on purpose. So that was real confusing but she said she belives us!

but then i got home and we got christmas train lego and i never got lego until we met the partner and its so so much fun to play with it!! i made choo choo noises. and it got a track and it goes round and round and we gonna put it around the christmas tree do you got a favourite toy?
-Danny

Hi Danny!

I'm a little bit lion but no big lion, a lion cub. And I have a stuffed lion. He likes run really fast and I like hug him.

Your train sounds cool. Have you seen chuggington? It's about trains. I watck it sometimes, it's on computer. Sometimes its inside TV too. It's TV show. What color your train is? Does it go REALLY FAST ? I like trains.

I wanted to cry in T ladys office once time but tears no come out from eyes. But I wanted to because I was sad.

I have a fire truck! It's red and black ladders. It's my favorite. I have other toys too I have a helicopter and two dinosaurs, one is blue and one orange. They have played with T lady too and sometimes they all want to watch shows with me from TV or computer. And I have a boy I got from T lady but now he is hiding with little black thing in T ladys office. Little black thing don't like hiding alone because it gets scared.

I think all wiggle worms hide a little bit in T lady places, because that's how you get to be a wiggle worm by hidin inside blanket. Lucas think so too he say HEY!

I go now inside to play because I don't wanna go in shower! Lucas will make us shower! I don't like be wet now! He maybe tomorrow can write. Bye bye Danny see you soon!

LEON

HEEEEYYYYY DANNY !!! Danny the bestest worm. Fist bump and UP in the air!

I read how brave you were, and said hi to a T. That's great! Next time, you'll do it like a pro, I'm sure. Your new train and own blanket fortress tree house sound cool. Are you already building it ? How is it like ? Is it like somewhere really high or can I see it?

I don't have a normal doorbell, I have a buzzer downstairs outside. When I hear buzzzzz, I can look at who is it, because there's camera on the door and a thing you can talk to if I press a button. And if I push another button, the lock will open up and you get in. My apartment is on the second floor, but it's the only apartment in the house. The building used to be a factory a long time ago, so it's bit weird, not like regular houses. Upstairs there's doorbell, but no one ever uses it, because I'll open the door if I let someone in from the downstairs door.

Do you have a doorbell for your blanket fortress tree house, or how do you know if someone wanna come to visit?

HEYY LINDEN!

Our inner world is pretty much like real world. We live in North Europe, in the capital city of our country. I live with Sami now, he used to live in youth home, but moved to live with me recently.

I am in trauma therapy and my T is one of us alters. He only has 2 therapy patients, Jules and me. He also works in the youth home, he's like the boss in there, like a leading psychologist or something. Sami used to live there, Jules still does.

I know Jules from dancing originally. There isn't that many teens who compete in dance at international level in a country this small, Jules does - or did - and I did too and that's how we know each other originally. Now I'm a pro dancer, and don't compete that much, and Jules has not been feeling well enough.

And then there's Ferro, living in the youth home, I know him because Sami used to live there. Ferro is like my little brother, I call him that. I'm somewhat famous due to dancing and singing and have fan girls, and Ferro is certain I know all secret girl codes and how to hit on them. And I've dated with girls, he thinks I'm like a pro what comes to getting girls, so he's always asking questions about girls from me and tries to find out why they like me. He looks at my old videos and stuff to learn. It's cool, I tell all I know, but he's actually way more good looking than me and he does have girls liking him, he just doesn't get it.

..And then there's Anastasia, she works in the youth home, but I know her elsewhere. She used to date with a musician before, they were together like really long time, but aren't anymore. Anastasia is social like I am too, and now she knows pretty much all people in music industry. I've worked as a background dancer to some musicians and have danced in some music videos etc, and I know Anastasia from some festival VIP areas etc.. We don't really know that well, not like besties, but we know each other's names and faces and something like that.

We don't have our own places inside, we live in a same world just like people live in real world. Our lives are just mixed up with each other weird ways. The youth home is the key place, everyone else has connection to it but me, I've never lived or worked in there like all the others are or have.

HEYY GREY!

You don't have to get No-one out for me, I'm fine, it's fine if she wants to stay in. If she want to continue PMs, I'm happy about that. I don't care if she comes from different kind of inner world. Like .. I can't promise I'll understand how it works, because ours is different, but otherwise I don't mind. You know, I know it's different, and it's probably some DID thing.

LUCAS

@Sarandipty
That thing about the pdf is really spooky. 2 sounds the most plausible, but when you don't have anything but mysteries and questions it can be easy to wonder.

I have not spoken to Numb much personally as he's very reserved and private about himself and his past but he left an interesting report last week in our journal written up like some sort of official military report. It documents the way he's supervising out current life in an extremely detached way and he refers to some of our headmates as his current unit and has given them codenames since he seems to be a lot more paranoid about writing anything than the others, having made up a code language to write in for his other entries. The younger members he refers to as his charges and he seems to feel like he is a bodyguard for them.

Sometimes I get flashes from him of spinning a knife into place in our hand ready to stab people or noting how to best take them off guard to take them down. It's a little frightening because he seems to know how to act like the rest of us and wears our faces around people, acting like he's undercover and then immediately going completely blank when no one is around.
-R

Lucas,
That's quite interesting that the youth home connects everyone but you. Ferro sounds sweet looking up to you like that, it's nice to hear that the others inside seem to be decent company. For us our inner lives are very much separate and we get most of our communication through what I tell the others since I'm usually co-con in the background, but my perspective is unfortunately necessarily biased and I do interpret things wrong at times.

