I'm so confused *trigger warning*

So I am still having trouble with knowing what comes from me (internal conflict about something but it's still me. Like wanting a candy bar because I like them but not wanting one because I'm fat) Or what is actual conflict between alters. My T and I are talking about the real me in therapy and how she thinks my negative alters made me do things I normally wouldn't do. I have heard you don't do anything against your core. So you must have a core. I have heard of people with DID stabbing themselves. Certainly they wouldn't do that but someone inside did. So certainly you can go against your core personality. If you commit a crime with DID you are still punished so the law see's you as one whole personality. Am I to blame for the bad things I have done that my mind and body fought against? Shutting the kittens foot in the door? I wanted to do it and I didn't. How is that just me fighting my demons? Or the literal fights I get in with my body not to act on things. How is that not me fighting my demons?

There's no such thing as a core personality. You're just another alter, same as the rest of them. Your job is to be the one out front who deals with regular life stuff. Part of that job is not knowing what's going on inside.

And, your T is giving you bad information.

Those two things together are why you are confused.

V1

All the alters are you.

At the same time they are not you personally as an alter because you yourself are an alter but all your alters overall make up you as a person.

If you put all your alters together including you, because you're an alter, then they would be "you" ie you're overall character.

So when you're fighting with your alters you're technically fighting with yourself even though it doesn't feel like that.

Because the split happens in childhood the seperate identities experience things seperately, their opinions form based on what they each experienced so they can all have very different personalities but still they are all you and you are an alter.

This is triggering to me. The therapist is giving information that just reinforces the pathology. I agree with this and added my own emphasis on the bolded part:

Amythyst wrote:There's no such thing as a core personality. You're just another alter, same as the rest of them. Your job is to be the one out front who deals with regular life stuff. Part of that job is not knowing what's going on inside.

And, your T is giving you bad information.

Those two things together are why you are confused.

V1

When you treat your parts with respect and listen to them instead of judging them, then they will be more likely to respect and listen to you.

I agree with myce and Amythyst. There is no core personality because it never formed. DID/OSDD occur before a single identity is solidified—the trauma prevents the normal progression toward formation of a single identity. When you talk about having done things “you” didn’t want to do—that’s alters doing those things.

People with single personalities talk about making bad choices—choosing to do something at one time that they wouldn’t have chosen to do at another time. Or grappling with a choice in the moment, and then making a decision.

That is completely different than actively NOT wanting to do something but ALSO feeling a feeling of wanting to do it and watching your body do it despite your objection. That is dissociation.

The idea that you can't go against your core, if that is even a thing, obviously can't apply to a DID system. Each alter can have a core them, but your body doesn't have a core, it has a system.

I agree, all people have conflicting thoughts and desires in their heads. You and I seem very much in the same place with that. I am also always wondering now whether a conflicting desire is alters not agreeing or just standard brain function: it makes sense to want something sweet, but also know it might not be the best thing for you, so you have typical conflicting desires. I am finding that a challenge too. LKinney tried in the summer just never saying no to anything, to give in to any desires just to make it easier, but that doesn't work because individuals still have conflicting desires: "I want pizza."/"I want to eat better to control my blood pressure." (my conflict last night - pizza won. )

I am trying to stop and listen when I have a conflict now. Do I actually HEAR another alter talking to me? So the other night I did as Punky clearly stated what she wanted. It was not what I wanted, but since it was the first time I am aware of her showing up, and she seems very young, I decided to meet her needs over mine and the body (she didn't make a healthy eating choice either) for this time. At some point though, we're going to have to learn to do better for our body because of our blood pressure problem, but that was not a fight I want to have at this stage of our alters all starting to assert themselves.

Alters act based on THEIR needs. Most of us are horribly scarred and ashamed of things Black Tiger has done. Black Tiger has hurt those we cared for most in the world. Black Tiger has no shame or guilt for her actions, she is a tiger, an animal alter, and acted to protect the system. Jessica, however, has to live with the guilt of Black Tiger's actions. Believe me, they are very much in direct opposition to each other. BT's actions didn't actually help the system, she was wrong, but she reacted with animal instinct.

Your T is not helping you by saying you are the "real" you. I know I am new to this too, but I understand, everyone in the system is equal, and this is very clear to me because LKinney thought she was the "real" one and the rest of us were not. She tried to control and suppress us all our lives. That is wrong. And eventually the accounts came due; we were not going to let her forever, and we have forced our way forward. LKinney still doesn't want to deal with us, so she retreated back and shut the door making it very hard for me to speak to the others, but I know and accept we're all here and all equals.

Your T needs to do research before your T speaks to you about any of this again. I would suggest you ask your T what DID research she's done. What has she read, who as she consulted, what EXPERT advice on DID has she sought out. If she is not doing anything to educate herself SPECIFICALLY on DID, then she is going to do harm, not good.

I wonder if she's approaching this from a PTSD point of view, where you can have emotional parts, but it's not the same as DID as DID develops in childhood. PTSD is not creating alters, but it's sort of walling off a trauma. How you treat that is not how you treat DID. DID is you never had a "core" personality to begin with because your baby ego states never developed into one personality to begin with. This is my understanding from what I have read so far.

So who is responsible for my actions? If people with DID don't have a core personality (I believe you)why does the law still incriminate them for things saying they know what they are doing?

I think we /us as a whole are responsible for our actions just as single people are. Did doesnt dismiss us from acountabillity. Its just far more complicated sometimes.

******Trigger Warning*****(talk of commiting sexual abuse)***


When I was a child my sister was small maybe 3 and I was 11. I was having all this horrible anxiety around sexual talk, etc. I was having bad impulses to do something sexual to her. I decided to hump her. We had our clothes on. I had this horrible sense of doom upon me. I was battling the urge. Really wanting to commit the action( why I don't know) and this sense that this is not the right thing to do. I'd hurt her emotionally. I'd get in trouble. I'd be a bad person etc. I was fighting all these conflicting emotions and I choose to do the wrong thing. That is how all of my impulses are to this day. Whether or not to touch the dog innapropriately, whether or not to slam the door on the kittens foot because I wanted to and didn't want to. It is just very hard for me to know the difference between what I want and don't want versus what I want and my alterswant. Please dont judge me. I was a child.

Rive wrote:So who is responsible for my actions? If people with DID don't have a core personality (I believe you)why does the law still incriminate them for things saying they know what they are doing?

Your "demons" are a part of you. The whole you, the system, is responsible for what they do. If they behave like feral animals for example, it is because they were traumatized and were unable to develop beyond primitive defensive instincts. That trauma was quarantined so you could carry on with life. But they need attention and healing so they can develop more functional behaviors. You will not make any progress by reinforcing their isolation.