Ah, I should probably mention, Danny has been a little tired lately with everything going on and hasn't had the energy to be out. He hopes things are going well with you and wonders if you are getting anything nice for the holiday season.
-Linden

Floralie wrote:Hey you all!

Do all alters have lives inside and inner identity? Not all hosts do, but I mean other than them. I'm not good at explaining stuff, but if you don't understand I try explain it better. I mean like in this forum, there's lots of threads about outside lives and system things. Like alters too only write from their outside identity and like they're just parts of their systems. I feel I'm like alien in here sometimes because of that. I'd wanna have friends and get to know you guys, like who I really am inside wants to get to know you like you're really inside in your own life.

Is that like not a good thing to do for some reason? Don't you miss a thing like that?

I mean for example if you're doctor inside, but your host is not, you can't tell any outside people you are. That'd be lying, but you're still a doctor in inner identity and it counts too. That's why place like this is the only place where you could get to be who you are, like the real you. I'd wanna have someone outside who'd ask how am I doing, what's up? and mean me in my life with that, not what's up with the system and what have I done outside. That's Flor's life, I just help, it's not only thing I am. I'm a person too.

Don't you guys wish you'd be yourselves all the way somewhere to someone?

LUCAS

So from what I've read and heard from others- NO, not EVERYONE has inner worlds. Some do, some don't. Some have "quiet places" or "nowhere" places instead of an inner world and life.

Like any other facet of DID, this one is ENTIRELY unique per system.

Thanks for responding ThorneInMySide. The twins have code language. They write in it sometimes. Must be to do with "being an assassin" They don't come into the body and like I said I've only spoken to Fortune once but when we play laser tag or shooting games I'm a good shot.

We used to throw a knife at a tree so I'm guessing that was Fortune too. One time an ex who liked to train alot in Martial Arts wanted to play a training game with a plastic knife. He put the plastic knife in-between us and said the winner was the one who touched the other with the knife first. When he said go I slid the knife backwards with my foot and threw it at him and it hit him point to his heart. He said I cheated but I think I won. Maybe Fortune comes into the body at those moments but I don't notice her. I wouldn't have noticed her the day she was chatting to me if she hadn't spoken. I don't think she pretends to be any of us though, at most perhaps she's just there silently.

My name is Christopher. I am in my 30's, I am of slight build, wear glasses, I have blond hair and a big fan of boxing.

I was born in Ireland but my family emigratted to America after the 2nd world war. I am a priest and received my call to the priesthood in 1950, I joined the military chaplaincy when war broke out in Vietnam and have served all my time as padre to a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital.

I am Catholic by faith but my job covers men (and women) of all faiths. Accordingly I have learnt the basic healing blessings and prayers of many faiths. Which I recite for the benefit of the patient. (Just to make sure Him Upstairs hears I also pray to God for their healing - this I do mentally so as not to upset the patient.)

I have a number of brothers and sisters who I have lost contact with over the years. However my sister Sister and I write to each other regularly. We took Holy Orders on the same Easter, she a nun I a priest. She began her noviciate the same year as I entered the semanary. We often joke about how I am her Father brother and she my sister Sister and that if I come back home she will then be my Daughter sister Sister. Which if you were given to earwigging and didn't know our professions would sound rather incestuous I imagine.

Just recently a small boy was wounded trying to climb the barbed wire fence at the DMZ, he had been raked by machiene gun fire after getting caught in the barbed wire at the top of the fence. As is my want I sat with him after surgery and prayed for him. We did not know who he was or what faith he held so I took the liberty of praying to my God.

What struck me most about the boy was his hair. It was blond and curly. The child was clearly caucasion. Not something you would expect to see out here. When he finally awoke he told me he was searching for his family. I did not want him travelling alone and got permission to escort the boy to a refugee camp.

All this is rather straight forward.

What happened next is not.

I was taken rather abruptly to a place known as "last day rock" and the manner of our travel can only be described as a great wind. I had barely placed my hand in the boys when with a great rush we were standing before an enormous wind sculpted rock. By my calculation it should be 1967 but the child tells me it is 1997. There are a few people living a last day rock. A woman about my age who seems to disapear at whim. A teanager, who dresses in the most unusual fashion, who spends most of her time sitting at the very top of the rock keeping watch (how she gets up there I do not know) a small girl who is half starved and mute and an infant. The children and I share a shelter made from the wreckage of a hurricane that swept through the camp not long after I had arrived here.

There is also a goat which all the others fear. He is a mean old beast and will charge at the slightest provication. He is kept in a labyrinth and when he escapes he causes havoc. Why he is kept I am not so sure. Perhaps he was meant to be a pet or perhaps there had been a nanny at some point. No one seems to talk about the Goat. When I ask they all avoid answering.

I am not sure how I will get back to the MASH but I feel I am needed here. If nothing else the children need someone to care for them.

The teanager who's name I have forgotten said that it is neither 1967 or 1997 but 2020 which would make me almost 90 ! She has said a lot of things about an outer world and an inner world that I find very hard to understand. She suggested that I write this letter for her to take to the outside. As I am looking at it I feel as if this is all nonsense and I should screw up the paper and burn it on the camp fire. And yet the strangeness of my journey here reminds me that there is so much in God's world that I don't understand. So I shall write this and trust in God.

To whoever reads this may God bless you
Christoper